I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

......Oh and to add when i read your post I was expecting further things you had done in your post and when there was nothing else I did think oh is that it so don't worry!!

I say this in the nicest possible way OP but you really are making a mountain out of a molehill. You are beating yourself up over nothing, and you have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. In fact I think you pulling your DS up about him bossing his friend about makes you a good parent, many would have turned a blind eye to avoid the very same 'scene' that you went through. Your son's backchat and defiance is really nothing more than every other parent on the planet puts up with about 74 times a day from their kid, it just feels worse when it happens in public, which I think is why many parents let their kids act up more outside than they would at home. You don't though, you are brave so give yourself a pat on the back, get on with your day and continue to parent just as you are because it will all pay off in the end

That's the other bloody thing. He is like a sodding elephant. His memory is golden. And he will no doubt tell my Mum and my husband I wasn't kind to him. Make me feel even worse that 6 hours + onwards he is still on about it.

I see you have my nearly 4-year-old. Strong sense of outrage and entitlement and will play us off against each other.

If your mum and husband don’t respond with ‘it sounds like your behaviour didn’t deserve kind words’ or ‘it sounds like mummy tried kind words and you were still naughty’ they are really letting you and your son down.

Why should you use 'kind words' when he is disrespecting you so blatantly

Because she is the adult. Because she is trying to teach him how to be a nice human.

School wont be concerned - you rang to check on him so clearly you care!

Other parents weren't concerned - two of them tried to make you feel better by saying their kids are the same.

You seem to think your child is the only one stepping out of line. It is normal behaviour!
Either you ds has been an absolute angel up until now and you've never had to deal with him in public or you aren't feeling as confident as you should and need to be kinder to yourself.

Parents see the worst of their childs behaviour because children feel safe enough to test the boundaries with them - it's not you! Stop worrying! Boys change a lot at this age. It wont be the last time you have to awkwardly discipline him in public but those who've been there are sympathetic! Dont let it ruin your day.

I too was waiting for the part where you admitted you shouted at him or hit him.

You didn't do anything wrong OP.

Because she is the adult. Because she is trying to teach him how to be a nice human.

Which is fine. But if a five year old defines ‘kind words’ as ‘never being told off for abysmal behaviour’ as sounds likely here, then he will need to accept that if he behaves badly and doesn’t respond to kind words, the result will be a telling off in a less kind voice. And there is no need for the parent to apologise for that.

I did shout at him - in that stern under my breath around others way.

And when he was walking away from me, i felt so urged to grab him by his coat to stop him.

I felt so angry at his disobedience.

Sounds like you handled it very well to me. He was acting out, and you told him off, sounds like he learnt from it

Honestly, this should be a non-event. You're not doing anything wrong parenting-wise and your son is a normal 5 year old. My 5 year old DD has recently taken to growling at us when we don't do what she wants.

I mean this kindly, as someone who suffers extremely badly from anxiety, might that be an issue for you too? It's just that your reaction and the amount of head space and energy this is taking up is not healthy. I recognise the catastrophising tendencies from minor incident, leaping to "I'm a shit parent". Also feeling that you're not coping the way everyone else seems to be. Maybe this is a one off and normally you don't get this spiral from a minor event? If it happens a lot though, I would speak to someone about it because there are ways to get on top of/unpick anxious thinking. The incident today - you handled it really well, it's just you can't seem to see that, even though many others on this thread have told you the same?

I believe the not listening is an age thing I was talking to someone at work about getting out the house in the morning re getting shoes / coat on ect they said they just now stand there repeating it until they do it. My friend mentioned it to me aswell and a women who served me in the shops was talking about getting hers ready for school and them messing around. All children and adults have bad days it's normal give him a hug and wipe the slate clean and enjoy the rest of your day together

Mum guilt is the worst. You are not a bad parent, it sounds like you're having a spate of bad days - which we DO all go through, I promise! It can be tough when a child behaves better for one parent over the other but it isn't a reflection on any of you. It sounds like the other parents are trying to show you that, but I totally understand that when you're the one in it, it's hard to see. Chin up, maybe try and have a calm chat about it when you pick him up but then draw a line under it together and move on.

*I did shout at him - in that stern under my breath around others way.

And when he was walking away from me, i felt so urged to grab him by his coat to stop him.

