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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 27/09/2019 09:10

Can you tell him that since he organised the weekend, he is also responsible for :
Organising the shopping
Packing the car
Car snacks
Unpacking the car
Making beds/unpacking the car/putting shopping away
Making meals
Cleaning up after meals
Making teas and coffees
Getting up in the morning with the kids and cleaning up glasses/empty crisp packets etc
Making breakfast
Keeping kids occupied
Deciding and organising the days entertainment (including brings snacks or picnic)
Dinner again
Cleaning up after dinner again
Repeat on Sunday plus packing car
Unpacking /washing when you get home.

Cause as much as I love my kids and family, that is the reality of a self catered weekend break.

ChicCroissant · 27/09/2019 09:11

He has got this completely wrong IMO, OP. Taking you away for a surprise weekend is lovely but if you don't know it is your birthday present at the time you are going to view it differently - and telling you after the event could even make it worse (you thought it was a lovely gesture, he was thinking it was your birthday present).

Does he have form for doing what he wants, but claiming it is what someone else wants?

saraclara · 27/09/2019 09:11

Ugh. He meant well, but he totally blew it.

@spookydot has a point though. I'm sure this will be a fun and long weekend. BUT for goodness' sake sit back and let everyone else organise things.

I suggest you all your partner who's going to organise all the food etc. And make it clear it's not going to be you.

saraclara · 27/09/2019 09:12

All= ask

LannieDuck · 27/09/2019 09:13

Ask him who's going to be doing all the cooking and childcare on this 'holiday'.

FreedomBird · 27/09/2019 09:14

At least you have time to mentally prepare! Can you imagine finding out on the morning!

Perhaps book a couple of night for just you two in a few weeks time? It’s a lovely gesture but yeah... I’d also feel the same.

Atalune · 27/09/2019 09:15

He’s manipulative?!?

You’ve had a weekend away, with just him. Shame he didn’t tell you that first!

I think it will be nice to be away with the family. But totally appreciate that it’s not what you wanted x

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:15

Woman up, OP. Why are you worried about poor diddums’ feelings on seeing your disappointed reaction, when he should surely be pondering how on earth he managed to do the opposite of your clearly-expressed wishes?

I don’t buy the ‘good intentions’ thing for a moment. You don’t like fuss and expressed very clearly your desire for a childfree weekend alone with him in a small cottage with a hot tub. He’s arranged a family holiday with not just your children but also his, plus your parents and sister and BIL, because he knows better.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 27/09/2019 09:16

I'd be tempted to leave them to it and check into the local 5* Hotel on his credit card and watch Netflix all weekend. What an idiot, if you had wanted a group celebration then you would have booked one. Instead you wanted a few nights away and arranged childcare for it and he went and ignored your wishes.

BloggersBlog · 27/09/2019 09:16

Can you print out @TimetohittheroadJack's list so he knows you are not going to do a thing?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 09:17

I'm definitely going to go ahead with the weekend he has planned and make the most of it.

Many of you have said I'll still need to be mum. This is exactly why I wanted a childfree weekend. I have two young kids and he also has two young kids. We don't have any together. I don't think I can expect him to do the childcare for mine when he will have his own hands full. And spot on re thoughts about cleaning, meals, packing and keeping the kids entertained. It's a completely different weekend isn't it?

I have said to him that I really appreciate the trouble he's gone to but that I am disappointed that the original weekend has been cancelled.

We didn't really speak much about it last night when he revealed the surprise. I was more in shock. I expect we'll talk a bit more about it tonight. I will be honest with him but also that I am looking forward to spending a family weekend away. (Just wish it wasn't at the expense of our original plan!)

OP posts:
FatArse123 · 27/09/2019 09:17

My DH does unwanted big birthday surprises. I don't appreciate them either, I tend towards introversion and like low key events, he on the other hand likes big parties. Guess what I get? It makes me angry, and sad.

MedalMedalMedal · 27/09/2019 09:17

Yes do show him TimetohittheroadJacks list and ask him if that sounds like the sort of relaxing birthday he’d enjoy.

