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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
drumandthebass · 27/09/2019 08:55

I too would be bitterly disappointed, but I think his heart's in the right place. Also if you didn't go would your family be hurt? As another poster said, can you have another weekend away just the two of you that you organise another time? Happy birthday 🎂

cheesewitheverything · 27/09/2019 08:55

For what it's worth, I think it's absolutely fine to be disappointed, but you really need to say thank you and try to go along with it all. He's arranged a surprise, albeit one you don't want, but going to some trouble is good. Just make sure you also get the weekend you want in a few weeks time, or arrange what you want to do as the surprise for his birthday. Happy Birthday!

ChicCroissant · 27/09/2019 08:56

sparepants she has every right to be furious if he's arranged a 'party' that he'd like when he knew what she wanted. The fact that your husband was looking forward to it being just you and him does make me think that you might be the kind of person that likes a lot of people around.

BloggersBlog · 27/09/2019 08:56

Weekend away with a hot tub, no kids, wine, takeaways

verses

Meals to sort, kids to look after, rooms to sort out, "family fun" Hmm to organise.....

Hmmmmm, what a toughie!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 08:56

You know about it in advance, is that because you found out or did he tell you? Either way, I’d tell him you know and ask him when he intends to book the weekend break away you agreed. I’d be fuming and at the same time could enjoy myself if I knew I was also getting what was originally planned.

gamerchick · 27/09/2019 08:56

Fuck that, tell him the whole point was to be child free, be able to please myself and spend some time with my man.

Tell him to change it or they can all go and you'll stay home for some peace. This will not be a break for you, you'll still have to parent and see to their needs and him his.

Just no, thats not a birthday treat, it's the one time of year you can be selfish imo.

dottiedodah · 27/09/2019 08:58

Maybe he thought you would want a "surprise"! The trouble is with big occasions that its difficult to get it right ,if he didnt put in any effort you would feel cross .If as now, he has tried to surprise you and it has backfired , he is still in the wrong ! why not just enjoy the party and maybe ask your parents if they could have the children for a weekend near Christmas maybe? .

hittheroadjack1 · 27/09/2019 08:58

My husband did this for me for my 30th. I cooked dinner for 9 on my birthday aswell as all other meals.

I appreciate the thought he put into it but did want 2 nights just the two of us.

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2019 08:59

I do think you have to go along with it now as to cancel the whole thing will be rather rude, basically telling your nearest and dearest that they are Not Wanted! However, I would be telling your partner that, whilst you really appreciate the trouble he has gone to, you are bitterly disappointed that you are not getting your lovely weekend a deux which is what you really wanted and what you had organised. Ask him to have a real think about it - with everyone and all the kids there, who is going to be doing all the work........I’ll give you one guess..........

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 09:00

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
A restaurant meal is somewhat different from this situation. In both scenarios your dh didn’t have to do any work or childcare that he hadn’t envisioned.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 09:00

Thanks for all your responses. It's a relief the general consensus is that it's not out of order for me to feel like this.

The idea is really lovely - but it's been put in place of something I really wanted. He said there was no other weekend he could co-ordinate everyone so that's why he didn't book the cottage I wanted and did this in place.

Also a few weeks ago, he whisked me off on a surprise weekend away which was really lovely - he's told me now, that that was in place of us not going away to the cottage for my birthday.

He has the kindest heart and I know he's done this with the right intentions but I don't think he's thought it out very well.

I feel awful for him seeing my disappointed reaction.
Maybe if he'd booked that cottage for another weekend I would have been happy about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 27/09/2019 09:00

Oh no I would be gutted too he was obviously thinking how nice it would be blah blah but ... What was your parents thinking agreeing to this you wanted a dirty romantic weekend away and they all gatecrash and of course the kids will be all mummummy mum mum mum ! He owes you a weekend away imo

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/09/2019 09:00

His plan sounds excellent

In what way is it excellent? OP wanted a romantic weekend for just the two of them. He’s turned it into a family beano. Really nowhere near excellent. 🙄

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 09:01

Try to enjoy it but don't lift a finger, direct it all to him as you're having a special birthday.

Ozziewozzie · 27/09/2019 09:01

I share your pain! Poor you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/09/2019 09:01

I would be absolutely furious. You explicitly said what you wanted and he's done the opposite. I would have to tell him exactly how I felt.

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:01

Agree entirely with @ReanimatedSGB. This is the action of someone whose male privilege has never let him clock that for many women, self-catering family holidays are work. Or he does know and doesn’t care, because he thinks that a solo weekend away is too much faff for him.

Spookydot · 27/09/2019 09:01

You have a loving family who want to celebrate your milestone with you and are taking time out of their lives to be with you.

Whilst you were looking forward to a weekend with no kids-surely you can do that another time and embrace the fact that you are so loved people, who want to be with you!!

TheAlternativeTentacle · 27/09/2019 09:04

Also a few weeks ago, he whisked me off on a surprise weekend away which was really lovely - he's told me now, that that was in place of us not going away to the cottage for my birthday.

Oh yes he is so lovely...and manipulative.

You need to open those eyes.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2019 09:04

YANBU. What was his thinking? Have you asked him why he did this?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/09/2019 09:05

@ChicCroissant actually no I don't like having lots of people around me at all. Quite the opposite. My DH does like people though so I did it for him. Yes I got it wrong but you know he's my husband and wouldn't want me to feel bad for trying to do a nice thing. Assuming the OP will now need to do childcare and cooking is exactly that, and assumption. All she needs to do is tell him she won't be cooking, cleaning or getting up early with the kids and enjoy the time away.

(And then book a separate weekend away with just the OH!)

jamaisjedors · 27/09/2019 09:06

Are they his kids?

MedalMedalMedal · 27/09/2019 09:07

Plan A sounded heavenly. Plan B sounds like the daily grind has followed you away on your break. I’m so sorry OP 😩 I’d be gutted too.

Does he have dc of his own? I’m wondering if he truly understands that when you do, much as you love them, a break from it all rather than more of the same, is what you truly crave.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 27/09/2019 09:07

I'd be FUMING.

mydogisthebest · 27/09/2019 09:08

I would be upset and angry. It's not like you had not made it clear to him what you wanted to do for YOUR birthday is it?

All he had to do was book the cottage you had spent time finding and yet he didn't!

I think he has booked the weekend he wants which is selfish