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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
ArgumentativeAardvaark · 27/09/2019 09:27

Why did your parents go along with this? Doesn’t your Mum understand the work involved in a family weekend with kids? I’d be delegating all childcare to her.

Who looked after your kids when he whisked you off for that other weekend?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 09:29

Woman up, OP. Why are you worried about poor diddums’ feelings on seeing your disappointed reaction, when he should surely be pondering how on earth he managed to do the opposite of your clearly-expressed wishes?

^^^^ This.

He's pulled a fast one here. gets to look the big man to his and your kids and family, while completely overriding your wishes. I'd be more than disappointed - I'd be raging. It's a shit thing to do. You need to make it clear he cannot ride rough shod over your wants and needs ever again.

MrsDimmond · 27/09/2019 09:29

I don't see this as being any different to when someone organises a surprise birthday party you had not a clue about. I wouldn't want that, but I wouldn't be angry or gutted about it

Its not the same at all ThirstyGhost

A closer analogy would be if the OP had expressly said to her dp "please don't organise a surprise party* and he went ahead with it regardless.

Jeezoh · 27/09/2019 09:30

I’d feel exactly the same as you. Can you do this then re-arrange the weekend for just the two of you for another time? xx

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:30

Gosh, there are a lot of apologists for male privilege/stupidity/both on here. The OP said what she wanted, which was low-key and childfree and alone with her partner. Without telling her, her partner books the exact opposite, and lands the OP, not just with her children, but also his, and four other family members, and a ton of work. And she’s supposed to be grateful?

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2019 09:30

I really don't think it's unreasonable to be upset, when you made it clear what you would like and he's completely ignored you and done something different!

Why on earth should you be pleased/happy/grateful?

He's planned something he's going to enjoy.
Do the same to him on his birthday.

And for once, I agree. Show him the thread.

Mrsjayy · 27/09/2019 09:30

Her parents probably thought it was a lovely idea getting to spend their childs 40th with her sneaking about not wanti g to spoil the suprise !

Brefugee · 27/09/2019 09:31

Even having seen the update where you have already had a weekend away together i would be making it very clear that i was
a) not at all happy with having my plans changed
and
b) not lifting a finger for anyone including my own children at the thing that he has planned

I'd also be asking my parents why they didn't tell him to fuck the fuck off when he changed the arrangements.

Early on in our marriage, after one too many disappointing presents, i made it clear that i don't like stuff that i haven't chosen and that it's a waste of money. Therefore i will make a list of things that i want and there must be NO deviation. (some people are good at presents, my mum for example, so i don't have to do this with her, but for others i do it every time.)

At first DH was extremely resistant to my lists ("so much stuff!") until i pointed out that i also like some element of surprise so from a list of 20 or 30 (what can i say, i want everything) if he chose one or two i would still have what i want and it would be a bit of a surprise.

And for the last 30 or so years it has worked out perfectly.

Flowers happy birthday, OP!

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2019 09:32

Oh, and he can do ALL the childcare/organising/packing/shopping and cooking too!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 09:32

Why do you have to pretend to be pleased about something you didn't want? I understand politeness but this isn't a gift, it's your celebration, which you'd discussed, expressed preferences and agreed upon.

Are your parents still committed to looking after your dc for the duration? Are the rooms arranged accordingly - dcs in a cottage with DPs / next room to them, you and DP in your own little cottage / private room at the end of a long corridor?

Has he arranged all meals, set up a rota for cooking that doesn't include you, done an online shopping order etc?

Self-catering in groups is just same old grind, different place. Plus a huge amount of prep and packing. Especially with under-5s (not sure how old yours are). Fine if 'change of scene as a family' is what you're after. Not relaxing or couply though.

Does he realise how much work he's taken on, as organiser of this event?

You need to adopt an attitude of 'spoilt birthday princess' (think like a hen on a hen party), relax with fizz, films and hot tub (or whatever you enjoy) and determinedly sit back, relax and let everyone else do ALL the work. It's going to take a bit of chutzpah to pull that off. Get into character and stand (recline) firm OP!

FizzyGreenWater · 27/09/2019 09:32

Surprise surprise, a working weekend for you doing all the child-related gruntwork you do every day.

Show him this thread.

