DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

[TheABC]

To echo the others upthread, a relationship should not be this hard.

If you can't communicate, feel respected or listened to, the love will die. Do you really want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life?

[Juells]

Hit post by mistake. What I wanted to say is that you think he's distracted and ignoring you, but it's the exact opposite. He's completely keyed in to what's going on, he's identified what is the most insulting and demeaning thing he can do, while you lay your heart on the line. Don't give him that power over you.

[Secretbadlife]

This has just made me realise that this what my dh does to me! (didn't realise it was called stonewalling) He puts his head in his hands with an act of being in despair if I say something he doesn't like. It's horrible. He hates not getting his own way and acts like he's single regarding finances eg earns more than me so his decision what happens with it. I find him immature and its a real turn off. He sometimes throws things when he gets annoyed (shoes across s the room etc that type of thing) He's controlling. well he tries to be and its exhausting fighting it tbh. Unbeknown to him I'm in the process of looking for a job that will enable me to get a mortgage and leave. Had enough. Spent too long here. He's actually got worse. Only saying as I can't see your situation getting better. At times I have doubted myself and as soon as I think about it later I think 'hang on' it's not me it's him that's being totally unreasonable. There is no logic in his thinking he turns it around and my self esteem has taken a fair bit of bashing but I'm strong enough to realise what a complete arse hole he really is. I breathe a sigh of relief when he's not around. My arse hole also gaslight but I no longer rise to it. Gets me so riled that I get annoyed and then calls me psycho. After reading about gaslighting on mn I stay calm it drives him up the wall. Mn has helped me realise what's going on as I can't speak to any of my friends as they all have supposedly perfect relationships although sometimes they betray themselves. I don't say anything about mine but don't pretend it's perfect. It's worth listening to advice on here. There are some very wise women on here (, sorry men!). At the present time I'd suggest you go out n your own to the cinema straight after work and don't tell him. If that fills you with fear as to how he will react then you have your answer as to how you feel you stand in your relationship and if that's no sense of freedom then you know what you need to consider doing. Life's too short to be spent in misery. Sorry for the long post.

[73Sunglasslover]

It sounds like you are both doing things to control the other - he's refusing to talk about Monday, You're refusing to talk about anything except Monday. You are both hoping, perhaps, that your actions will change the other's stance. You are waiting for an apology. Is he too? You do say you shouted at him.

What happened on Monday and what sort of resolution are you looking for? Is is something that genuinely needs talking through more or is it that you don't like his opinions and want them to be different? Does he have any plan for how you might 'resolve' things? If you feel this relationships is still worth investing in have you tried to have counselling together?

[NearlyGranny]

I used to be told I brought things up at the 'wrong' time for discussion. The wrong time was first thing in the morning, last thing at night, when we were just going to eat, when we'd just eaten, while he was cooking me such a nice tea, on the weekend, on a walk, in the car, on holiday, on a work day... You get the picture.

It took me a surprisingly long time to work out that I was being 'blocked' and there were issues he just didn't want to talk about, ever.

I told him I thought there must have been a 'right' time once: perhaps between 3.12 and 3.17pm on a Thursday afternoon in May 1997 and I'd missed it!

He also did that leave it and pretend everything's OK again thing. His cycle was three days of sulky silence, then he'd bounce in cheerily and be all hurt if I raised issue X. "Are you still upset about THAT? You need to learn to let go. You bear a grudge too long. You're spoiling a nice day. Get over it. You love playing victim."

But yes, I was still stewing over issue X because it still hadn't been discussed and still nothing had been resolved and I knew it was going to happen again!

His other trick, when absolutely cornered to talk, was to pile every other issue he could think of onto the table so issue X disappeared in a crowd of,"Well, I hate the way you A. What about when you do B? You're forgetting your issue with C!" All the way through to W....

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I agree with PPs who say that he's not thinking that browsing Reddit on his phone is more important than talking to you - but he wants you to think it is. He's belittling you and your side of the argument.

[TwentyEight12]

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken

Can I ask what the nature of the subject matter or matters are that you are wanting to talk about when he shuts down please?

Can I also ask if you have ever approached him in a way where you say ‘how would you like to deal with this situation?’. Rather than, you always taking the lead on the communication front and being the one to fix or find a solution to the impasse.

I am not trying to minimise or deny that he is stonewalling you, and from first-hand experience I know how devastating it is when a person you care about deeply, responds to you as such. But, as you have only listed ‘stone-walling’ as an issue here and not other accompanying abuse tactics, the jury is still out for me at the moment.

[GoldenFlaps]

I was like you, OP, having to start conversations 'walking on eggshells'. You ask if they change but answered your own question when you said it has got progressively worse. You will end up feeling even worse than you do now.

You say his counselling helped him to see it was his bad childhood that caused him to be like this. No, he is choosing to be like this. They always find someone/something else to blame. What is he getting from behaving like this? Not having to deal with anything and having you terrified of asking him or even speaking to him.

I knew my relationship was bad but didn't want to end it, it was my normal. It's only know that I'm out of it, and with the help of Women's Aid, I can see how abused I actually was.

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Please consider contacting Women's Aid. Please try and build up some strength in yourself so you can move forward

[messolini9]

He hasn't changed in 5 years, & nothing you can do is going to change him in anither 5. Or 50.

I'm always made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong

Yes, & it will destroy your mental health.
When you are free of this abuse, you will wonder how you accepted it for so long, & be so relieved & happy to not have to live with it any more. His treatment of you is outrageous. Dump his selfish arse, & go & be happy & free!

[DareDevil223]

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken can I recommend that you read the series of threads in Relationships started by @jamaisjedors about the process realising how abusive her sulking husband was and eventually leaving him? I think you would find her experience very helpful.

