To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

I cooked Christmas dinner for a relative with a nut allergy a few years ago. I did find it quite terrifying and meticulously checked all ingredients but I did it! Would never have said they couldn't come. I do get why people are nervous though, you really don't want to kill someone with Christmas dinner (or any meal really)

@Ginnymweasley

The OP says the allergy only comprises fact that the child can’t digest nuts.

Your child has an allergy. It would seem this child suffers digestive issues as a result of nuts only.

Well if your son is so special to her you hold a trump card.. You could say you think it's important for the boys to spend Xmas together and grow up having fun times together, so you think you'll make other plans for Xmas. Or you could be even more blunt and say that you don't feel comfortable leaving the little boy out.

And I think the OP has created the situation by wrongly representing to the MIL the aotietiob

I don't like it but can see her point of view. Imagine how she would feel if the boy were ill. Nut allergy is very difficult to deal with in a household that has and uses nuts; her chopping board will be contaminated for a start, and some are so severe that even holding his hand you be a problem. She could not safely cook a nut-inclusive meal for everyone else and 'something different' for the child... far too risky imho.

Having said that, a good decent person would go the extra mile and exclude nuts from everything for the child's benefit. She could suggest that she hosts BiL and his new family every other year; I am sure his new partner would understand and even appreciate that. The way she is going about it is wrong but I suspect her intentions are good.

Situation

I don’t think it's anything to do with the nut allergy- it’s just a convenient excuse. There is an issue with the situation. Could be doesn’t agree with partner having a child, or doesn’t like partner or feels uncomfortable with them on Christmas Day if doesn’t know them? Or does she think the boy/little family would steal the attention on the day and feels a bit of jealous? It’s not the nuts that’s for sure!!

But you could say that my child cant digest nuts cause she vomits them straight back up again. My child also doesn't have an epi pen cause she doesnt fit the criteria. The op has said that the child is allergic to nuts and I really feel that should be believed. The child has a mild digestive reaction from what the op has said she believes. Still a reaction. And even if the child just couldn't 'digest nuts' whatever that means then he could still be catered for the same way as an allergy sufferer.

Nut allergies are a nightmare at Christmas, DD can attest to this. Very hard to actually be safe without making every single thing yourself, every single crust, pudding, making sure every dried fruit in puddings doesn't say "may contain nuts" which almost everything does these days. It is very difficult to do safely if you want to do the usual courses.

Also, people saying it isn't severe, it isn't severe until it is. Smaller reactions like hives and vomiting are just the beginning. The body has stronger and stronger reactions to the perceived threat and people have died having only had smaller reactions in the past. Christmas Day is not a great day to be waiting for paramedics and sourcing the closest defibrillator.

The remark about 'her special grandson' maybe just her saying she wanted to just buy something your son wants. I often say 'my special niece/ nephew's when siblings or inlaws mention presents including other kids . All I mean is I want to buy something just for their child. Something they'd like and not have to share.

The Christmas dinner she could be nervous and not letting on, I did a normal dinner that included a child with a severe nut allergy, I know you say his allergy is only when eaten but your mil may not realise there are different levels of nut allergies.

That meal I cooked I was nearly sick, i was actually terrified as i have never cooked like that before. The amount of food that has nuts, traces of nuts, packed in a factory that contains nuts, I really was afraid I'd kill the child. I watched him like a Hawke eating. He was fine, now I have then over regular and his mother will bring a dish for him, she does this as she knows I'm so nervous. It means he can eat with us and the food is not dangerous for him maybe an idea for your mil ?

When i go to this relative's house, everything has to be meticulously checked, cleaned and nothing is brought in from anyone else that the parents are unsure about. I know it's a different level of allergy but imo allergies scare the living daylights out of me, especially ones that can kill.

Christmas is clearly important to your IL. And they probably know the clock is ticking on how many more years they will be able to do. Let them have their day.
To be honest, you are over invested, it's up to your BIL to address this. Maybe your DH could have a chat to him.
But l would tread cautiously. It sounds as if you have a nice family. Maybe there is something else going on.

