I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

"Because she is the adult. Because she is trying to teach him how to be a nice human".

In my experience the worst humans are those who were never spoken to sternly or put in their place as a child as they have no boundaries when they become older children and adults.

You oughtn't to have phrased it to the teacher as you acting badly. I don't think it sounds like you did anything unreasonable or said anything wrong. He -was- acting naughty. xx

I don't think kids of that age (or of any age really) manipulate adults with their behaviour, that suggests pre-meditation, whereas I think most bad behaviour is heat of the moment forgetting how they are supposed to behave, or being angry, cross, hungry, anxious, tired, or a cry for attention. Sometimes we give kids more attention when they are badly behaved so they do it more, to get our attention, hence why praising for good behaviour is so important.

The only thing you did wrong here was threatening to tell the teacher. It’s not fair on teachers to make them the behaviour police. You need to be the ultimate sanction not them.

Try not to let him wind you up - instead of shouting at him be very cold and calm and say something like ‘you know not to behave like that - I’ll talk to you you are polite’ and stand there quietly holding his hand until he calms down.

And as for him acting up at nights - let your DH deal with him on weight loss class nights. After the class go to the pub and have a couple of gin and slimline tonics and don’t go home until DS will be asleep. Or go swimming, whatever makes you relax. It doesn’t sound like there is much fun in your life atm. Also maybe introduce a star chart scheme where if he gets to go to bed without nonsense Monday- Thursday you do something nice after school on Friday sort of thing but ensure the reward is time spent with you and/or his dad, don’t make it material stuff.

Defiant 5 year olds - proper little sids designed to drive us mad!

Of course he told his teacher you used unkind words and he’s sad- he’s hardly going to say he was being naughty and mummy said to stand next to her is he? He’s 5, not stupid! 🤣

The itgers were supporting you, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time!

Your DH thinks you need to let up on him- easy to say when you’re not the one they play up for. Your mum also - it’s a grandparents role to be soft! They don’t have to deal with it 24/7 either!!

Your lovely & a good Mum, give yourself some credit! 😊🌷🍰(carb & calorie free cake that is!!)

But yeah, be firm with him or by the time he’s 10 you’ll have lost his respect and he’ll be out of control.

You had the first of many morning fights with your child.

He was testing you boundary, you showed him where it was.

He was acting big in front of his friends, they all do it, you didn't stand for it.

Most of all he was bossing a child and you not only spotted it, you stepped in.

If any parent saw all of that and thought you were a shit mum, their own parenting needs a look at.

I guarantee the vast majority were just glad it wasn't them.

I wouldn't normally condone bad behaviour at all but just before they walk in the door for school can be a stressful time and is the wrong time

There isn't a wrong time to parent your child.

He's being a shit and you won't deal with it.

She did deal with it.

"Awful mothers don't phone the school and ask if their 5 year olds are ok awful mothers don't give a. Shit! "

This.

Just give him a big cuddle when you say hello to him picking him up xx

I'm not being a dick. And I'm a very lovely kind tolerant parent who has no problems with discipline and have no problem teenagers even though I have 3 of them. I have never had any of them conduct themselves in such a poor manner because they were taught it would not be tolerated. They have more self respect than to let themselves down in the schoolyard by behaving so badly. Even at 5.
You teach them how to behave from day one. You don't bloody apologise because they behaved badly.

You didn't deal with it. It continued and only stopped because he had to go to class. But he didn't stop. He then went to class and continued his appalling behaviour by giving out about you to the teacher. He has no respect for you and you want to apologise to him. I have no time for wishy washy parents and you will be wondering why he flips you the bird in 10 years time.
I couldn't give a shit if people think I'm wrong. I have never had to deal with shitty behaviour so I know I'm not wrong and I know I'm a good parent.

You kissed and cuddled him goodbye. He knows he is loved. Telling the teacher you “didn’t use kind words” actually sounds hella manipulative to me. Aren’t cross words appropriate for being mean to another child and then refusing to come and speak to you quietly?

I also think @banana64 is getting some unfair flack. You said some pretty contradictory things to her OP about apologising. First you said you’d said nothing about it (you had) and didn’t intend to apologise, then you said apologising was the right thing to do. I’m also confused by what you meant there.

I think maybe you need to calm down a bit. No one is judging you badly. The other people present said only supportive things.

Oh don't beat yourself up

Every parent in that playground will
Sympathise

They can all be little shits sometimes x

Have just briefly spoken to son on the phone. He apologised for his behaviour and for shouting at me and that he had made me sad. He asked were we still friends. I said yes we were, thanked him for saying sorry and said we will speak later.

That sounds good OP.

Believe me you are not alone. All children have their moments, I distinctly remember having my own as a child...he was tired and embarrassed you picked him up on being bossy. Well done for that by the way, it's really irritating when people think their child bossing yours is endearing!

They have more self respect than to let themselves down in the schoolyard by behaving so badly.

And yet you don't have enough self-respect to resist making sweeping judgments on the basis of far too little evidence, because you think it's more important to pat yourself on the back and tell everyone how wonderful a parent you are then to extend any empathy to another parent.

What will you say to him later CJT?

Oh boujii thats funny.
I have no empathy for crap parents nope.
I have oodles of self respect. I know I'm a good parent. I work very hard at it.
And I cannot stand people who won't parent properly.
Oh you did make me chuckle.

@banana64 well done you.

@Selmababies Yes, I'm collecting him from my parents at 6.30 tonight.

And I cannot stand people who won't parent properly.

God help them if you’re teaching them how to interact with other people based on your own skills.

If it's any help (and it probably isn't), I would've (and have in the past) picked mine up and marched him back to where I wanted him to stand, the second time he refused to come to me.

Kids can be manipulative little sods and know when they're tugging on your heartstrings.

Show no weakness

Bless @cjt110 from your OP you were so far away from my definition of losing your shit.

Sounds like you handled it fine to me.

I am with banana.
Hate seeing parents cringingly apologising to their young kids for minor transgressions or forgetfulness. Kind firm clear and loving is the best approach.We all cock up at some stage but don’t ever apologise for picking them up on bad behaviour. You did the right thing op.

I was waiting for the "losing my shit" moment - and it just did not come! I don't think you have done anything wrong. You need to speak to your son and make sure he understands that bossing the other kids around is not allowed. And that IF you call him to come and stand with you, as his mother he does what he is told. For all he knew, you were going to give him a chocolate biscuit - and if he cannot do as he is told in public, then maybe suggest he stays at home next time you go somewhere nice as he cannot be trusted to behave. Not doing as you are told is not optional. Not when you are 5. He is challenging you and right now, winning - as you want to apologise, you cuddled him, the school cuddled him, and he feels on top of the world!

We all have days like that, honest. You're a good mum. If you weren't then you wouldnt care enough to pull him up on bad behaviour, nor phone up the school to check on him. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

Also I am quite strict too and have also never had to deal with shit behaviour because my kids are well behaved and polite to me because they would never bloody dare be otherwise