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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset my kid got told they was a waste of space

274 replies

Yeetyaga · 26/09/2019 18:59

Trying to be less identifying as possible but yesterday my child (secondary school) got called a waste of space and oxygen and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. It seems to have possibly had an effect on my kid

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/09/2019 21:09

Theipcode
Frequently by a primary caregiver is totally different.

If the teacher did say this as reported then they've overstepped the mark and should have not let their entirely valid exasperation show.

However, I think it's more telling that a student minimises their behaviour, claims they were sent out and called a waste of space and oxygen for just whispering across the room (most hilarious minimising effort I've heard in a while) and then goes home to tell their parents they felt they may as well kill themselves. It's almost like this is a student who has worked out how to minimise their actions to get support from home with good old fashioned manipulation.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2019 21:11

How will you and your child cope when they start a job? 😳

No boss has ever called me a waste of space and oxygen. That would be highly unprofessional.

We're still not 100% sure the teacher said it either.

The workplace will expect staff to knuckle down and get on with their job. If the OP's child has no desire to do so and has blamed everyone else's attitude, adulthood may be a bit of a disappointment.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 26/09/2019 21:13

OP, stop defending your child, because, by defending them in this case, you are doing them a disservice. He or she does not believe on any level that the teacher wants them to commit suicide. They are deflecting from their poor behaviour.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/09/2019 21:13

I don’t think my child would make something up

😂😂😂. 🙄

SudowoodoVoodoo · 26/09/2019 21:15

It's not wildly impossible that an exasperated teacher has said such a thing. Not ideal, far from it, but if my child's behaviour had driven the teacher to the point of being sent out and making such comments, I'd be wanting my child to sort their behaviour out.

Whispering can be loud and disruptive, the sound often carries more than quiet talking. I've whispered loudly across my not-silent class to make the point that I can hear their whispers.

I'm not saying that your child is lying, but edited highlights with plenty of ommissions and minimising are very common amongst children in common. That's not quite the same as lying, but it's not being fully honest either.

The only reason I would be getting in touch with the teacher would be to establish what my child had done so I could discuss it with them to hopefully avoid a repeat.

MoodleJam · 26/09/2019 21:17

Whisper my foot. If I were a parent of a kid in his or her class, I'd think your DC is a waste of space as well to disrupt the lesson. And at 14 he should correct his behaviour rather than running to mummy.

ElizabethJacketDeLaGuerre · 26/09/2019 21:17

I don’t think my child would make something up

Oh come on, OP. All children make stuff up.

If the teacher did say that, he/she shouldn't have done. But I'm Hmm at the idea that it would make any teenager - especially one who is wont to misbehave in lessons - have a crisis of confidence. As PP have said, it sounds to me like an attempt to deflect attention away from their bad behaviour because this particular teenager has evidently realised that Mum believes every word s/he says and is milking this knowledge for all it's worth.

If one of mine came out with that line, I'd agree that the teacher shouldn't have said it. However, I'd also tell them to get over themselves, stop being so ridiculously dramatic, and behave in lessons.

HugoSpritz · 26/09/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cluck57 · 26/09/2019 21:20

Go back to netmums

LittleAndOften · 26/09/2019 21:20

Ultimately OP, if your dc hadn't been misbehaving, the situation would not have happened.That's the crux of the matter which you seem to be missing.

Fwiw, teachers are human, and sometimes reach the end of their tether and say unwise things. Even if that is the case, your dc's poor behaviour is the root of the problem.

Faultymain5 · 26/09/2019 21:27

Has the teacher at any point admitted making the comment? Because, until then, I would not take the child's complaint as gospel.

Are you serious with that question? My experience with some teachers, especially those that have been in the educational field for forever, do exactly what children do, lie to protect themselves. Children have a tendency to learn from the adults around them.

For the rest of you, I thought we could multi-task, OP can deal with both her DC's behaviour and the school's representative. Teachers are people, not saints

BloggersBlog · 26/09/2019 21:28

If you feel that what the teacher said was so terrible OP (and I too would not like it to be said to my DC) then what on earth did your child do to wind an adult up to the extent that they said it?

It is good for children to learn that actions have consequences BEFORE they get into employment, and start losing work because they haven't learned to follow instructions by listening to teachers asking them to stop "whispering" Hmm across a classroom.

LyraParry · 26/09/2019 21:30

I actually can believe the teacher said that (I've worked with a couple who I'd easily believe would say something like it). And of course the teacher shouldn't have said it. I'd probably raise it with the school so they are aware but without telling dc. Equally, though, I'd deal with dc by turning it around: "if your friend x was constantly not listening to you, talking over you, generally being rude and dismissive when you were trying to help him, would you still like him"? Because most teens can see it when you put it that way.

gingerbiscuits · 26/09/2019 21:30

Speaking as a teacher myself, whilst that isn't particularly professional, it would undoubtedly be the actions of a very frustrated teacher at the end of their tether! Asking a child to leave your classroom is always a last resort & I would very much doubt would be in response to a bit of cross-class whispering.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/09/2019 21:33

If your kid is a bit disruptive it sounds like they don't usually pay a great deal of attention to what the teacher says....yet they've chosen this throwaway comment to really take on board missing the point no

Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2019 21:35

Has the teacher at any point admitted making the comment? Because, until then, I would not take the child's complaint as gospel.

