To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

I have to support the PP brassbrass with the plea that you stop meddling OP.

This thread has so many posters making assumptions about your Mil. We don't know what she thinks.
Why don't you ask her and then tell us the facts.

When all of you are grandparents hosting Christmas for the family then you can judge......but you shouldn't. It is this person's home and her business.

So we shouldn't care about a little boys feelings?

Nothing has been mentioned of the little boy's feelings! This is all projection on the part of OP.

It's their first Christmas together they need to figure out what that's going to be naturally without OP forcing her own agenda. Surely BIL and the boy's mother are capable of negotiating that and looking out for the boy's interests?

Your MIL is entitled to her feelings and decisions.

Feeling more attached to a grandson than a child of a partner your son has recently moved in with, is fairly normal I'd guess.

Also there may be many more reasons for this than you are aware of.

You do seem to be over invested in something not to do with you, and your 'nudging' could easily look manipulative.

Let your MIL and her DS work this out.

But feel free to judge your MIL privately, and rant to your DH, but that's all your entitled to do here I'd say.

*This is all a bit naive. To be truly ‘nut free’ you’d have to have no nuts in the house at all and scour the entire kitchen from top to bottom to get rid of any traces.

Any ready made food bought from a supermarket could contain traces of nuts.

I can understand why MIL doesn’t want the responsibility of someone with a life threatening allergy at Christmas*

OP has already said this isn't how the child's allergy manifests. My child only reacts if he directly ingests certain nuts.

my dh calls Christmas time the season of death! nuts in stuffing, with veggies desserts, stockings, lying around on tables of nibbles.

it is difficult to cater but if he's mild then any 'may contain nuts' is usually fine, just if it has actual nuts. child could just opt out of some foods rather than needing nut free version.

What an old bag !! I think there is more to it .... my nephew has a nut allergy and an epi pen and he comes every Christmas... he just can’t eat them so my sister would check things when he was little .. it was fine x

Maybe decline and invite BIL etc to your place. I think it is mean and shows nothing of the spirit of Christmas.

OP has already said this isn't how the child's allergy manifests. My child only reacts if he directly ingests certain nuts.

She hadn’t already said that if you read the thread.

We still don’t know how it manifests. We just know she thinks he doesn’t have an epipen, which are not always given out for serious allergies.

Suggest to MIL that the BIL brings the child’s food with him and she just supplies the plates. If she says no, then you know the issue is the family, not the food.

I think it is sad - but some families are like this. I was shocked when my FIL wrote something about putting some money in trust for my husband and I's "blood children", which was obviously planning to leave out any adopted children we might have. We didn't have any or have any plans to, but it wasn't the way I see things; and his children didn't have any step or adopted children so it was irrelevant - so I did ignore it. But it still shocks me.

I didn’t read all post so don’t know if anyone has said it, but my thoughts would be the boy isn’t her biological grandchild and the nut allergy is an excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be honest I really couldn’t be arsed to cater for an allergy and if I was in her position I’d suggest doing Christmas dinner at their house instead

'Really can't be arsed' is an incredibly shitty and inconsiderate reason to not cater for an allergy that isn't so severe he can't even be around nuts, he just can't digest them

And for a child that is very new to the family and possibly may feel a bit alien. Nasty, in my eyes

Don't meddle, you can't make your MIL feel something she doesn't, even if it does reflect badly on her that she doesn't.

I would take what she says at face value, she finds the idea of hosting a child with an allergy too much work, because she doesn't feel able (for whatever reason) to alter her meal plans to fit round this.

So, suggest to your DH that you offer to host, invite BIL and his DP and DSS over to you. Say you think MIL is finding the idea of a big get together too much. Then once you've established that they hadn't planned to go to her parents already or want to just be the 3 of them etc, at that point, present it to MIL as problem solved, it was too much for her to host, so you are going to do it! And goodness, it's about time she had a year off etc.

Big smiles, no option of her hosting unless it also includes BIL and his family. You are going to spend the day with BIL and PIL can join in or not, but they don't get to control the guest list.

If you aren't certain your DH is aware of how his mum is excluding DSN, then present it to him too that "your Mum is saying she can't cope with hosting everyone, we really need to step up."

