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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/09/2019 09:45

Oops, bit of unintentional internalised misogyny in my last post! Blush

Of course your Mum isn't the only one who should help out properly, ALL the adults should!
In fact, I'd be telling your DP that you won't be lifting a finger all weekend - he's organised all these extra people so he can do the hard work shit instead of you! (obviously apart from the mum bit to your own kids, you can't get out of that, even if you do give them to your mum and dad to look after for hours)

sashh · 27/09/2019 09:45

Oh sweetie, I totally get you. My first reaction was close to LTB but you say he has done this from a good place.

I bet your children are with you full time and his are nor, so for him it's a fun weekend with the kids abut for you it's more of everyday parenting.

He can still arrange for you to have at least one day just the two of you, send the gran parents off with the kids (including his) for a day.

Gt him to organise a tora so that you do no cooking or cleaning.

Then book the cottage you want for next year and celebrate your last days of being 40.

Span1elsRock · 27/09/2019 09:45

I did the cottage and family thing for my 40th, OP. At the end of it, I was exhausted, resentful and have never booked another family holiday since. I did the childcare, organising, cooking and tidying up while everyone else enjoyed the swimming pool and being on holiday Hmm. I even cooked my bloody birthday meal for 12 Hmm

You need to tell him that if you discuss a plan in future, you don't expect him to go off grid and change something - otherwise he could do this again. And prep your family so that you're not the mug cooking, cleaning and doing childcare - send a group text out making it clear that you are the birthday girl and not cinder-fucking-ella!!

RhiWrites · 27/09/2019 09:46

I don’t understand why he’d think you’d want this instead of the original plan that you were enthusiastic about. Does he not listen when you say how you’re looking forward to some childfree indulgence?

Drum2018 · 27/09/2019 09:47

I'd fucking kill Dh if he did this. You had chosen a place and he thinks he has the right to go behind your back and choose a completely different weekend to the one you wanted?

He said there was no other weekend he could co-ordinate everyone so that's why he didn't book the cottage I wanted and did this in place

Unless you had also asked him to organise another weekend with the whole family I don't see what this shit is about. What the fuck was he thinking? He didn't need to co-ordinate anything seeing as you had chosen the destination and you had organised your parents to mind your kids. I'll be honest, I'd tell him straight out that this is not on, and I wouldn't be 'grateful' for the weekend he has planned.

littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 09:49

@TheresAMouse

WOW, it's practically unanimous! And I agree that YANBU. I would be incredibly pissed off. I would have to tell him as well. I would say 'this is not what I wanted for my 40th, so I'm not doing it!' As a few posters have said, you are going to be chief cook and bottle-washer, and main childcare person! Fuck that!

I HATE it when people change 'already-made' plans, and even worse, when they bring other people along, (that were not in the original plan.' Makes me so pissed off.

And when people say 'the more, the merrier,' I want to thrash them across the face with a wet kipper. Because that is quite often NOT the case.

adaline · 27/09/2019 09:51

Nope, I would be fuming too!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 09:53

On the question you pose - about how you feel and express your feelings - I really think you would be unreasonable not to be honest.

Putting your feelings second to his now and on such an important occasion, will set a precedent for the rest of your lives together. That would not be emotionally healthy for either of you, or bode well for your relationship.

Ask yourself why you would think that his hurt feelings are more important than yours.

You gave him every opportunity to get this right. He made his own choice to get it wrong. This isn't someone being clueless but well-intentioned, acting without guidance. It's someone thinking he knows better than you, what you want and what is good for you.

You can still rescue it graciously of course. You could say 'I do appreciate the thought and effort but actually I was really looking forward to what we'd planned, so I am disappointed. However, now that it's booked, of course I'll make the best of it and I'm sure we'll all have fun. Let's book something couply now though, so we have it to look forward to.'

How he responds to this will tell you a great about him and the potential for your relationship to succeed. Making it all about him, his good intentions and hurt feelings = loser. Focusing on you and making things as nice and enjoyable for you as possible = keeper.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 09:53

I can't seem to leave this thread I'm so upset on OPs behalf. I guess having been a lone parent to three, it's the childfree element that's now gone that really gets to me.

