I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

Thanks all or your posts. I just felt awful. Suppose i still do but I was doing the correct thing in telling him off.

To me, what stands out from your posts is that you don't feel supported by your DH and MIL. Would they agree to go to family therapy with you? You aren't all parenting as a team. Your DC should not be able to run to them and tell tales, and have them tell you off.

I say sorry when I make my kid cry. Hopefully he won't turn out to be a thundering asshole like some others clearly have....

Husband says to him "You've been good all day don't act up now" and it feels like it's always me he misbehaves for

Oh i feel you! It felt like that to me so I'll say to you what sensible people said to me, OP: he feels comfortable with you and able to test boundaries. They used to say this too: it's the best parents who seem to worry that they are the worst and always second guessing themselves.

You sound lovely and you didn't seem to lose your shit at all. And if he does say to your mum and husband that you didn't use kind words, he is old enough for you to say "and you weren't kind to me".

It doesn’t sound that bad! Although don’t use the teacher as a threat, he needs to respect you and the teacher doesn’t need to come into it, their relationship is a different entity.

Yes. And yours isnt working.
He's being a shit and you won't deal with it.

Well, you don't sound like you're a particularly great adult, so I'm pretty much doubting your parenting skills tbh. Calling a kid 'a shit'? Nice.

Yes I agree with him feeling secure with you so playing up. My dcs act differently with ex-dh than me because they know they can be themselves with me and I will always be there. Wheras with him they are not as secure and dont know if they are his priority this week or if his girlfriend/dog/work is his concern.

I take this as a compliment though wish they appeared as concerned for my feelings as they do for his and you should too.

Easier said than done I know!

I say sorry when I make my kid cry. Hopefully he won't turn out to be a thundering asshole like some others clearly have

I think there's a difference between making a child cry, and a child crying in order to manipulate others. It does seem significant that, in OP's case, her son doesn't seem to have cried at any point when he was with her.

I haven't read TFT OP, I got as far as page 3. This might be a big leap, but i do think you need to go and talk to somebody, not because of his behaviour, but because of the way you reacted after and as you keep saying everything feels like a struggle and you are alone. I remember feeling like that just after I had my DD.
Also I am the only mum in the school playground who ever has to shout at their child, my DD is very stubborn and argumentative, I always seem to have to bellow her name across the playground to get her to come over to me. The only difference is my DD is the same at home. Everyday I wake up and say I won't shout to day, I will be a good patient mum and everyday within the hour sometimes even within 5 minutes she has pushed every button and I snap. You really are not alone and you are only human, we are not all perfect.
In regards to him playing up for you, it is because you are his safe space and he knows that no matter what he does, or how angry you get you will still love him. He is pushing boundaries and sometimes in order to let them know they have hot that boundary you have to shout.
Don't apologise to him, but if it makes you feel better have a talk to him and ask him if he understands why you shouted at him this morning and what can we both do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

in OP's case, her son doesn't seem to have cried at any point when he was with her. He didn't get chance ads the doors opened almost immediately after and I shoo'ed him through the door.

I am the only mum in the school playground who ever has to shout at their child, my DD is very stubborn and argumentative, I always seem to have to bellow her name across the playground to get her to come over to me. The only difference is my DD is the same at home. Everyday I wake up and say I won't shout to day, I will be a good patient mum and everyday within the hour sometimes even within 5 minutes she has pushed every button and I snap. This is me and my son all over.

Ugh. Swivel-eyed toffs.

Oops - wrong thread! Sorry.

1. You did not lose your shit, you enforced a boundary. That's part if your job, you're his mum.

1. Your words were not unkind, whatever he says. They were firm and direct. It is not unkind to insist your child obeys you occasionally.

1. You did not make him cry. He cried because he was upset that you were enforcing a boundary. Its OK for him to be upset about that but you have nothing to apologise for.