Your MIL doesn't want to accept the fact that her son is with someone who already has a child.

Invite them to your house and spend Christmas with them. It will only get worse from here.

I remember not being allowed to visit my step GP's when my siblings did. And I also remember not getting presents from them while my siblings did. It's horrible to feel that way as a child and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It doesn't matter that your BIL has accepted the boy as his own, your MIL will never truly treat him as family no matter how many years go by.

As the parent of a child with a nut allergy it saddens me how many people would refuse to cool for her because of this. Christmas is not that hard to cater for with a nut allergy. Most stuffing is actually ok as long as it's not chestnut stuffing, mincemeat is usually ok so just make your own mince pies, make a nut free christmas cake, there are quite a few nut free xmas puddings on the market. Chocolates are more difficult but not that hard, maltesers, chocolate buttons etc all nut free. Most allergy sufferers only react on eating. Nobody needs to deep clean the kitchen etc. She doesnt want him there. I doubt the allergy has much to do with it.

I think it depends on how serious the nut allergy is as to how tricky it is. We don’t eat nuts much at Xmas just actual snack nuts which could easily be removed . However a lot of products may contain nuts which are harder to remove .

In any case I’m sure a quick ( or long ) chat with his mum would make things easier.

Sounds ,selfish & quite cold ....but as you've said this is out of character could it be ,that she's terrified .....maybe she finds it a stressful day but a day that she loves to be the hostess with the mostess & spoil everyone & her enjoyment of that makes the work and stress of it all worthwhile & the recent high profile horrific allergy related deaths make her feel to scared to try to accomodate this !? I'd be worried and I've come accross allergies before

It does seem in character though - if your MIL prides herself on being an excellent cook and host, and Christmas is their "flagship event", with recipes having been honed and praised over the years - being effectively told this isn't good enough (even if it's for a perfectly valid reason), that may well feel like an insult.

MIL and FIL have been in charge of making the hosting decisions for Christmas and other events, they decide what you eat, drink etc and they get it right over and over. Other people don't get to decide how christmas is done, they do and then everyone else is grateful/impressed.

This is someone else making the decisions about what is served and how they host.

That your MIL is reluctant to let other people host, prefering to invite to them or meet out somewhere else, does seem in character for someone who feels they need to be in charge.

She'd rather not see her DS on Christmas day than have someone else dictate what is served and how the day is run.

It really might not be about the step-grandson at all, but about her need to be the one who is in charge.

If I'm right, she'll hate being a guest at your house if you host instead....

an allergy that isn't so severe he can't even be around nuts, he just can't digest them

So he can be around nuts. Did you tell the MIL this that it is a digestive issues rather than an allergy

Two very different things

I suspect you used the word “allergy” and she’s seen in the press how easily it is for someone with an allergy to have a serious, even fatal reaction.

A digestive problem is a completely different thing to an allergy. You used the word allergy. You have created this situation

I feel sorry for the boy, if I were you I'd do xmas myself and not invite the in laws. What will she be like if bil and his partner have children together he is always going to be a second class citizen. How old is the boy? I was 6 when my mum remarried nearly 40years ago I was the only person in my class with a step dad but since i was 6 i was accepted by his family they were my gran and my aunties uncles and cousins.

Apart from this, her and her husband sound like lovely, caring, welcoming people.

So it's very possible they're just very nervous and don't understand the do's and donts.

Your BIL needs to sit down and reassure them.

That might be all it takes.

lovemenorcaMy child throws up when she has nuts.... this is an allergy. You dont have to have an anaphylactic reaction for it to be an allergy. The next time my daughter eats nut the reaction could be different. This is the issue people just don't understand allergies at all. My dd doesnt have digestive issues she has an allergy which affects her digestive system. It may not be severe but projectile vomiting numerous times isnt exactly enjoyable either. Allergies can range from mild, skin rashes, vomiting, to moderate, slight swelling etc to severe anaphylaxis. They are all still allergies.

I do feel sad with how your MIL is behaving but unfortunately you can't change her viewpoint.

You need to find out what your BIL plans are and then make a decision.

Have you asked BIL what they are doing?

She could simply invite them and let them make their own minds up on whether or not it was ok for the boy to attend. If she's been doing the meal for years your BiL should know enough about whats there to make a decision.