I felt so angry at his disobedience.*

None of which is wrong. This evening the conversation should be about his poor behaviour and what your expectations of his behaviour is.
I agreed with pp - you should not apologise. You were firm and set boundaries.

I'm on page 3, and have jumped ahead, as something jumped out at me - you are criticised by your mum and DH for being a nag, and you think DC will tell your mum and Dh that you had words.
I ask this gently, and with respect, why do you care? As a parent, if I choose to discipline my child, that's none of my Mum's business, and Dh would back me up 100% (in public. He may disagree with me in private, but united front at all times!!) Do you feel they undermine you?
You're a grown woman, and you're a Mum! You don't need anyone else's approval! Other playground Mums were probably thinking, 'oh thank fuck that isn't me today!' Because it will be some other day.
Anxiety is a real bastard, and it makes you doubt yourself. I wonder, as pp did, if you're ok. You don't have to answer me, but just have a think about whether you are or not. If not, there's absolutely NO SHAME in seeking help. If it's just a bad day, that's ok too.

I did shout at him - in that stern under my breath around others way.

That isn’t shouting, is it? That’s ‘stern angry mum voice’. It can be very effective when used sparingly.

I’m not a shouter and I rarely lose my temper - just not my temperament, my anger tends toward the silent fury. But Stern Angry Mum Voice - controlled, but leaving them in no doubt that they’ve crossed a major line - is a useful tool in the arsenal.

Big hugs. We've all been there.

Shocked by some of the harsh 'he was being a shit' comments. He is a child acting like a child, doing his best with a child's brain.

He loses it more with you than dad or anyone else because you are his safe haven. He can release all the pent up frustration of the day. This shows you've done a brilliant job and he is securely attached to you.

This doesn't mean it isn't hard work for you though! Be kind to yourself and cuddle your little boy.

Have you read Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Discipline book? I found that to be compassionate to both children and parents.

You do seem determined to beat yourself up, OP. You didn't shout at him. He had plenty of time to cry in your presence if he was genuinely upset. You simply correctly disciplined your child. If he was upset by that, perhaps he has learned something useful.

You did everything that a good parent should do. You stopped him bossing the other child. You called him to you to talk. You insisted he come to you. You reprimanded him when he didn't. You kissed him goodbye and sent him in to school without a fuss.

If you hadn't done any single one of those things you would not have been parenting so well. You would have been giving your ds (and the other dcs and parents) the message that he could get away with bossing other dcs and not doing what he was told. For your ds's safety and happiness keep doing exactly as you are.

I'm sure you'll see a lot worse examples of behaviour and parenting from others in the playground over the next few years. Be glad you've set the right tone.

Don't

You absolutely should apologise to him, and he should apologise to you. I don’t know why, when you want your children to settle in at school, you use a teacher as a threat to make him scared? Bizarre

Thanks all for the "head wobble" which I know if often a MN pet hate phrase.

I just hated the idea of him being upset. The cause didn't matter. It's that my boy was sad.

U am hard on him at times... and do go on, and on and on. I see myself doing it. And so get what my DM and DH mean when they say to let up on him at times.

I've decided to pick up a colouring book and crayons for him and we can sit and colour whilst i talk it over with him.

He’s being a little shit to you and only you because he can manipulate the situation and get away with it. You didn’t lose your shit. He behaved appallingly and was reprimanded. If you’re getting this upset each time he needs to be reprimanded, you’re going to have huge problems on your hands when he’s old enough to over power you.

You’re the parent, you’re the boss.

If that's losing your shit, god help my kids with what I do :D

What you've described is perfectly normal behaviour from both you and your little boy. The teachers ought to have reassured you, rather than give you that guilt trip. You're just a normal, loving mum wanting your little boy to behave nicely. He is a normal little boy wanting to push the boundaries. Don't beat yourself up - you're doing great and he will be fine. You're right to want to discipline him. Nothing to worry about! xxxxxxx

He'll probably come out all sweetness and light this afternoon, the events of this morning forgotten.

Then, when he is in a good mood, bring up his behaviour this morning in a kind way, what he did wrong and why you were cross, and what he could do better next time. You can't do much more than reprimand them in the heat of the moment and you were right to do so. Then do something fun he likes to do, just the two of you. Give him lots of praise always when he is being a good boy. Often it's easy to just get into nagging them for bad behaviour and feel like you are constantly on their backs, whereas I think carrot works a lot better than stick.