I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

No @banana64 the UK is in a mess PRECISELY because of lazy parenting similar to yours.

Kids can be such little knobs can’t they. Please don’t think that you’re alone. My son is 19 now but when he was 3 he was such a little bastard he used to have me in tears. We got through it and other people always say what a lovely young man he is.

I like the sound of the advice from @Houseworkavoider. I think it’s very important to follow through with any threatened sanctions, ie, no tv etc. Good luck. You’ve got this xx

No @banana64 the UK is in a mess PRECISELY because of lazy parenting similar to yours.

This!!!

I hear you OP

Today I noticed quite a few tearful children coming into the playground this morning

My DC aged 5 was in tears at home before we left, wanted to watch TV rather than get ready and I wouldn't allow it until fully dressed & teeth dons etc

Also noticed quite a few mums having some 'stern' words with their LOs at drop off!

Op you are doing a superb job and everything you’re feeling is normal.
Just last week, I bumped into a friends who’s 16 mths was fussing. My DDT’s 18 mths was sat perfectly ( thank goodness) . My poor friend just kept apologising and becoming more flustered. Seriously, any other day it could easily have been my dd being a fuzz box.
The other parents were lovely to speak up to try and reassure you. Many of us have been there, numerous times.
If it becomes a regular occurrence, just get to school last minute so he has no time to hang around. Through the gate, into class, quick kiss, job done.

@banana64, it may well be that you have never had to raise your voice to your kids and that you all get on perfectly. But you think British society is shit. Hope you haven't passed that attitude on to your kids.

Hahahahaha I'm not in the uk. So it's totally not down to me. My parenting is excellent. Proof is in the pudding.
It's funny how wrong ye are.

Tvdinnertracks.
I have reared decent people. How exactly is your shitshow down to that.

I have never had any of them conduct themselves in such a poor manner because they were taught it would not be tolerated

I have never had to deal with shitty behaviour

How and why did you teach them bad behaviour would not be tolerated if they never displayed it? That makes no sense. And did you give birth to babies or fucking robots because ALL kids push the boundaries (like OP's kid did) and then you correct them (just like OP did). If your DC's have never done anything wrong in their lives, then rather than patting myself on the back for having an easy ride, I'd be extremely worried quite frankly

@banana64
If you’re not in the uk and you’re slamming uk parenting, I think OP should discount anything you are saying based on the fact that you are coming across as very prejudiced.

Mumsnet has no place for that sort of behaviour.
Besides, if you’re so perfect in your parenting, how, may I ask can you get the concept of supporting people so wrong? What values have you taught your children?
I’m bored of you now. You’re comments are deflecting from a decent person asking for support.

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Draw a line and tomorrow is a new day. Also as he’s 5, assuming he’s only just started year1? No excuse for his behaviour but it’s probably an adjustment period, not a reflection of your parenting as others are suggesting.

You sound like a very good mother to me. I think the jump to year 1 is hard and he is probably finding the change difficult. I bet he is not the only child playing up. You are doing fine don't blame yourself

Hahahahaha I'm not in the uk. So it's totally not down to me. My parenting is excellent. Proof is in the pudding.

Modest too. You really have got it all.

@banana64 are you in Ireland? I am and we say 'ye'. especially in the west i think 😜

OP we have all been there.

I am shit at confrontation too. It's always been my weakness as a parent and while DS1 (nearly 11) has become more manageable as he has got older simply by the virtue that I can let him be more independent, I still struggle to MAKE him do stuff if I need him to. And part of me feels that's a failure, part of me thinks that's OK and how it should be (but then also, how the fuck do you get them to do stuff you need them to do?) . I end up reading a lot of gentle parenting stuff and nodding along really identifying with it, but nowhere in gentle parenting stuff does it ever actually tell you HOW to enforce boundaries, just why time out is me, abandonment etc. It's hard, when he was 5 I was regularly in tears about his behaviour and I just didn't know what to do. I tried being more strict but I was just shit at it. I fell back on the gentle parenting stuff a lot but it wasn't working.

Lately I have discovered the RIE approach which actually hits a comfortable middle point for me. It's respectful and non forceful but there is a huge focus on boundaries, how and when to set them, and that helps me a lot. It's the piece of the puzzle I was missing. Nagging a lot, apparently, means you're failing to set boundaries effectively - who knew? And if you regularly end up doing nag nag nah SHOUT then it will probably help as well. I listen to Janet lansburys podcast unruffled, it's free.

@Aprillygirl
You took the words right out of my mouth.

A nice evening has been had. Some tears and some further tellings off when explaining what happened wasn't acceptable.

But we sat and coloured together. And talked. And nes just dropped off telling me he loves me, is sorry and that I am the best mummy.

Cant wait till his artwork is finished.

I'm not surprised with with so many kids banana is a miserable totalitarian.

But hey... none of us are perfect--except banana of course We all have holes in our backsides.

I realised tonight, with husband and Mum's gentle guidance that I bark and snap at him. That's why sometimes he doesn't listen? Who knows. But once pointed out, and not for the first time, it made sense somewhat.

Thank you all for your concerns. Your kind words and showing me that none of us are clued up on kids except banana and we all just do our best.

Let's build each other up. Not make each other feel worse.

@Ozziewozzie Meatloaf, 1977 I believe. Tune

Op I was wondering what on earth you’d done whe you said you lost your shit. You really didn’t!

Whilst I don’t think it was said in a helpful way some of what banana64 said was right. I know it’s tough when you are the reason why your children are sad and your natural instinct is to make them feel better, apologising in this case would have been the wrong thing to do. It would have undermined what you set out to do.

It’s good that he apologised to you and that you can chat about it with him tonight. But honestly don’t beat yourself up about it.

A pp recommended a book to read and I swore by Dr Tanya Byron, she had a tv show called (I think) little angels, you might be able to find them on you tube. Well worth a watch. Lots of good techniques to use.

And as already said by others, the other parents have to deal with that shit too, they were just relieved it wasn’t them!

Glad all went well tonight

Sounds like a successful evening for you both

@banana64 what kind of things did you do with your children in these situations/in order to prevent these situations?

@cjt110 do you think tiredness played a part? I bet it did! Glad you had a nice evening.

My Mum always tells me the dc were fine till I got home.

He was naughty and rude, you told him off that's it.

@Aprillygirl
I’m just waiting for the kiss now!