DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

Stonewalling is not a communication problem. It's punishment for daring to speak up. As other posters confirm these men only ever get worse.

In his eyes you are stepping out of line each time you dare to complain or become upset about something. You really only have two options.

1/ Don't complain ever again.
2/ Leave.

I also think he was feeding you a load of crap about the childhood issues. Stonewalling is a recognised abuse tactic and it's caused by being an abuser.

I don't see this relationship salvagable unless you do what he wants.

OP - l think you need to come to the realisation that this is how it will always be.

If that's not what you want and you do want to leave, then let us on here help you

So what is your housing situation? Any children involved?

While I understand that you have had enough of him ignoring you after an argument you are currently doing the same to him. What's the point? If you'renot willing to put up with it and he's not willing to change then leave.

My dh is a bit like this. He can be a stubborn bastard. Actually less stubborn since I have learnt to handle him better. What I have learnt is that he often doesn’t get the emotions I display and I confuse him so he keeps his distance.

His father has a lot of autistic traits and the family always whispered about handling him (so as not to upset him with in particular situations). And off the Richter scale stubborn. As dh gets older I see some of the traits in him to a lesser extent but unlike fil, who could be a hermit, dh is very sociable.

Dh and I used to have some awful awful fights, ignoring each other etc. These days, I don’t let get dhs ways get to me as much. I know he loves me. I’m disabled and chronically ill and he has been brilliant and a very good dad. We also connect and talk about politics and dd and now that I know how to handle him better and ignore as much as I can about what I don’t like.

As for not doing what was agreed, I know it’s not personal or because it isn’t important. It’s just it registers at the time and he genuinely doesn’t remember. The key is he has to write stuff down in his diary otherwise it doesn’t register. Even if you’ve said it 20 times you may as well have not said it..... He walks round with with a bit to write everything down. It’s just how his brain works and I get it now.

I think therefore a lot of our arguments used to be because he’d agree to x, y and z then fight, I’d be upset, think he should apologise, he’d stonewall me and we’d never move forward. I’ve learnt to just get on with some stuff. I don’t consult him for a lot of things. It’s simply no point.

When we had a child psychologist in because dd wasn’t coping with an ill mummy, she described dh as permanently hiding because he couldn’t deal with things. That made a lot of sense. And her input helped dh to understand his role as a parent and husband better I think.

All in all I’m very glad Dh and I have stayed together. I would have no interest in being with another man tbh. But you’re not ill I assume, have no family ties. So I’d really have to think if this is what you want to have for the rest of your life.

I’m not suggesting that your dp is autistic btw. And whether my dh is autistic or not or just picked up tendencies, I cannot say but if it does, it’s mild high functioning autism.

How you have described your relationship could be very much how I could have described things at times 20 years ago. And I can imagine I’d get the he’s abusive message. All I can say is dh isn’t / wasn’t intentionally abusive.

Idk if this is how your dp is. Or if he’s abusive though. It can be hard work being with someone like this in any case.

Part of the problem is that, from his point of view, the current setup is working perfectly well; as he sees it, disputes go away if he ignores them for long enough.
As has been said before, beware the light at the end of the tunnel - it might just be an oncoming train.

I asked whether he has these problems at work because it's relevant to the question of how far he can control this conduct. I suspect he doesn't, because no employer would put up with it.

Either way, you obviously need to resolve this; otherwise you will either never speak to him again, or you will crack and do so and he will think he's "won". That therefore means that in effect you have to give him an ultimatum and mean it: either he responds to you sensibly and like an adult, or he leaves. Are you ready to do that?

Maybe it's just my age - my patience has dwindled with the passing years :) - but I can't see why you would want to be with someone at all if you can't manage even the very basics of communication?

The upshot will be that you suffer from anxiety as having to constantly bottle up anger and disappointment will cause this

This IS abuse, he COULD change if he wanted to. He doesn’t.

He won’t ever change because it gets him what he wants

Bin him. Today. Not even tomorrow, this very day.

Don’t put up with this please, you deserve so much better than this.

Hi OP

It looks like you've tried every tactic possible. Would he go to joint counselling? Could you go yourself? This may help untangle things in your head.

Given all that you've tried though I don't think there is much else you can do. Either ignore it and get on with things yourself, or leave, as I don't really think it is a relationship when neither of you can talk about anything serious, ever, it's a casual acquaintance

Drop him like a hot cake. Why bother wasting any more of your life on this waste man? You could be having a really nice life with a man who treats you as you deserve to be treated. You get what you accept in life. Walk away now

Ltb seriously

OMG just get rid. I knew a couple like this. They could go for six months without speaking. The woman died at a relatively early age and her whole family still say the stress contributed to her illness and they thought she was relieved to be getting away from him. I feel haunted by that when I think of it and it was one of the pushes that helped me leave my ex H.