OP you must must must stop being 'nice' to keep the peace. He cannot be allowed to rule the roost like this - and yes, make it clear you won't be doing all the grunt work, and ask what plans he has in place for meals/entertaining kids/cleaning etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2019 09:53

And this from Brefugee is a comment I concur fully with.

"Even having seen the update where you have already had a weekend away together i would be making it very clear that i was
a) not at all happy with having my plans changed
and
b) not lifting a finger for anyone including my own children at the thing that he has planned
I'd also be asking my parents why they didn't tell him to fuck the fuck off when he changed the arrangements."

I was also thinking along the lines that reanimatedSGB wrote about earlier in this thread.

If you had done this to his birthday celebration I would think he would not be as forgiving. This is really what he thinks of you; oh he may be lovely and charming on the surface but he does not think that much of you.

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 09:55

It’s the kind of fuckwit thing a guy would do because he really doesn’t get the organisational graft involved.

I hope he’s going to do all the cooking even if he can’t do all the childcare.

I also wonder whether he felt bad going away without his kids, wanted to invite them, and devised this as a ploy.

BikeRunSki · 27/09/2019 09:55

YANBU At all!!!!

Let the go away, and have a lovely quiet weekend at home by yourself!

Heronwatcher · 27/09/2019 09:55

If he’s done it, I think I would be tempted to make the most of it but schedule a child free weekend later in the year and make it clear that no changes will be welcome! If you go into it with the right mindset maybe you’ll enjoy it more, and if your partner has done it in good faith then give him the benefit of the doubt.

Serin · 27/09/2019 09:56

Unless there is some massive issue (Like your parents have been recently released from prison for child abuse and he doesn't want them looking after you DC), then I think he is a massive Dick who has very little respect for you or your wishes.
He definitely wears the trousers doesn't he!

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 09:56

@ThumbWitchesAbroad he doesn't have set weekends for his kids due to working patterns. He said at the time he's arranged it with his ex that she would have them - that was 6 months ago! She's usually pretty helpful so I wouldn't expect her to be putting any spanner in the works.

I think some of the comments saying I need to nip it are correct. I really don't want this to happen again.

As much as I can ask people to help out with the graft of the weekend - unfortunately it's true that it won't really be possible when two small kids have mum on hand. I will need to pack for them and be their mum.

I was really looking forward to spending some time with my partner. When there's a big group like this, it often feels like we don't get to spend any time together.

OP posts:
Joerev · 27/09/2019 09:56

I totally understand. My 40th was spent with my PIL in hospital. Whilst I realise our holiday away by ourselves took a backseat and I was genuinely upset about my PIL. I was secretly very upset. My DH keeps saying we can do it again. It was to one of my dream destinations that I’ve never been. But I’ve had to start taking a medicine which now mean we can’t travel there. I was totally gutted.

AnneKipanki · 27/09/2019 09:56

I would be wanting a replacement break...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2019 09:56

Do not be bloody nice here to keep the peace. Do not be a mouse!!!

eddielizzard · 27/09/2019 09:59

I really don't understand his thinking: a weekend with loads of adults and children, lots of catering, lots of mess and chaos is a better choice than a quiet getaway with a hot tub and lots r&r. For YOUR birthday. He's mega fucked up here.

MarshaBradyo · 27/09/2019 09:59

I can see why you’d feel deflated after looking forward to the break.

Pancakeflipper · 27/09/2019 09:59

Organise another for you and him.. Make it a joint Christmas gift and enjoy this one as much as you can. I know its not what you want but enjoy making memories with the family (and have your own break away)

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 10:00

@sashh that's true - he doesn't have his kids all the time and yes correct I am a single parent with zero help from their dad and no local family support.

OP posts:
reginafelangee · 27/09/2019 10:00

Oh no - I'd be gutted if it were me.

MarshaBradyo · 27/09/2019 10:00

If he won’t revert I like the idea that you go and relax somewhere else and he does the work ;

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 27/09/2019 10:01

One consolation- he’s shown himself to be such a monumental idiot that you probably aren’t all that disappointed not to be spending time alone with him any more!