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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

272 replies

cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:17

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2019 11:33

Why did you threaten him with telling his teacher about his behaviour? Teachers deal with behaviour during class, so the least you can do is deal with it when he's your responsibility.

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:33

@banana64 OK. Thanks. Nothing wrong with wanting to say sorry for making a child cry.. Even if they were in the wrong. Clearly we have different parenting styles.

OP posts:
banana64 · 26/09/2019 11:34

Yes. And yours isnt working.
He's being a shit and you won't deal with it.

Butchyrestingface · 26/09/2019 11:34

I just don't know what to do. Everyone elses kids seem so nice, placid, obedient.

But in your very first post you said this:

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

From this, you must realise that your son's tantrum is very common.

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:34

@Justmuddlingalong I don't know. Because I thought it might make him listen to me?

I feel so fucking lost right now.

OP posts:
Jinglejanglefish · 26/09/2019 11:34

Urm... At what point in the story did you lose your shit? This all sounds pretty calm and a bit of a non event tbh.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2019 11:36

But it won't make him listen to you. By using threats of telling other people about his behaviour is showing him you can't or won't deal with him.

justheretostalk · 26/09/2019 11:36

Err, you and me seem to have very different definitions of “losing my shit”. It sounds like you handled that just fine to me. Confused
He was being naughty and you told him so.

I can’t believe you rung the school and want to apologise to him. He should be apologising to you.

MiniCooperLover · 26/09/2019 11:36

OP, don't feel bad about it. You were cross, he was cross, it happens. He'll come out fine. It won't hurt him to know you can't be spoken to like that. I found that if I got to the school gates too early my DS (now 8) would get carried away with friends and go a bit manic. Now I time it so we walk in just as the doors open so there's no time for distraction, running with friends/ it's straight in time and that has helped a lot.

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:36

@banana64 I'm not engaging in tit for tat with you. As I said, I don't have the mental strength right now to deal with it and don't know how to. How about having some compassion instead of just telling me, even more so, that my parenting is shit.

@Butchyrestingface Perhaps. I hadn't thought of it this way. I could just cry. I feel I'm always the mum rounding him up, asking him to just do as I ask..

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 26/09/2019 11:36

dont be upset op. there isnt much to get upset about what happened there and you ringing school. you did your best. and you gave cuddle at the end, too.
it is a difficult age. he is testing boundaries.
be firm at home. in public go with his flow as much as you can so there isnt any scene.

AlunWynsKnee · 26/09/2019 11:37

They always muck about most for their most secure attachment at that age.
There were plenty of mornings I dropped ds off and told the TA that he was grumpy or tired or there had been 'words' required to get him out of the house. It does get easier!

Whattodoabout · 26/09/2019 11:38

Calling the school was a little OTT but you’re not a shit Mum, honestly. Every child has a tantrum or refuses to do something when asked occasionally. He’s also only five so very young. The Mum passing judgement was a dickhead, no better way of phrasing it. I see a toddler throwing a tantrum daily in the school playground and I don’t judge because I have children so I understand they throw tantrums sometimes...

My DC3 seldom kicks off but when she does, the whole world knows about it. She once ran around the playground in reception refusing to go in so I had to chase her and when I got ahold of her, she threw herself on the ground (I nearly went with her!). She laid on the ground screaming and kicking, it was awful. The teacher had to come over to help and I felt dreadful, I walked away crying that day. She was four, it happens sometimes. Thankfully didn’t happen again but some children do it more often, I feel for parents in that situation rather than judge.

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:38

@MiniCooperLover I had thought about this as an option. As I have to dash immediately from drop off to work and get there JUST in time, I have to park nr school at 8.20. Doors don't open until 8.45 and we often go into the playground for 8.30.

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 26/09/2019 11:38

If that's you losing your shit then I'm a really terrible parent 😬. You remained calm and dealt with it, I'd have been a lot more stern and I would ha e mentioned to the teacher on going in that dc was upset because they'd behaved poorly and been told off as a result, then I'd have thought no more of it. Certainly no apologies, you disciplined your child it's just basic parenting. 5 year olds will cry when told off because they don't like it and if they get sympathy for doing so they will cry more the next time

Butchyrestingface · 26/09/2019 11:39

@Butchyrestingface Perhaps. I hadn't thought of it this way. I could just cry. I feel I'm always the mum rounding him up, asking him to just do as I ask..

