I lost my shit this morning... embarrassed and feel really shit

[cjt110]

and now feel like an awful, arsehole of a parent.

DS (5) was awake in the night with a nightmare. Which means I also was awake and didn't get back to sleep.

Drop off at school - he went into the playground fine. Playing with his friends. Then we headed over to where he goes in.

I heard him boss his friend about and told him off. A few parents were around at this point and i said something like "Leave F alone - he will do it in his own time" and asked DS to come and stand with me. He refused. I asked again so as to try and get him away from F. He refused again.

He then begun to walk off and i walked towards him and asked him to come to me because I wanted to talk to him. HE shouted at me that he would not and if i said to come to me again he wouldn't. That he would only do it if I didn't ask him. Fair few parents around the entrance at this point and I felt embarrassed that I can't even get my own 5 year old to come to me.

I walked tiowards him and told him that he was being naughty and i wanted him to come and stand with me because i wanted to talk to him. He stomped over, growled/screamed in anger at me. I said to him, in an angry tone he was not to do that and that I would tell his teacher about his behaviour. He then started ti beg me not to tell his teacher.

The doors opened. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and he very solemnly went in.

It's been playing on my mind as we have had upset quote a few times on him going in (him saying he misses me) since he started Year 1.

I've just rung school and they said he did go in upset. Told the teacher he had had a falling out with me and i hadn't used kind words and that he was sad. He had some cuddles and TLC and was now OK.

Sounds silly I;m sure but I am SO embarrassed and also concerned they'll think I'm an awful mother and the previous upsets have been my fault too.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry. I feel really shit.

A mum commeneted "At least it's not just my child that can be like that" and a grandma I know said "Whats wrong with all these kids today - have they had a dose of nasty today?"

I feel so fucking upset that I lost my temper but I don't know how else i could get him to listen. I suppose beig watched by other oarents made me feel i HAD to act.

Fuck

Honestly don't worry about this, I've done similar so many times. Sometimes when I look back I think when I'm tired and grumpy I almost back myself into a corner and make a situation worse as I've no patience (not saying you did that here). Eg expecting the kids to leave the park asap and getting increasingly frustrated when they take ages. I'd try to move on and spend some time tonight with your DS to have some quiet time together.

You know all those other Mums and Dads in the Playground?

You know they all think they are terrible parents too? All except the ones who believe they are excellent parents - they’re mostly the ones who are a bit shit.

The only days that are worse than dropping a child off before work, are the days when you need to be in on time for a really important meeting or have a train to catch. That’s the day your DC will throw a monster tantrum, fall over in a muddy puddle or forget their swimming kit.

It’s OK to tell your child off when they play up. Actually, it’s important that you do.

My advice is to remember the kindness of the Mother and Grandmother who spoke to you and pay it forward. There will be plenty of opportunities. Trust me.

I honestly can't see anything wrong with what you did 🤷‍♀️

I must admit that at the time, I didn't appreciate the comments but in hindsight can see they were being kind.

Shrug it off.. you felt you didn't handle it as well as you could, but you've looked at it and thought about where you could improve it. That's a good thing. Don't be embarassed, you are doing the best you can..tomorrow is another day.
One thing that may or may not work is next time.. call him over to yu and speak to him quietly about behaviour at eye level and away from others. he might have kicked off because he felt everyone was looking at him. Or call him over to talk about something else to break up the scenario, keep him with you until its time to go in.. and then talk to him about it when you are on your own with him.. it might sink in more then...But really it's trial and error and it sounds like you are doing your best after sleepless nights. Don't worry so much xx

I’m divided. On the one hand I can sense your desperation coming through in your updates OP and I really feel for you. This shit is hard!
On the other hand I think you need to let this child know who’s in charge here otherwise you’ve got a world of pain coming your way.
Try your best to chalk up this morning. I also wouldn’t apologise but I would talk to your son about what happened. I often go back over something with my DD4 after it happened (when we are both calm) to talk through why it happened and how it made me feel. I’ve also explained to her that it is very important that we get to school on time and why - hence why I may be super stressed in the morning compared to other times.
I’m also another one who times the school run so we get in just as the classroom door opens to avoid the whole ‘running around the playground like an excited hyena’ scenario.
Go easy on yourself. The reaction of the other parents around you tells us you were not being unreasonable.

