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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/10/2019 00:35

He did it on purpose. Please don't let this cause distance from your family as I suspect he wants that - as well as to punish you for the audacity of expecting something to be about you for a change.

Keep the family, get rid of him.
He's a right cunning bastard.

Nondescriptname · 13/10/2019 02:44
Sad Why were you cooking dinner? Did your relatives really not think they should do it, as part of your birthday treat? Have you found out if this actually was your sister's idea? And why your mum went along with it, knowing what you really wanted? Have a long lie, if you possibly can, on Sunday morning and I hope things go better with whatever you have planned to do. Flowers
HouseworkAvoider10 · 13/10/2019 02:45

To be honest, he should arrange another break for just the two of you asap.
that's if you haven't dumped him by then of course, because I would be demanding a break in the relationship

I would make sure that all wifework is equally divided at home from now on, in light of all this.
sounds like you do more than your fair share.

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/10/2019 04:03

You're expected to cook your own birthday dinner and serve it to an audience that's sat there having leisure time while you've cooked it?

What a sad way of living.

Witchinaditch · 13/10/2019 06:35

Why is everyone so against the partner in this? It doesn’t sound to me like he’s a “cunning bastard” he made a mistake but he sounds sorry and it sounds like it came from a good place. It just seems this thread wanted this weekend to fail for the OP which is bizarre!

Strangerthingshere · 13/10/2019 07:06

I agree you need to let it go. Im sorry you aren't enjoying yourself but your partner is clearly sorry. You're getting 2 weekends away with your partner, yes the third is with your family and it's a bit shit and I'd have been annoyed at the start too, but I'd definitely have embraced it by now. You are getting the weekend away to the cottage for the 2 of you, its just a different date. Loads of people on here seem to think they know your partner better than you and have just been adding fuel to the fire.

Marnie76 · 13/10/2019 07:11

Picsinred wtf are you on about!

CraftyYankee · 13/10/2019 08:45

While DP may be genuinely sorry, WTH is with you cooking dinner? How did that happen?

MarthasGinYard · 13/10/2019 08:46

'I agree you need to let it go. Im sorry you aren't enjoying yourself but your partner is clearly sorry. You're getting 2 weekends away with your partner, yes the third is with your family and it's a bit shit and I'd have been annoyed at the start too, but I'd definitely have embraced it by now. You are getting the weekend away to the cottage for the 2 of you, its just a different date. Loads of people on here seem to think they know your partner better than you and have just been adding fuel to the fire.'

Agree TBH

You have another weekend to look fwd to, you've previously had childfree weekends away with him. Yes he made a bum steer but Jesus Christ 'selfish bastard' he ain't.

Plus I'm sorry, but you are beginning to sound like a real bloody Martyr and bloody hard work.

You'll be away again soon and some other poor family member will no doubt be dealing with your 'toddlers tantrums' again so get over it.

MarthasGinYard · 13/10/2019 08:47

'I agree you need to let it go. Im sorry you aren't enjoying yourself but your partner is clearly sorry. You're getting 2 weekends away with your partner, yes the third is with your family and it's a bit shit and I'd have been annoyed at the start too, but I'd definitely have embraced it by now. You are getting the weekend away to the cottage for the 2 of you, its just a different date. Loads of people on here seem to think they know your partner better than you and have just been adding fuel to the fire.'

Agree TBH

You have another weekend to look fwd to, you've previously had childfree weekends away with him. Yes he made a bum steer but Jesus Christ 'selfish bastard' he ain't.

Plus I'm sorry, but you are beginning to sound like a real bloody Martyr and bloody hard work.

You'll be away again soon and some other poor family member will no doubt be dealing with your 'toddlers tantrums' again so get over it.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 11:01

You'll be away again soon and some other poor family member will no doubt be dealing with your 'toddlers tantrums' again so get over it.

....so? That’s still not this weekend.
He could have all the best intentions in the world, but it’s still a disaster. Why isn’t OP allowed to have feelings?

Why should we be grateful for any scrap of thought from our families

MarthasGinYard · 13/10/2019 11:13

It's been a self fulfilling Prophecy with baiters aboard from day 1 IMO.

Yes it has ended up like 'A Martyr's Tale'

If cooking the dinner and looking after your kids was a problem

'Hey all it's my birthday someone else fancy rustling this supper up'

Would have probably got a result

And NO she shouldn't have had to but come on it was on the cards

Instead sounds like Op martyred on with the whole event and to me it's just a bit daft.