My sister's ex brother in law had a partner with a son by a previous relationship. The BIL's mother refused to have anything to do with the boy as 'he's not family.' Even to the extent that when BIL and partner had their own son, she would lavish attention on her 'real' grandson and cut out the other boy. So glad my family aren't like that, my parents were shocked and outraged by her behaviour.
Also, my ex MIL tried to break up the relationship when one of her sons got together with a woman who already had children (failed).
I do think, sadly, this is a case of a parent who has an image of 'the way things should be' and is prepared to put their expectations ahead of their child's happiness.

No reason not to invite, or get stressed about checking food for nut traces. If the child has a serious allergy they are probably accustomed to taking his food with them. It doesn’t sound like a life threatening reaction though, so he is probably fine just eating anything that isn’t overtly nutty - most food in fact! If you avoid mince pies and Xmas pud I can’t think of what other part of a traditional dinner might have nuts in?

I didn't grow up with my birth parents. I grew up living with other children's parents. I never felt part of the family. I was never treated. As part of the family. Fuck, on the. Odd occasion I visited my mother I didn't even feel part of her family.

Please don't leave this boy out.

brassbrass obviously you have just skimmed the thread, as OP has said its their third Christmas together.

I think they are right. Just because one person has an allergy, why should everyone else have to cope with it? They should take their own food for their son, problem solved.

This:
'I didn't grow up with my birth parents. I grew up living with other children's parents. I never felt part of the family. I was never treated. As part of the family. Fuck, on the. Odd occasion I visited my mother I didn't even feel part of her family.

Please don't leave this boy out.'

So many people looking at it just from the adults' point of view.

If your DH is adamant he wants to have Christmas lunch with his parents, compromise by leaving early and having BIL and his family over for tea and games later?

You do not give the ages of these people. Would you be brave enough to say that you prefer a small Christmas gathering and DPIL deserve a rest after all their efforts in the past, and would they not rather have Christmas with you and save all that work? It may be just what they are wishing would happen. It cannot be easy each Christmas and it might be that three more people is the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. You could then invite those who have been left out in other years. Gradually each year you could reduce it down to entertaining just a few people on each day and not the whole day.

I think you to tell BiL and get him to explain that the allergy is mild?
It sounds to me as though mil is worried - they can have a nut free day but there can still be traces around and cross contamination - 2 beautiful young people in the media last week died due to allergies, maybe she’s just scared.

Surely then the onus is on your Bil to either speak to his mum and try to organize something he can eat or for the three of them to spend it together alone and maybe pop round for drinks another time?

I’m on the fence. It isn’t nice the child is being excluded, but nut allergies are notorious for getting more severe each time you’re exposed to the nuts. You don’t have a full blown reaction usually on your first nut encounter. I personally wouldn’t be satisfied to accept that much pressure on myself for a child I’m simply not close to. The ILs sound like they put immense effort into the day and they should be free to celebrate it whatever way they like without having the menu dictated to by one person when everyone else enjoys the traditional dinner. There’s plenty of step moms here who admit they don’t love their step kids and that’s accepted as being fine and natural, in my honest opinion there’s nothing wrong with grandparents not feeling the same about a child that isn’t biologically anything to do with them.

I think expecting your elderly mother in law to deal with a nut allergy for the biggest family event of the year is kind of selfish.

Why can’t BIL and SIL host?

I think posters are deliberately misunderstanding this post. It would be easy for MIL to say to BIL "you are all welcome but I'm a bit nervous about the nut allergy and would appreciate you bringing food for the child to eat". All very simple, no need for her to bleat about it being so stressful.

Come on mumsnetters, don't children with allergies go to birthday parties, of course they do, they just take their own food and join in with the fun.

Your PILs are shits

She is being mean. I would provide a Christmas Day meal for Bil and family on Boxing Day. And I would tell mil but not in an angry way. Just that you would like to share some part of Christmas with them to make his partner and son feel part of the family.

Could your mil have a problem with the son. Your pil sound like mine. They are lovely and generous, but my bil has a daughter from a previous marriage and she is not welcoming with her because she’s not ‘blood’. Totally ridiculous.