I know it sounds weird but I am sure its because of the weather half the time - when its windy they get arsey. It was really noticeable when I used to take my DD into primary that on windy days they were all a bt more wild!!!

That's you losing your shit? Crikey OP yesterday afternoon I told my 5 year old (in my scary mummy is about to explode voice) that if she didn't stop screaming and get in the car I would throw her toys out and cancel swimming lessons (she had been having a screaming melt down for 25 minutes in a swimming pool changing room and car park and I had three children under 5 with me including her 10 week old brother). That's me losing my shit. Had I not been pushing the pushchair I would have physically pulled her across the car park and plonked her screaming arse in her car seat myself.

You sound much less reactive and stressed than myself and a lot of other mums I know. Perhaps your DS needs a firm reminder on what's acceptable to do and say in the playground and to you but cut yourself a break, all parents are in the same boat when it comes to kiddy behaviour, it catches us all out eventually.

Nasty post ISmellBabies. OP is clearly struggling, yet you couldn't find it in yourself to have any compassion.

His behaviour doesn't sound that bad for 5, and your reaction doesn't either.

I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. When you pick him up, tell him you are sorry that your words weren't kind and that you love him very much. However you can't let him behave like that because it isn't kind to his friends. That you need to know that he will listen to you so that you can trust him when you're out and about.

The other parents were definitely being kind, just demonstrating that they all have the same problems sometimes

I think it’s just a testing phase. My daughter who has just started reception too is coming home with an awful attitude and if I tell her off she just says ‘you don’t like me anymore’ as some sort of get out of jail free card.

After 2 weeks of this and me hitting a brick wall with my patience for it the other day (her shouting at me, telling me she doesn’t like me, raising her voice at her little brother and just generally being a disgrace) I snapped and told her that no, I didn’t like her. She ran off crying.

I shouldn’t have done it, but it definitely taught her the lesson of now it’s not nice to be unkind.

(Of course I have since explained that of course I love and like her and always will etc).

Sometimes I think you need to snap with them to make them realise that their behaviour is not ok.

Don't beat yourself up OP.

My DD acts like an angel out and about so much so other parents comment on her behaviour. They don't see what she's like at home and the tantrums, moodiness and talking back from her.

Tiredness is beginning to set in (my dd is looking forward to having Monday off as her school breaks up some of the holidays to allow for a break every so often for the kids - we're in Ireland so they can mix up their holidays!).

Give yourself a break. I find they act up for one parent in particular and like you, it's me. You feel you're always saying 'please don't do this and that, stop that'.

When pregnant on my other dd, my dd was a nightmare and constantly tantrumming so much so I spoke to her preschool and they helped out with charts etc.

You are not a shit mum. You're a caring mum who's trying to parent their child. You are noticing things that could become problematic down the line and trying to nip it in the bud. Keep your chin up and when you collect him, all will be fine

'Naughty', 'little shit', 'manipulative'?

He's five.

Some of you sound like pretty nasty and shitty parents if I'm honest.

Not you op.

Really, I think you're giving this all far too much headspace. He was being a little shit and totally deserved to be called out on it, and as far as I can see you did this in an appropriate manner.
Him then telling his teacher that you hadn't been kind is a continuation of fairly typical children's manipulative behaviour in the form of playing one adult off against the other.........they all do it at times, particularly when they're in bother for bad behaviour .
From the sound of it , and I'm not having a go, I think you are probably a bit of a soft touch, with the result that you are suffering the brunt of the bad behaviour/showing off in front of his pals.
Try to toughen up up a bit- he'll still love you if you give him a row for bad behaviour, and a wee bit more confidence in yourself , you're doing fine !

About a year ago I truly lost my shit with ds. He was 5 too.

I'd had some huge shock event happen in my life and was in a bad way. DH was away and I was having to cope with a ton on my own. He refused to get in the car and I just lost it and shouted 'just get in the mother fucking goddamn car!' and started sobbing.