So if you try to say something he doesn't like, he basically sulks, ignores you and wants the problem to be swept under the carpet.

Don't put yourself through it - walk away.

If he's not changed by now....

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being stonewalled over trivial matters let alone more serious matters that surely do and will come up over a lifetime together?

My DH and I had some work to do on our communication over the years, which we resolved (DH had a bad learned habits of name-calling; dragged up completely irrelevant points when losing an argument to deflect attention away from himself; and shouted louder to make himself feel "righter" ); I was like a dog with a bone when annoyed about something left unresolved when it would have been far better to agree to take a break and try again once we'd calmed down a bit. But after much reiteration of and discussion about respectful ways of arguing, or "exchanging of views" as we now like to call it ; we have left those poor communication habits long behind so change is possible.

But stonewalling leaves you with not a lot to work on. Even arguments still show the people involved have a desire to communicate (badly, and obviously not including physically violent or deeply unpleasant arguments in that). Stonewalling is seated in control and punishment IMHO. (and arrogance too).

So sad. He's getting worse instead of better. Only he knows, if he does, why this is so hard for him. I think you've done all you can here. He needs a shock like you walking out for a few days or an ultimatum I think. Even then I don't think it's going to change.

Look you have a choice OP. Either accept him the way he is and rub along never discussing anything or leave and find someone else who can talk like an adult. The more you stay with him the longer it'll take to find a healthy relationship, this is damaging you.

His issues are ingrained, he will NEVER change. Accept or move on, there is no Inbetween.

Christ almighty. Is this really how you want to live your life?

Being alone is preferable to being with an uncommunicative man baby who can't handle a simple conversation. Trust me - he will never change. He will only get worse.

He's an adult. No matter what happened in his childhood, he's responsible for dealing with it. It's not your problem to deal with.

I'd move on. He's emotionally abusing you. You will be happier without him. You can't fix him - only he can do that. The way he is behaving to you will kill all your love for him and kill all your confidene ands self respect too. Get out before that happens.

Get rid of this controlling bullying Dick OP.

but they think scrolling through Reddit is more important than looking up from their phone and talking and being present.

He doesn't think that at all. You really need to see that he enjoys doing something as unimportant and insulting as scrolling on his phone while you're tearing your hair out trying to get him to respond to you.

He's enjoying it.

He's enjoying it.

He's enjoying it.

He's enjoying it.

I know it might seem like I'm just as bad as him for not going to him and talking to him and resuming 'business as usual', but the difference between him and I, is that if he came to me and went 'can we speak about what happened on Monday?' I'd happily oblige. I'd sit and listen to him, I understand him, I'd take on board anything he had to say. The flip side is if I go to him and ask if we can talk about the conversation I tried to have with him, he'd just shut me down again, tell me to leave him alone. So while it may be petty that I'm not asking him how his working day was or discussing a Netflix series with him, I feel I'm within my rights to stand my ground and not let him walk all over in me terms of just burying the issue and me going back to being nice as pie.

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken my bf is exactly like this! He can blank me for days over something so small it really annoys me. Following for advice also x

Oh my goodness, I know exactly what you are experiencing and it's bloody awful to be on the receiving end of it. My DH was like this, and it really was due to his upbringing (father didn't want anything to do with him, mum emotionally abusive narcissist, packed him off to boarding school aged 7). No wonder he couldn't express himself. Like you, I tried everything, I was gentle, and then I'd end up raging. It was driving me mad and I felt like he had all the power. We had DS1 at the time, and what snapped for me was when he walked past DS1 who reached up for a hug and he blanked him. The next day I told him we were done, I said I wouldn't live like that anymore and I'd rather be alone than allow my son to grow up walking on eggshells like I was doing, just waiting for the next 'sulk' and never knowing what would cause it.

My DH was absolutely dumbfounded, he'd lived like that his whole life, that's how his mother treated him and it took me leaving to show him that he needed to break the cycle.

It worked. We've been married 12 years now and have a DS2. I can still see flickers of the behaviour, but I can also see him battling it and he WILL talk now. He knows if he goes back to acting that way then we're done. He really does see it, and quite often (although it was 7 years ago that it all came to a head) says he can't believe I put up with him, and that he knows he made my life hell and he'll never forgive himself for it.

Your DP has to see the problem though, before he will fix it. Maybe it is unintentional cruelty (Like it was in my DH's case) or maybe he's just a controlling bastard.

I have to be honest, if we hadn't had DS1 I wouldn't have gone back. I would have walked away for good. I know the heartache it causes, and given that you aren't married and don't have kids, and have already tried counselling, I think I would walk away.