HellonHeels · 13/10/2019 11:23

No need to slam the OP like that - cheap shots that she doesn't deserve.

SummerWhisper · 13/10/2019 11:41

Another child-free weekend involves the famy getting flights to the OP's house. They have already taken flights to be at this weekend awsy. It might not be feasible to have a child-free weekend in the near future.

OP, I would insist on a child-free WEEK somewhere lush. At his full expense, if you're still with the weak-willed divvy, that is.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 12:11

While I think this is a shit birthday weekend, this is why I was asking about why OP wasn’t asking about plans.

Yes it would have been taking on the mental load a bit, but surely it would have been easier than this?

CallmeAngelina · 13/10/2019 12:18

Hope the weather is better there than here in the South East!

RunningOutOfCharacte · 13/10/2019 12:21

Actually I totally agree this was a very predictable turn of events.

When the op posted she was miffed that the very thing she had wanted for her birthday was going to happen. She ignored all the posters saying he's a bellend and/or controlling. (Seriously who the fuck says hey I know what my partner wants. But I'm going to overrule her).

And she pointedly replied thanks to the 'sensible posters'. Ie the ones who just said he meant well but screwed up.

When she posted saying he had plans etc it was all fine she probably thought she'd been proved right

But then the negative updates came in. The early morning rugby, the tantrums, the cooking.

And again she's had plenty of advice. But I get the feeling she just wants to rant and have a bit of a moan. As she did in her opening post. She just wants confirmation it's not great. Whereas personally I think it's a lot worse than 'not great'.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/10/2019 13:09

Interesting that there are a couple of people being very judgemental about the OP who have posted their own tales of woe very recently and received nothing but sympathetic support. Shame they seem to have forgotten so quickly. Hmm

fedup21 · 13/10/2019 13:14

You have started calling him DH. Are you married?

Who is having the toddler tantrums-your kids?

HeyNotInMyName · 13/10/2019 13:18

Tbh to be so clueless about how much work a weekend like this would be means he never had to be at least involved in making it happen, let alone actually running it single handily.

Which doesn’t make him a nice man tbh. Just an entitled one that has just realised that women do a heck of a lot of work so HE could have a nice weekend relaxing and doing noting.

Me think it’s times fo him to actually step up and start taking in his half of the housework, parenting and organisation.

And time for him to also learn to respect the wishes of his partner when she states VERY CLEARLY what she wants.

It’s all well and good to say ‘he tried but fucked up. Let’s het him off the hook’ but i think it’s also essential to understand WHY he fucked up and didn’t see the issue. And tackle that because otherwise it will just happen again and again. And he’ll carry in looking like the nice guy, that isn’t.

Nondescriptname · 13/10/2019 13:29

You'll be away again soon and some other poor family member will no doubt be dealing with your 'toddlers tantrums' again so get over it.

How do you know that, MarthasGinYard?
The last we heard, nothing had been arranged.

Relatives should have been looking after the toddlers this weekend - but instead the OP's wishes were overruled.
She was trying to make the best of it but it's turned out a bit rubbish.
Why shouldn't she be disappointed?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 13/10/2019 14:51

My last post was a bit drunk and moany! We did get our time in the hot tub in the end and it was very relaxing. Everyone did help out. My family were looking after the kids when we were making the dinner. It was a particularly long day as my toddler would not stop tantrumming and yes I was feeling very sorry for myself.

There is no childfree weekend arranged as yet as the logistics are difficult to arrange. It involves my parents taking flights to be here to look after the kids. So that will have to wait til a later date.

We had a nice trip out this morning, no tantrums thankfully so a lot more relaxed.

No I don't believe he's a cunning bastard etc.

This weekend or the childfree one I'd hoped for? I'd definitely go for the childfree one 😁

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 16:29

I hope the drive home was pleasant.

I hope your partner helps with the unpacking/laundry end of things too

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 13/10/2019 16:36

@LovePoppy yep a nice trip back and some nice memories from the weekend despite some of the trying moments!

OP posts:
Travis1 · 13/10/2019 16:55

@PicsInRed r u ok hun?! Hmm

OP honestly this is something my dh would do. For Christmas he got me gig tickets for a band I do love, however in a city 4 hours drive away, on a tuesday night, 3 days before we flew to turkey for 2 weeks, and only I drive! Wad honestly the most exhausting week but he really thought he’d pulled it off and I’d be giddy 🤦🏻‍♀️

Glad you’ve made the most of the weekend, just make sure you do get that elusive child free one now