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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Sayhellotothethings · 27/09/2019 08:28

Did he know you wanted a nice break just the two of you?

I would feel exactly the same way as you do.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 27/09/2019 08:29

Aghhh I think totally fair enough to be disappointed. Can you somehow do both?

GeneHuntLover · 27/09/2019 08:30

I'd be bloody furious

justheretostalk · 27/09/2019 08:31

I’d not like that at all. Who does that?

FactorFifty · 27/09/2019 08:31

I'd feel the same, OP!

It's very sweet he's organised something though, he clearly wanted to surprise you and make the effort.

Can you organise a childfree weekend away at another time, to look forward to?

KeeperofthePeace · 27/09/2019 08:32

I would be mad. If I wanted that, I would have organised it. How frustrating!

prawnonthebarbie · 27/09/2019 08:32

I think you made it pretty clear by the way you organised it what you wanted. I'd be annoyed!

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 08:33

Of course you’re not being ‘out of order’. You’re suddenly stuck with a family holiday rather than a childfree short break with your DP. Tell him he’s got this incredibly wrong, and to make the original arrangement you agreed to.

coconuttelegraph · 27/09/2019 08:33

It seems like he doesn't know you very well at all, I wouldn't be happy about that either.

Slappadabass · 27/09/2019 08:34

I would be really disappointed too, but he obviously thought he was doing the right thing, it is sweet in a way. Theres not much you can do about it now other than make the most of it, I suppose you and your OH could have a night out away from everyone whilst there, not the same but atleast it's one child free night.
Then when you get home, book a child free weekend away and make it clear it's staying child and family free!

user1493413286 · 27/09/2019 08:34

I did the same thing for my 30th and i would have been gutted if my DH had done that. It’s a lovely idea but just a bit misplaced. Could you organise something just you and your DP for another time?

waterrat · 27/09/2019 08:35

oh no.
That is a real shame.

However - you need to focus on what you want - not what you don't want. And make it happen.

Enjoy the weekend with family - and rearrange the childcare for your kids for another weekend. Get it done before you go away so you know you have that planned.

wardrobe12 · 27/09/2019 08:35

Why did he think you'd prefer his plan?

MarthasGinYard · 27/09/2019 08:36

I think as your parent I'd have tipped you the wink.

Presuming they know they are now joining you and not baby sitting....

I'd feel awkward if I were them

2Rebecca · 27/09/2019 08:36

I would tell him I was disappointed he changed the arrangements. You both discussed what you wanted and he chose to do something different. I wouldnt do that to someone. It was your birthday, he should have asked if you wanted a bigger gathering. Romantic weekend and large family gathering are completely different holidays

EmmaC78 · 27/09/2019 08:36

YANBU to be annoyed. I would be disappointed too. I hope you manage to enjoy your weekend anyway.

Tartsamazeballs · 27/09/2019 08:36

If it was an honest attempt to make you happy I'd try to enjoy the sentiment and the effort rather than the reality. I'd be telling him in advance that he's doing all the kiddy care on hol and all the thinking for packing etc for the kids 😂 and their laundry on return!

Youseethethingis · 27/09/2019 08:37

**If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted.

There it is right there. You were really looking forward to one thing, had the practicalities all sorted out, and now it’s been taken away. Can’t understand what they’re all thinking about - if you’d wanted to take your kids you would have chosen different accommodation in the first place and not joyfully arranged babysitters. Maybe they all believe “my presence is your present”.
FlowersWine

Kittenbittenmitten · 27/09/2019 08:37

Oh god OP. YANBU. What a terrible situation. It's always so difficult if you are not happy with something that has supposedly been arranged to please you. I think his intentions were good but misguided, I suppose the booking can't be rearranged now?

I feel so sorry for you. How about next month or in the near future you try to book a short break for yourself?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/09/2019 08:38

His plan sounds excellent. Enjoy that and then have a quiet weekend in a month or so.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 27/09/2019 08:38

He just doesn't get you does he?

I'd be bloody furious. and pretending to be 'grateful'? Fuck that.

What is the cancellation fee?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 27/09/2019 08:38

Can you stay behind while they all go?

Have some quiet time at home. Or maybe book yourswlf a break somewhere else?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2019 08:39

Be like the Queen and have two birthdays. Have the big family shindig and enjoy it for what it is.

Then have a couples weekend. If money is tight and you can’t afford another weekend away send the DC to the GP and have weekend at home going on dates with each other e.g cinema, walks in the park etc.

sparklefarts · 27/09/2019 08:40

What the hell?!? No! I'd have to say something.

I appreciate he has gone to some effort but surely he would've known you were looking forward to some childfree time?!?!?

Sicario · 27/09/2019 08:41

That's an absolute cracker. Silly arse probably thought you'd be delighted!

If it's any consolation, my husband is shit at birthdays.