I would be absolutely livid, and I'd have no bones about saying that straight - if he's arrogant enough to think he knows what I'd enjoy better than me, then he's certainly thick-skinned enough to hear the truth about what I think of it.

How dare he.

formerbabe · 27/09/2019 09:35

That is so shit. I'd be gutted

DisappearingGirl · 27/09/2019 09:36

Based on what you've said, I think it's a bit far fetched for people to suggest he's being intentionally manipulative.

I think he just got it wrong - and hasn't thought through the work (usually woman/mum work) involved in a weekend like this with small kids etc.

I think you've got it spot on telling him that you appreciate his intention but you're still a bit disappointed about the original weekend.

I'd also have a discussion with him about the work involved and see if you can come up with some ways to make it more relaxing for you for both of you. Eg takeaways, meals out or easy snack meals to cut down on cooking, maybe family would have the kids for an evening or (more importantly to me) get up with them on a couple of mornings so you can have a lie in.

Hope you enjoy it in the end, but no YANBU to be disappointed.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 27/09/2019 09:36

OP if you don’t nip this in the bud, this will be your life - him top trumping all the big decisions. My H is like this and 20 years of resentment built up in me and I turned to alcohol. It started off like nice things to do but it was him thinking he always knew best and only wanting to do what he wanted to do. I should have tackled it sooner. Don’t be me.

recklessgran · 27/09/2019 09:39

No definitely not unreasonable. Can't you book an air bnb close by for just the 2 of you so that you can have the best of both worlds?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 09:40

@FizzyGreenWater I am fuuuuming on OP' behalf! she's now saddled with 4 kids instead of a lovely childfree weekend.

He's done this with an agenda, this 'holiday' is clearly not for OP's benefit.

Funghi · 27/09/2019 09:41

Can you book another weekend away for just the two of you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/09/2019 09:42

YANBU at all.
As has been said by so many, there is no comparison between what you now have and what you actually wanted - you wanted a responsibility-free, lazy, decadent, quiet weekend - and instead you've got a family-filled, child-filled (EXTRA children) busy weekend where the chances are you'll end up doing at least half the donkey work.

Just so upsetting.

I might be off the mark here but was it his weekend to have the kids? Did their mother kick off about the idea of him going away with just you, and put a spanner in the works? If he knew he had to have his kids, then that might explain why all the rest were invited along, to hide that he had no choice in having his own kids. Just a thought.

Is your mum the sort to help out properly, or will she insist you "do your fair share"? But whatever, you'll still be in "mum mode" simply because your kids are there, you can't avoid it. :(

Hey ho - hopefully he'll learn his lesson and never do it again.

eddielizzard · 27/09/2019 09:42

OMG he got that one very wrong! I would be absolutely gutted. Speaking as someone who hasn't had a night off in 13.5 years. I'd be fucking devastated.

Adversecamber22 · 27/09/2019 09:43

I would not be sparing his feelings and don’t worry about being nice all the time. So many women don’t complain to keep the peace and appear nice and then underneath are a seething ball of resentment. It’s bad for you and your relationship.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 09:43

Can you book another weekend away for just the two of you? She shouldn't have to. HE fucked up, HE should sort it.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 09:43

I have had relateable, although not identical situations in life where it's a choice between going along with it to be nice; or standing up for myself and facing the consequences.

I have done both options and I can safely say the disappointment and involuntary resentment at my choice being pushed aside was far, far worse than the temporary "social" awkwardness of saying "no". Because ever since then, my "no" has been taken seriously and the situation has not happened again.

MonnaLisa · 27/09/2019 09:43

Noooo you have young kids, you need time out! Lovely intentions and a bit idealistic but, as others have said, do rearrange your escape for another weekend if it's feasible/affordable. It's a need not a want!

baubled · 27/09/2019 09:43

Oh I would feel exactly the same!

I was looking forward to my 30th birthday surprise of what I was hoping (and had mentioned numerous times) of time just me and DP and instead it was a surprise party (which I had said I didn't want months before).

It doesn't matter how nice the actual surprise is because the idea of what you really wanted is gone! I hope they let you have a break and some fun rather than running round after the kids and cooking every night!

xoxoluna · 27/09/2019 09:44

Bummer I'd be disappointed too. Any way if you to could go ahead and spend the first night just the two of you, and the next day the rest of the family come join you guys?