To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

This is mean. My mum makes the whole of Christmas lactose free because of my SIL, even if she’s not coming for Christmas! Mum just wants to make sure all leftovers are suitable just in case!

I wonder if she's scared of inadvertently giving the DC an attack. Shes right in that so much food does contain nuts or nut oil and it's a huge worry. More so if you're not used to it.

Or maybe she doesn't see the DC as family. Technically he isn't. It would be kind to treat them equally but the step DC has another set of grandparents so will get presents from them. I doubt they will buy for both DCs.

The allergy is a red herring.

I think she isn't happy about her son raising someone else's child.

I'd have to tackle this head on and get it out in the open op

I honestly don't think it's a case of MIL not liking BIL's partners child, I think it comes from a place of fear. There has been a lot in the news lately regarding people dying from nut allergies and she probably thinks it's a massive responsibilty. If this is the case though she should talk to her son, tell him her worries and see what he says. Far less hurtful than just not inviting them. I could be wrong though and she could just be an old boot.

My DS has nut, sesame and other allergies. Despite myself and my DH telling my MIL multiple times what he can and can’t have and how serious allergies can be she can not cater for him at all. Last time we were there she put a plate of buns covered in sesame seeds in front of him then gave him a dessert which contained nuts. We now don’t eat there anymore but they are welcome to come to ours instead. I think some people are completely ignorant when it comes to allergies and others are just terrified of catering for allergies.
I do think that it is mean to leave him out, he will likely always have a nut allergy unless he grows out so will she exclude him for other Christmas and family events too?

Sounds as though MIL isn’t keen on the fact BIL’s partner already has a child. She’s deliberately excluding them and using the nut allergy as an excuse.

Poor BIL, DP and her DS. She sounds quite vindictive, I’d be inclined to spend Christmas with BIL instead.

Could DH speak to BIL if he would like you to host dinner (or even better if they then offer to host please accept) so everyone can be invited?

I think I’d weigh in there. Text her back and say they’re both her grandsons now, and BIL is going to be very upset if she doesn’t treat his partner and son as fully part of the family. It’s not an argument I’d stay out of!

This

It's ok for her to have more feelings for her biological child, of course it is - but it's not ok for her to show it if she doesn't want one of her son's and his family, to feel alienated. Her actions now could have huge repercussions.

OP can you get your DH to speak to his brother and ask what his plans are for Christmas? Perhaps he did mean that the three of them would be celebrating together, or perhaps he did hope all 8 of you would be doing so. Once you know that, you and DH will know how to approach it and as PPs have said, possibly host a nut free Christmas at yours. Or BIL and SIL and her DS could go to her parents?

Well, to be fair, your son is her grandson and your BIL's child isn't - not unreasonable for her to consider one "special" and the other not.

See this attitude is exactly why families are often so fucked up and complicated.

A child is a child. Regardless of how they came to be in your family, they are family. Treating them differently because of the circumstances of their birth is unfair and immature.

Your Mil is NOT nice.
She’s stating your child is her favourite, which means she’s going to use him to hurt Bil and his family. Nip that right in the bud, it’s not healthy for your lad and is cruel to your nephew.

You sound like a lovely aunty though and it may be time to focus on that relationship. Don’t not let her use you or your family to hurt others.

My god, my brother has had a nut allergy his whole life, plenty of people cook for him, and nobody's killed him yet. It is VERY easy to make Christmas dinner without nuts.

She's being mean and unkind.
I can't eat certain nuts due to allergies but am not anaphylactic and can eat food alongside people eating nuts without I'll effect.

He's not her grandson. And while of course every child should be treated kindly it's ridiculous to think anyone would care for a child they barely knew as much as their own child's child who've they've known prior to their birth.

Things become complicated when people think because they've decided to mush two families together that everyone must play to their song and dance.

My niece has a nut allergy

The amount on products you buy that clearly don't have nuts in yet they have a disclaimer claiming they can't promise is huge. Therefore she can't have any of them and pretty much only eats the foods that are home made.

Her area don't issue epipens btw. Her allergy is not mild and we were surprised but the consultant insisted that they are not standard issue

It sounds like your MiL doesn't see the child as family and can't be bothered. Very sad

The nut allergy doesn't need to be an issue. My friends son has a life threatening nut allergy. She used to send him to parties with a packed lunch so he could eat safely but still join in.

I think some people are completely ignorant when it comes to allergies and others are just terrified of catering for allergies.

Yup.

We've already established it's not about the allergies. Just her grandson is SPECIAL.
Well of course he's more special to her but it's unreasonable of her to make it so obvious.
If she loves her son then she should be making an effort to include the people that are special to him.

Sounds like there is more to thjis than they are saying.

By the way OP being a good host is not being a show off.

As an aside @PrayingandHoping I’d be challenging that decision re. Epipens. Our consultant prescribed ours over the phone while we were waiting for the appointment based on my child’s symptoms alone (pre blood test).

@Millie2016 she's seen a top consultant in London. She has had v in-depth testing. They did challenge it and was told that they do not give them out in her area

I also said it's also BIL partners child too just a few days later, how about a joint voucher for something like that?

I've skimmed the thread and judging by your various comments it does feel as though you are over invested in this and looking to make trouble whilst trying to come across as inclusive of the other boy.

It's only their first Christmas together give them a chance. They might actually want to spend it just the 3 of them and establish their own traditions. MIL isn't obligated to love any new additions to her family from day one. As long as she is polite and respectful that's ok. In time once everyone gets to know each other better a natural and organic affection might develop if allowed.

You pushing it won't help anyone and will cause hurt and misunderstandings. PIL will be painted into a corner and quite frankly it would be difficult to bond with a child once you been accused of excluding them. It would feel like you were having to perform to appease others.

Stay out of it. Support BIL separately without comparing what PILs are/aren't doing. It's up to BIL to challenge any difficulties on behalf of his family not you.

Stop meddling basically.

To be honest I really couldn’t be arsed to cater for an allergy and if I was in her position I’d suggest doing Christmas dinner at their house instead.