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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
sparklefarts · 27/09/2019 08:42

I'd be telling him he needs to be organising one hell of a child free break for you two sharpish. And that he'll be the one mainly dealing with anything that needs sorting or doing on this new enforced holiday

Windygate · 27/09/2019 08:43

Why didn't you parents let you know what he was planning? After all they knew you were looking forward to a romantic child free break.

SarahAndQuack · 27/09/2019 08:43

I'd be really gutted too.

IMO it's not on to do a surprise that involves trading in someone else's plans. If you'd not planned anything and he'd decided to organise this big group thing, that's fair enough. But when you've got to trouble finding a cottage you liked and organising childcare, it's rude to go back on your plans.

TipToeToothFairy · 27/09/2019 08:43

Yanbu to be upset.
I'm going away for my 40th and have chosen to do it with the kids but I'm also going away with some friends for a weekend cottage with a hot tub break and I'd be gutted if everyone hijacked that!

That said why not go and enjoy yourself and speak to your folks about having the kids another weekend as their birthday present to you so you can do this next month or in December and so Christmas markets or something nice

flouncyfanny · 27/09/2019 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverChime · 27/09/2019 08:45

I’d be furious. He needs to take full responsibility for DC and everyone else that weekend while you put your feet up, and organise (and pay for) a couples weekend ASAP. What was he thinking?! Especially the part where he’s treating everyone to a free holiday on what is presumably your family money!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/09/2019 08:45

I’d book a spa break for myself that weekend and go alone. He gets an awkward weekend with your folks, you get to be childfree.

Cantstopgrazing · 27/09/2019 08:45

YADNBU, I'd hate that if I had been expecting a child free break.

stupidboyman · 27/09/2019 08:46

I get your immediate disappointment but honestly in years to come I think you will look back at this and have great memories. I lost my mum last week and it brings into focus how important family are. I suspect your parents / wider family have bought you a. Nice night away for the 2 of you as your present by the way.

Myriade · 27/09/2019 08:47

So let me make that clear
You organise a weekend away that YOU like and that included some time on your own with y Ur DP and wo children. You organised for your parents to come and the only thing your DP had to do was to book the cottage YOU found.
But somehow he thought that was ok to decide for another option FOR YOU, wo consulting you. And expects you to be grateful for it?

Nope. Sorry but I wouod have word rather than trying to conceal your feelings.
For one, if you do, there is no way he will understand why you aren’t that happy.
And two, he needs to learn to respect your choices. This might have been what HE would have loved for his b’day. But it’s not yours and that why you choose that cottage.
I hate the low level disrespect that men are showing towards women, even more so when it’s wrapped around the idea that ‘they tried and put some effort into it so can’t be blamed’.

user1573354 · 27/09/2019 08:47

Oh god, I'd be gutted too. I'm surprised your mum went along with it. I think I might call her up and say you can't wait etc, but you still would desperately like a child free weekend and could they babysit another date? Get another weekend in the calendar. Just postpone it. Given your partner has kids himself I'm surprised he hasn't understood a child free weekend would be more desirable than one with all the kids.

DonKeyshot · 27/09/2019 08:48

I understand your frustration but try to embrace the fact that he's gone over and above what you wanted to give you a memorable milestone birthday. Re-arrange the child free weekend and book the cottage of your dreams for his birthday, or your 41st which will roll round sooner than you think.

It must have taken a lot of clandestine activity on his part and it has to be said that he's done well to keep the plan a secret.

Myriade · 27/09/2019 08:48

@stupidboyman, what is telling you that her family will have bought a nice weekend away for her?
Because not all family would (mine wouldn’t) and they will probably have thought this was her b’day present (who has paid for the bigger house for example? I bet they all chipped in)

Deedee248 · 27/09/2019 08:48

I would definitely go along with what he has organised, but explain that you were looking forward to the child-free weekend in cottage with hot tub, and ask him to re-book that in a few weeks.

ModreB · 27/09/2019 08:49

I think I would be saying to enjoy his weekend, and you will see him at home afterwards.

Myriade · 27/09/2019 08:51

try to embrace the fact that he's gone over and above what you wanted

He hasn’t gone over and above what she wanted. He has done something different that she didn’t want.
Who told him that she WANTED a whole family thing? Not her so why do it? Unless you have decide to NOT RESPECT your partner’s choice for her b’day and have decided that your idea is better than hers . Why and what gives him the right to think so?

HairyFloppins · 27/09/2019 08:51

Sounds horrendous. I don't think I would go.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 08:52

Is this his way of ensuring that the celebration is fun for everyone apart from you? Who's going to be doing all the cooking and cleaning and child-minding?
This strikes me as the sort of thing a man would do if he doesn't fancy the idea of having to pay his partner any attention on a minibreak - you can be busy entertaining the family while he slopes off to the pub or has a wank or something. If it's just the two of you, he might actually have to talk to you.

Myriade · 27/09/2019 08:52

@Deedee248, they would need to have the money for it.
And I bet it won’t feel as nice knowing it had to forced into him....

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/09/2019 08:52

I did this for my DH Blush he thought it was just the two of us going out for a meal but I'd arranged family and friends to be there too. We had a great night but he did admit afterwards he was looking forward to it being just us two. We had a laugh about it though and still talk about it years later whenever we're going out alone!

I do get your disappointment but being "furious" at someone trying to do something nice as a surprise is a bit unfair

MeanMrMustardSeed · 27/09/2019 08:52

I’d be gutted too. But make the most of next weekend, echoing the pp re enjoying family when you have them. Then I’d rearrange a weekend in mid / late January when the prices are cheap and there’s not much going on and a weekend away would be a wonderful thing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/09/2019 08:52

I'd be gutted too, and very surprised my Mum hadn't spoken up.

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2019 08:52

Have you told him you are upset?

YANBU - I would be SO disappointed that my lovely plans had been totally changed. In fact a phrase that is very often heard in my household is “DON’T INTERFERE WITH MY ARRANGEMENTS!”

The problem is that even with everyone around, you are still mum and you will still be doing the childcare. Gah! I am angry on your behalf!

ChicCroissant · 27/09/2019 08:53

Oh no! Is it too late to cancel it? I know it would be awkward because it does flag up to the rest of the family that you don't want them there but I think I'd be asking to cancel it and I'm not sure I'd even want the first, preferred option with my DH until I'd calmed down

Is it because it is his weekend to have his children?

Myriade · 27/09/2019 08:53

SGB good point about WHO is going to look after the dcs, do the cooking etc.....

What a b’day treat isn’t it?