I'm sure that your ds is already familiar with the idea that if he behaves poorly people may get cross with him and "not kind" words will be used - his teachers, his friends will teach him that. No harm in you reinforcing the message.

Everything that pigeononthegate says.

I’m sorry you feel crap today. I hope you feel better soon. But don’t worry about this incident- you did fine, and they’re ALL horrible in the autumn term of year 1. Honestly!

@cjt110 I'm going through the exact same thing with my dd, even down to the growling at me and the change in behaviour around dp (her dad). We've had a few month of really nice behaviour from her and a bit of a developmental surge but since returning to nursery (she's nearly 4) it's gone downhill. Defiance and ignoring me when I talk to her, when she does respond it's accompanied with scowls, growling, and foot stomping, and saying she won't do what I've asked. Each time is just a small minor issue between us, overall she's actually pretty well behaved, but after days and days of struggling with each interaction it gets so bloody frustrating and wears you down. I'm feeling pretty mentally exhausted be other things, and have issues with those around me not being attentive to my needs or requests so dd's behaviour just feeds into this issue and touches a nerve. Dp is incredibly busy and barely around at the moment so 95% of the time it's me dealing with her. It's exhausting and moaning at a child all day makes you feel horrible and I'm sure it's not nice to be on the receiving end of it either...

But the fact that you are worried about it shows your awareness and concern about your child. When dropping off DD at nursery I've heard other adults calling their children "fucking idiots", "numbnuts", "thicko", and threatening them that they won't bother coming to pick them up to take the child home that afternoon. I've also seen adults ignoring their children, letting them hurt other children or run around in a dangerous carpark with poor visibility for drivers. One parent hit their own child on the back of their head with a lit cigarette whilst because they were looking at their phone while flicking away their fag end.
That is behaviour to be ashamed and embarrassed about, not the behaviour you described. The other parents made comments effective saying they understood your position and you should take that as a good sign, rather than feeling that you've been judged negatively.

I have no advice for you about your ds's behaviour. I've got a stack of books about how to talk to small children, gentle parenting, effective techniques to use etc...but I'm too knackered to read them. I just wanted to say it's not just you going through this, you're not alone in second guessing your parenting, hopefully we will figure out how to deal with this (and undoubtedly some new challenges will then show up!)

OP you absolutely did not "lose your shit". I thought you were going to say you'd screamed in his face or hit him!

You told him off, he didn't like it. That's okay. It's good to let children know where the boundaries are and that you mean it.

Honestly OP every parent uses their cross voice you just don't notice when the child isn't yours. Mine are 12 and 15 now and I'm still wheeling out the cross voice regularly of a morning. The only difference is I'm not trying to get them to stand near me in the playground any more I'm trying to get them to tuck shirts in, stop arguing and stay off their phones!

You're doing fine when he tells everyone you didn't use kind words tell him "but if you had done as you were told Mummy wouldn't have needed to get cross".

Hello. It took me a long time to get here but one thing I've learnt is parent for yourself and your child, not other parents.

I have done the above so many times and reacted more harshly than I would have done with no audience. I swear mine had picked up on my anxiety and their behaviour got subsequently worse. Add both your tiredness and his to the mix and you have a very explosive combination

Apparently my post came across a bit harsh. I don't mean to be hard on you op. I don't think you lost your shit at all. I just think your reaction to your ds was over the top. Your emotions after the event are totally out of proportion to the incident and your ds' feelings about it. It's normal for a told-off 5yo to cry. It's not at all necessary to phone the school to make sure they're ok, to make a post agonising on what a terrible parent you are (your parenting was fine - you made him stop bossing his friend and running off and get into school - that's ideal parenting), wanting to apologise to him and pick him up and cuddle him, it's not normal and it won't help asserting your authority which already seems to be an issue. Can you do an assertiveness course, or a parenting course - not to improve your parenting, which is fine btw, but to improve your confidence in your totally adequate parenting? Maybe the gp could look at antidepressants to temper the huge emotional overreaction to an every day incident? You can't go on tearing yourself apart every time you have a cross word with your misbehaving child; you'll end up having a breakdown and he'll end up knowing that mummy doesn't mean it when she says anything and she's naughty to tell me off and she'll apologise later. Nightmare.