Are you serious with that question? My experience with some teachers, especially those that have been in the educational field for forever, do exactly what children do, lie to protect themselves. Children have a tendency to learn from the adults around them.

Yes. I'm serious with that question. The child is being believed wholeheartedly while the teacher has at no point been questioned about their take on what happened and who said what.

As for children learning from adults around them, this one seems to be learning from home that they can do no wrong. And even if they do wrong, it's not their fault.

Silenttype · 26/09/2019 21:43

I know of a couple of teachers at my school would say things like this, very flippant remarks, to the disruptive kids (early 00's) not said maliciously, water off a ducks back for the students Confused not something I could get worked up over as a student. As a parent i'd be wondering what my child was getting up to to warrant being sent out.

Girasole02 · 26/09/2019 21:46

Can't comment on if your child is a waste of oxygen and space but I can tell you for sure that they are selfish by preventing the teacher from teaching and other students from learning. If it's ks4, the teacher should not be 'controlling the class', students that age should be able to control themselves. Yes, I'm a teacher and seeing precious GCSE time ebbing away on time wasters is frustrating especially as the teacher is accountable for the grades of the group and their pay progression may depend upon it.

PuffHuffle5 · 26/09/2019 21:48

It was unprofessional of the teacher to say what they did (if that’s really what they said??) but to be honest if you’re DC is going to missbehave and be disruptive no one’s really going to feel sorry for him and he’s gonna have to learn to take as good as he gives in life. It is a bit eyeroll inducing to hear someone play the victim when at the end of the day their own behaviour is pretty questionable - like when someone who has committed a crime starts going on about their human rights. No one gives a shit. Learn to behave like a decent person - or people aren’t gonna like you and one day you will piss off the wrong person. A slightly irate teacher may well end up being the least of their problems.

notacooldad · 26/09/2019 21:51

Your DC seems to have been disruptive.
Personally if it was my kid that had behaved like that I'd be saying 'if you behave like that, your teacher may have a point!'

Come on, 'whispering' across the class room is disruptive and I bet they were told more than once.
If you leap to their defence and go complaining to the school you are giving your child a sign that you will back them no matter how badly they behave at school.

LolaSmiles · 26/09/2019 21:53

girasole02
I'm with you. I hate the fact that controlling the class at times goes from the common sense "promote an appropriate learning environment with a range of praise and sanctions" to mean "if my child misbehaves it's because the teacher didn't implant them with a robotic microchip and program every behaviour desired" (or worse "don't ever say control the class because that makes you a meanie who hates children and likes to bully them").

The teacher having to send a disruptive student it at GCSE Is part of classroom management, but it shouldn't have to happen because students should have the tiniest ounce of common sense and consideration to realise not everyon cares what they have to say and most people want to do well in their GCSEs instead of their teacher having to waste time with idiots who won't shut up.

HarryHarry · 26/09/2019 22:01

The teacher’s choice of words were a bit extreme (I had teachers like that too) but shouldn’t do any lasting harm. I wouldn’t worry about it. How has it affected your child? I think it’s best to show them that it’s no big deal, not personal, so they can become more resilient. (And obviously teach them not to talk across the classroom again, which I expect you’ve already done).

Starlight456 · 26/09/2019 22:01

This is the type of complaint I would expect from my Ds if he were in trouble . Why ? He likes to deflect from his own behaviour.

So as a parent I would ignore.especially if it was a one off comment.

Yabbers · 26/09/2019 22:04

I can’t do nothing when they say to me that ‘they might aswell of told me to kill myself’ so I came to mumsnet.

A bit extreme there. Seems some toughening up is required.

make me feel as though nobody believed in me or wonder what the point of learning was.

Your kid had already checked out of learning if they think “whispering” across a classroom is acceptable behaviour.

I can’t believe you are falling for this shit. The old “I got in to trouble but let’s cause a distraction so I don’t catch it at home” routine is as old as the hills.

LaBelleSauvage · 26/09/2019 22:04

Every time i hear a story like this- 'my child was misbehaving but then the teacher said x y or z' I think:

1- the child is very likely lying about what was said. "You're wating my time" much more likely than "you're a waste of space". They were in trouble and trying to deflect onto the teacher. And the supposed misdemeanour is always a lie too. Whispering? No one believes that

  1. Anyone who says their child never lies is deluded. All children lie sometimes. All people do. Especially when they stand to gain from it eg. Not getting into trouble.... or getting a group of strangers on the internet to sympathise with an unlikely story........