Just happened to be in front of the local vicar who is also the mother of a 5 year old and the most perfect parent ever. And obviously frowns heavily on swearing and blaspheming.

I lived. (Although we haven't been invited round for Saturday tea and scones since ).

I would not mention tbh.
If ds does reiterate to him how not to behave or he may do it again.
And you are not a bad mother for having ago you did the right thing.

I jut want t go and get him from school and give him a cuddle and say I'm sorry

Why? You have nothing to be sorry for. He misbehaved, you told him off and made him behave. That's your job as a parent. If you'd allowed him to carry on bossing the other child around and ignoring you, he'd have learned a very bad lesson, and then you would have something to apologise for.

IMO other DP judge those who ignore their DC’s bad behaviour. Sounds like you dealt with it effectively and appropriately (and didn’t ‘lose your sh*t’).

No reason to feel bad, and it sounds like the other parents there were sympathetic.

*I hate confrontation. In any way.

I am soft on him I guess because I don't like confrontation.*

You're making a rod for you're own back, I fear.
5 year olds (and kids in general) need boundaries and certainly need to be confronted when their behaviour is unacceptable. This doesn't mean you have to shout at your DS (although most of us parents have done so from time to time) but they do need to know there are consequences for misbehaving.
I don't think you should feel bad about disciplining your child this morning- it's just normal parenting really.
However, please don't tell him this afternoon that you're sorry. Instead, give him a cuddle, tell him you love him, but tell him straight away that you were unhappy about his behaviour this morning and you expect him to behave better. Tell him there is a consequence and that he won't be watching TV today, or going to the park, or whatever it is that he normally enjoys doing. And make sure you follow it through!
You don't have to feel bad about discipling your child and teaching them how to behave, and to respond positively when you ask something of them.
Although @banana64Banana maybe comes across as a little too aggressive, I also think that the message she/he is trying to convey is a good one.

I know the mantra is to label the behaviour and not the child, but I find it’s a useful release valve to be able to admit to yourself when your DC have behaved like little shits.

Then you can reflect on how you got into the situation and think about making changes.

From what youve explained it doesn’t sound like you ‘lost your shit’ . It just sounds like you are tired and frustrated that ds wasn’t doing as he was told. When he comes home apologise for shouting at him but explain that he needs to listen to what’s being asked of him and if he done as he was asked then you wouldn’t ha have needed to raise your voice.

Don’t feel down about it, we all shout at times!

OP, what's happened here is that your child was overtired and grouchy and behaved badly. You told him off and got a bit cross. He was upset about that, because he's overtired and because both of you are quite sensitive people (which is not a bad thing!)

I don't think you did anything wrong by calling school either, he is still very little and new to school and his teacher will be quite used to parents being anxious about an upset child.

You are very anxious, aren't you? Please don't take offence, but as a clinical anxiety and PTSD sufferer I find that my anxiety hugely informs my reactions to stressful situations. I chew over my own words and actions for hours and it's torture. I had a violent, cold childhood, so parenting and conflict with my children presses every button. There is very good help available for anxiety and trauma if you think it might be useful to you.

By the way, he targets you in particular because you are his primary attachment and his safe person. It's exhausting, but normal. My 17yo still does it and I've had to learn to tell myself it's because we're so close!

Why does it matter if he tells your husband and mother that you were "unkind"? All you need to do is remind him in detail of what led up to it. In fact, I would use that as a golden opportunity to get him to say sorry and talk about why his behaviour wasn't acceptable.

Nothing wrong with wanting to say sorry for making a child cry.. Even if they were in the wrong.

I think there is, really. Otherwise you will be teaching your child that, no matter how badly he behaves, you will stop telling him off and start apologising as soon as he turns on the tears.

@banana64 why don't you try this new fun thing called 'not being a dick'? I think you'll like it.

OP, it doesn't sound at all like you're a terrible parent, or that anyone will think you are. Your son sounds overtired and had a strop which I think you dealt with really well. I'm sure the others who saw would have thought the same. Try not to let this plague your thoughts (and remember you are tired too which will make things feel so much worse!).