I usually hate memes but this one is VERY apt to me at the moment.

DS is doing so much considering it's his first year at school (I think way too much) and some days he's just a mess.

It's harder for you than DH.. he feels safest with you. He's only little, all normal behaviour and you sound like a lovely caring mum xx

OP, what you described is not 'losing your shit'. Why should you use 'kind words' when he is disrespecting you so blatantly. Like another PP said the mum and grandma who commented were sympathising not judging you, all parents know that kids can be little horrors at times. You're not a bad mum, a bit soft if anything, but definitely not a bad mum, stop dwelling on it.

Sweetheart, if that's your worst parenting, you're doing great.

Seriously, you're knackered, your child pushes your buttons and you just reiterate the boundaries? That's good stuff.

I threatened to throw my (probably autistic) DD's favourite cardigan in the bin this morning, which meant then I had to spend another ten minutes calming her down, so I forgot to give her DB (definitely autistic) his five minute warning before we had to go. This meant he had a meltdown when I interrupted his reading and I ended up literally dragging him to school.

We were late anyway.

It's stressful enough parenting, don't add to your own stress by beating yourself up. All other parents have been there. At most, they noticed and sympathised, but I'm prepared to bet 90% of other parents in the playground were too busy either shouting at their own children, or holding their breaths and counting to ten in order not to shout.

When you feel calmer, maybe sit down and talk through the routines you have with DH or a friend to try and identify when your DS plays up. This might help you work out how to make those pressure points easier, either by putting extra time in or (if that's not an option) by talking it through with DS beforehand and working out what he needs to get through whatever the stress is.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I wouldn't see that as a criticism of you. I would see it as them being supportive and trying to reassure you that you are not alone, this happens to all parents.

You aren't a shit parent. You are a good one. A shit parent ignores their child's bad behaviour and doesn't pull them up on it. A good parent pulls them up on it and deals with it. That is what you did.

He was behaving badly and you pulled him up on it. You refused to let him show you up. Do not apologise to him or he will think that it won't matter if he does this again and again because you will always back down in the end. He will think that you do not mean what you say, and surely you do?

I'll be honest, I wouldn't even have felt remotely embarrassed at having to do what you did. I would have (and did) pull mine up sharply for bratty behaviour in public, and then just left them to process it and get on with their day. If that made me the shittiest of shit parents in the eyes of some then so be it.

Banana may have been very direct, but does have a point.

Didn't use kind words?! Where were his kind words? Don't let him manipulate you.
You will undermine yourself if you say sorry for your behaviour without acknowledging HIS poor behaviour.
You're being too hard on yourself.

OP!!!

I could have written this post, I've read a couple of pages so not all but I am exactly like you!! I have a boy who is 5 and a daughter abit older. My boy is more of a battler with me sometimes (even saying that makes me feel guilty) because he is so loving etc but I beat myself up sooooo much all the time for anything I have said bad, I don't want to turn into a sorry mum to them so they grow up weak or like I am a soft touch but I second guess myself as a parent non stop! The times I have cried in bed feeling that I have been a shit mum and they will grow up feeling like I was awful for telling them off!! I feel bad for rushing them into school and saying c'mon why are you not listening, hurry up etc etc and then when the chaos is over i sit in my car and feel so guilty that I am making rushy stressed kids, I look at other mums and think why are they soo calm even when they are running late and why can't I be that lovely calm mum! I feel guilty that they will think all I do is moan and shout and have no patience even though I love them soo much and I am not a bad mum because obviously I worry so much about this and I don't always shout etc they do get good times and it is just me personally that beats myself up. It is really hard and especially when kids are tired they just go into arsehole mode!

Just to say I feel you completely!!