Even if in the unlikely event that anyone else was actually doing all that, I’d still rather not.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 09:18

Oh OP, that sucks, I'm sorry. The fact you clearly specified an adult-only break was the biggest clue going you didn't want a family holiday.

If you do go, then I would strongly suggest you care only for yourself in the run up. Pack your own case with everything you'll need (plus a great audiobook and good headphones!). Leave EVERYTHING ELSE to him.

If the kids don't have any clean pants, his problem. If there are no towels for the family, his problem. If they don't have breakfast before you head off and you do, his problem. Hasn't filled the car up, his problem....

Happy Birthday for you in advance Flowers

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 09:20

I expect we'll talk a bit more about it tonight.

Ask him directly to change it back to the adults-only plan.
You know you have childcare sorted for that weekend so that's not a problem. Even if that means you two just taking the whole big place to yourselves.

He can do it, you're just being nice to keep the peace (sorry that sounds brutal, but you are)

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:20

And yes to @TimetohittheroadJack’s list forming a key component of your talk. Plus, given that he’s landed you with not only your kids but his, when you’d carefully arranged childcare so that you could be childfree for a couple of days, I’d be saying ‘You know what, you invited them. You look after them all.’

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:20

Agreed @BuzzShitbagBobbly.

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 27/09/2019 09:21

He meant well. He didn't get it right. Enjoy this weekend and then book another weekend away just the two of you.

dollydaydream114 · 27/09/2019 09:22

I agree that YANBU to be disappointed and I'd be gutted. I like to see my family but if I'd been looking forward to a rare chance of a romantic weekend away in a special place that I'd chosen, I would be really disappointed to have to swap that for a family gathering with parents, siblings and two sets of kids, especially all staying in the same cottage. I love my family but all of them staying with me would be stressful and chaotic and when I turned 40 I just wanted to escape from everything with my partner and avoid all fuss.

I notice his kids are coming ... is there a chance that this was his weekend to have them and his ex didn't want to swap it? I'm probably being really uncharitable but that was the thing that jumped out at me.

stupidboyman · 27/09/2019 09:22

@Myriade I think that may have happened as my husband wouldn't just cancel a weekend away for the 2 of us to spend with my family without certainty of just a weekend away for us!!

ThirstyGhost · 27/09/2019 09:23

Purely speaking for myself, I'd be ok about this (maybe initially disappointed but I'd come round). I don't see this as being any different to when someone organises a surprise birthday party you had not a clue about. I wouldn't want that, but I wouldn't be angry or gutted about it. A lot of folk are just trying their best to do something nice and getting it a wrong. In his head he probably thought that the surprise weekend away you've just had balances out the family party.

The, "open you eyes"...."he's an arch manipulator" comments are so over-dramatic. Someone will be along saying he's abusive in a minute. And the, "book yourself a spa weekend and leave him to the family party" comments - would anyone really do this in real life? Upsetting everyone in your family because he's misjudged the arrangements trying to do something nice.

nearlynermal · 27/09/2019 09:24

He's even bringing his kids? What's that about? My sympathies, OP: it sounds pretty disappointing. Thanks

MrsDimmond · 27/09/2019 09:25

Why do posters keep telling OP that her dp has done a nice thing or that his heart's in the right place when she quite clearly states that in her OP
I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it

What she's asking about is her feelings about him having done this!

Of course yanbu to feel gutted OP. You are not being a diva and threatening not to go, you simply want him to understand that what he did was hurtful. He needs to understand that changing plans that you had expressly requested is completely different to planning a surprise that missed the mark.

It is perfectly possible as well as perfectly reasonable to explain this to him. His feelings don't trump yours (especially when it's your birthday). It gives him the opportunity to rectify in some way, e.g. as others have said by taking responsibility for all the practicalities

notacooldad · 27/09/2019 09:26

I don't think it is a 'sweet' thing to do at all -his idea top trumps your plans! I'd be mad as well

Slatkater · 27/09/2019 09:26

My heart sank for you. YANBU

Show him this thread.