I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

My dc is the same age and I’ve been having half hour arguments to get them out the door and dressed.
It’s so draining. You’re doing fine.
And I also apologise if I’ve made him sad.

Unless there was a tirade of abuse you're not telling us about, I don't think your words seem especially unkind. He sounds like a smart little boy who maaayyybe has you a bit wrapped round his finger...and maayyybe knows how to make you look bad..? (mine are experts at this, I know their game and I don't give a shit! If they want me to answer for my behaviour then they have to answer for theirs too.)

Parenting with an audience can be excrutiating. But your relationship is with your kid not them and it sounds like at least 2 people who saw what was going on offered you genuine sympathy in that they could see their kids behaving in a similar way.

You were not alone and you are not alone. I'd just try to move on from it tbh and stop beating yourself up. I might be inclined to explain to my kids if they did this that it's mummy's job to try and make sure you all don't grow up to be inconsiderate assholes and you can complain about that all you like but don't be bossy to other kids. And come when I call you!

I think that's partly why I am upset - I am not proud of snarling and shouting at him. Yes, there are times I have bellowed at him but it's very rare. I mean the bad guy booming voice coming out.

Usually he is behaved. I can ask, maybe sometimes more than once but he will do as I ask.

I am just really struggling right now.

I could cry myself tbh.

God that's nothing, don't give it another thought. You were firm and fair. He was sad because he was told off for being unkind, them's the breaks when you scream at your mum.

You'll get him today and give him a big cuddle, everything will be fine.

@banana64 you don’t exactly sound like a dignified parent yourself.

OP you were fine, don’t overthink. Tomorrow is a new day- draw a line under it.

Please stop over dramatising this, if this is a big deal he's obviously generally a very well behaved boy. You don't need to talk with him later as it was dealt with at the time. Just move on, or a quick chat to say next time I expect you to do as your asked or you'll lose your iPad for the day (or whatever you use) if you feel it was left unfinished. Please do not apologise for being a parent

I just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing fine and I also don’t think you “lost your shit”, you gave him a row. Jeez, my two would have loved that to be the best that I gave them.

I think most parents get ground down at times and at some point the guilt and self doubt hits in. I swear it should be in the bloody parenting books that are about ~ no matter what you do, you will think everyone else is doing it better.

On the days that your wee one is behaving and all is ace you don’t really think about it, but when you are tired and things are not perfect everything feels horrendous.

@darthbreakz Your post has made me cry lol.

I suppose I DO feel alone. Feel judged all the time. Even on an anonymous bloody forum.

If this is a big deal he's obviously generally a very well behaved boy. Yes it is. I rarely shout at him. Not because as some PP#s think I don't have the balls... but I don't live my life with having to shout. Yes - i probably nag more than shout. And so it has upset me.

I am tired of feeling like each day for me is a battle. And feeling it's the hardest job ever. And being told, even by your own mum and DH you should loosen up on him a bit.

Not sure why you feel judged, I think most posters are telling you that you handled it well! I understand totally about the anxiety and endless guilt that comes with being a mum. But from what you wrote you handled it very well.
Could you talk to your mum about it? Maybe she can understand and you can offload a bit of your feelings

You are doing fine OP

Give yourself a pat on the back and make a cup of tea.

I once had a friend call me because she had just argued with her child over him eating all the crisps so there was only one packet left and they ended up on the floor and he was now going to school without crisps.

He was 14.

I had to reassure her a teenage buy was quite capable of going one day without crisps.

I just feel shit because of other things and feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I just want one day without feeling like a shit mother.

Tell me more funny stories... like about the 14 year old and the crisps. I ugly cry but it looks better when I laugh ugly cry

Oh please don't worry about this op. You are definitely not a shit mum because you stepped up when your child misbehaved.

It does make it really embarrassing when other mothers are watching though so I really sympathise! I remember once at the end of a school fete and my dd (about the same age as your son at the time) had climbed on to the empty stage and kept running around doing pirouettes and circles giddy-style and wouldn't get off when asked in front of everyone! It was really unlike her as she was usually well behaved so it took me by surprise. I tried kind, I tried stern, I tried pretend leaving and nothing worked! I was cringing inside as everyone was watching and waiting to clear stuff, and DD just thought it was a huge joke . Having tried chasing her (oh the humiliation) in the end I just had to stand there like a lemon for ages until she came of her own accord (but needless to say we did have firm talks about it afterwards and before the next similar event!). Just to reassure you, she didn't turn out too badly in the end and is always well behaved at school (a bit more rebellious at home) as a teen nowadays! Remember that they all go through phases and wise parents know that "there but for the Grace of God etc" ... .

Have a and put it behind you. Tomorrow is another day! And just remind your son before school tomorrow and for a few days about always coming over to you when called and about the reasons why (safety etc) and reward him with loads of praise when he does. Good luck

I'm wondering if you're a little soft with him usually hence him misbehaving for you more than your DH - what you described as you losing your shit is an everyday telling off imo, and pretty calm and controlled.

You certainly don't sound like a bad mum to me. Do you get anxious about confrontation with people even if you're in the right? I do. I was ruminating for ages when out for breakfast last week worried I'd been rude just because I very politely asked for replacement baked beans as the ones they served me were stone cold!

Get yourself a copy of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7, OP.

You can find it on Amazon and eBay for little cost and its worth it's weight in gold.

Do you get anxious about confrontation with people even if you're in the right? I do. Even if I am 100% on the dot right.

I hate confrontation. In any way.

I am soft on him I guess because I don't like confrontation.

OP I know I've commented up thread but reading other replies has got me thinking of the monumental tantrums mine have had in the past, oldest is a teen now but I remember him screaming "you are hurting meeeeeee" I most definitely was not as I manhandled him around Morrison's like a rugby ball.

I bet he will have forgotten all about it by the time he comes out of school

@Casander That's the other bloody thing. He is like a sodding elephant. His memory is golden. And he will no doubt tell my Mum and my husband I wasn't kind to him. Make me feel even worse that 6 hours + onwards he is still on about it.

I am going to eat cake.

He acts up for you OP because you're the person he feels safest with. He knows he can let it all out with you and you'll still love him. That's why his behaviour is worst with you :) It feels shitty I know, but it's because you make him feel safe.

You handled it well. Be kind to yourself!

Can I very gently ask if you are ok? No need to respond here if you don’t want to, but you sound exhausted and low. Maybe worth seeing your GP for a chat if you’re feeling like this more than just a bit.

@chinateapot I don't know right now. I am suffering with my health and feel physcially shit. And this morning feels like it just pushed me, mentally, over the edge. GP won't do much more than they already have.

He knows he can let it all out with you and you'll still love him. That's why his behaviour is worst with you

THIS in spades.

My children's friends are all little angels. They have friends round all the time and they're all so sweet and well-behaved.

Their parents assure me that they're not at all like that at home!

If its any consolation, we went through this stage with DS at the same age - a favourite sticking point was refusing to get dressed for school. One morning I'd had enough, shoved him in the back of the car in his pyjamas with his school uniform and shoes and told him whatever he was wearing when we arrived at school (about a 4 minute drive away) was what he'd be wearing for the day. I'd never seen him get dressed so quickly (and he never tried that again).

You were not unkind to him at all OP. You dealt with his bad behaviour as a parent should. You should not apologise to him because you have done nothing wrong and you haven't been unkind. You did not make him sad the consequences of his bad behaviour made him sad. That is what he needs to learn