Unfortunately I think a lot of women would say the same thing. Sad
Is daddy the fun one in your house?

WonderWomansSpin · 26/09/2019 11:40

You're tired. Cut yourself some slack. I do agree with a PP that creating an issue when they go in, isn't the best idea. They've already shifted into school mode. You interfered in his dynamic with his friend to little or negative effect. Then you got into a power struggle, partly because you were worried about other parents.
We all have rubbish mornings. My one aim in the morning is to try to get DS into school happy. I try not to create flash points.
As for the other parents, I read very wise advice on MN once. Your DC isn't an extension of you. Try not to view their behaviour as a reflection or a power struggle.
(He probably played up last night because he'd missed you. It's a sign of affection. If you haven't already, read How to Talk).

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:42

@Butchyrestingface Yes and No. When DH shouts at him, he listens. Feels like he just ignores me.

Im the one usually busy with stuff whilst Daddy is watching tv and the "just a minute" phrase comes out more often than I would like.

My Mum is picking him up tonight. I wish it were me now so I can talk to him.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 26/09/2019 11:42

If it makes you feel better, my DS is nearly 9 and after a long first week back at school he lost his shit in the playground when I asked him to stop being silly and threw the doughnut he'd bought from the PTA stand at the wall. Jam, sugar everywhere. Sobbing 8 year after old. He was just overwrought and tired (there are sensory issues at play)

Everyone's been through it, anyone that says they haven't is lying. No one will think you are a bad mum, everyone will be glad it's not just their child. Honestly. You are hurting because your child is hurting but that's what this parenting lark is about. We love them but have to parent them and sometimes that makes them sad.

Summersend4 · 26/09/2019 11:42

Two other parents tried to make you feel better by sympathising with you over your sons behaviour in the playground . You were not in the wrong and you really need to stop beating yourself up . Your son used ‘unkind words ‘ to you . You were insistent - but frankly it sounds like you need to be .

MsTSwift · 26/09/2019 11:43

Tbh the only vaguely worrying part of the whole incident is your wailing and ringing the school afterwards etc. Your kid behaved badly you pulled him up on it no one likes being told off so he was abit put out. But you were doing your job as a parent. Why are you upset about it now? I must be totally mean as would have walked away from that incident thinking god I need to be stricter to address that shit behaviour I would t feel bad about myself. Banana has a point sorry.

Meirou90 · 26/09/2019 11:44

Someone should call SS on you OP!

(Joking)

You’re being way, way too soft. Pity about him that he’s upset over “unkind” words. He was naughty and got told off. End of, don’t give it a second thought.

LisaRoundTheMulberryBush · 26/09/2019 11:44

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

This is how we all talk to each other at my children's school. Along with things like, "We've all been there" and "This is why coffee was invented!".

I remember one morning a very stressed father (whom I know, FWIF) pulled up the car in the middle of the road and dumped his bawling DD on the pavement saying, "That's enough!" He'd had the devils job getting her into the car apparently. There was nowhere for him to park. Another mum and I came over to dust her off and reassure him that we'd take care of her. We were sympathetic. Parenting can be really hard at times and I think most of us have behaved in ways we're not entirely proud of. It's ok. It's not the end of the world.

Original poster
cjt110 · 26/09/2019 11:44

@MsTSwift The old chestnut of anxiety I am afraid.

OP posts:
chinateapot · 26/09/2019 11:45

It sounds like you’re feeling rubbish today but your parenting sounds good. Also none of this means your DS isn’t a good kid. You’ll notice him misbehaving far far more than you’ll notice other kids acting up because it feels so horrible when it’s our kid and in public. But really we’ve all been there.
He was naughty this morning
You correctly called him out on it
You sound a bit tired and worn out and so you feel rubbish and guilty about it - but you shouldn’t.
Have a cup of tea, be kind to yourself and this evening is a new evening - I personally would start afresh with him then, he’s already been corrected for behaviour this morning so I’d let that go now.
Take care of yourself, parenting is hard!