[CheerfulBunny]

Yeah, sorry OP, I can relate to this. My exP used to do this and I put up with it for almost ten years. In the beginning if we disagreed he would go and lie in the dark and not speak or look at me for hours on end. I didn't know what to do and found it absolutely bewildering. Gradually it progressed to him 'sending me to Coventry' after any disagreement for days on end sometimes. I never really found any way to stop/resolve it (or his terrifying rages, which is a story for another day). I used to just tell myself I was tough enough to handle it.

The hard thing is that lots of people will tell you to end it, LTB etc. but at the end of the day, YOU have to decide when you've had enough and that will give you the strength to move on. I started to say 'I've had enough' under my breath over months and years, which progressed to me saying it quietly. It took me nine and a half years to be able to say it out loud and to his face and actually walk away for good.

[fruitbrewhaha]

Gosh OP, it sounds awful. I think you have tried your best and it's not up to you to fix him. You can't spend the rest of your life like this.

There is life after a break up, it will be tough at first but you'll be happier in the long run.

[ChuckleBuckles]

@sprouts21 has it "Stonewalling is not a communication problem. It's punishment for daring to speak up.As other posters confirm these men only ever get worse"

OP do you want to go through life with this kind of man, do you genuinely see a future where you are walking on eggshells, being with him will be fatal for your emotional and mental well being.

Maybe have a read of Lundy Bancroft description of the "water torturer" type of abuser :

"The Water Torturer’s subtle cruelty is relentless. His mastery of calmness allows him to escape the label of abuser in his own mind. Because he is an expert at the presentation of a calm exterior, he is able to convince others that you are the problem. He often uses the silent treatment or ignores his partner to cause her to explode."

[Ponzischeme]

My father was like this. Please get out now

It was awful to grow up with. Weeks on end of my mum getting the silent treatment. It has left me with lasting difficulties around confrontation.

[Smelborp]

You listed so many things you’ve tried. What has he tried?

Just Leave. He won’t change.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

My XP once ignored me for a week. I'd dared to remonstrate with him for getting into someone else's car whilst covered in mud (literally, covered, head to foot).

I was pregnant at the time and suffering from abdominal pains. So I spent that week, terrified that i might lose my baby, with my XP sulking like a child because he'd been 'told off' in front of people. THAT was more important than reassuring me.

[Ellie56]

Just reading your post made me feel exhausted. He sounds too much like hard work and yes this is emotional abuse. As PP said this is a punishment for daring to speak up.It won't get better. This is who he is.

Just because he had a shit childhood does not make it ok to treat you like shit. This is no way to live so stop wasting any more of your time trying to fix something that won't be fixed.You deserve better than him. You can do better. Believe it and walk away.

[ThirstyGhost]

It's emotional abuse and you cannot fix him. My dad is like this. My mum stayed. He never got any better. I wish she'd have left him. He's screwed me up for life in that I have a complete inability to deal with any conflict. If you have children with this man he'll fuck them up with his mood swings and his emotional abuse - because that IS what this is. A big black quietly raging cloud of a man ruining everything is how I think of my dad.

You say he's a "generally a good person". What does that even mean? What's so good about him that you put up with this? Anyway, that doesn't make it ok. If I was ok 95% of the time, but the other 5% I spent punching you in the face that utterly outweighs anything else.

There's a poster above who describes her relationship and how she stayed in spite of this behaviour. She talks about how he's a good person underneath and how she can have good conversations about politics with him, etc... You can have a friend you have that connection with. Why devote your life to some malfunctioning bastard who will never make you happy? I just don't get it.

[HazelBite]

I suffered this for a 14 month marriage. OP I feel for you, the frustration. anger and upset I felt dealing with this sort of behaviour.
It was as if everything in his world was great as long as I looked after him, kept him (financially) and didn't question him about anything!
he was a student, I was working full time and studying in the evenings, and when I suggested him getting a weekend job, I was once subjected to the silent treatment, and the phrase "this isn't up for discussion"
This was always what was said, and nothing I said, did, made the slightest difference. Op he had had a good childhood , nice loving family, he just wanted his own way, was supremely selfish, and had no respect for me and what my needs were.

I hate to say this to you but if you were that important to him, he would make an effort, you are not happy, cannot see a way out, there is no point in prolonging this.
Good luck you deserve better

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

The nature of the conversation on Monday really isn't important, as like I've said, he'll stonewall me over literally anything and everything. Could be big things, could be tiny, insignificant things that should and could be resolved with a chat lasting no more than a few minutes.

I wouldn't say that I'm controlling him by not speaking to him at the moment. He's made no attempt to come to me and speak with me - about anything; not just the current issue - so I don't see why I should go to him and either 1) re-bring up what happened on Monday only to ultimately get shot down again and told to go away, or 2) start up generic conversations with him and be completely normal, as then the issue won't get resolved at all.

I am holding out for an apology yes. He should apologise for point blank ignoring me and making me cry, not listening to me and making me feel like I'm so unimportant and that his phone is more interesting. FWIW, I wasn't full blown shouting on Monday. It was more of a raised voice while I tried desperately not to burst in to tears as I frantically tried to get him to acknowledge me whilst he looked right past me and was channel flicking.

NearlyGranny - your post is exactly what I go through. So many times I've tried talking with him about stuff only to be told the time isn't right. He's tired from work, he's full up from dinner, he doesn't want to speak on a Saturday afternoon as it'll ruin the weekend, he can't talk now as he was planning on having a bath, he wants to go to bed, he wants some time to relax, he suddenly feels like he's getting a headache. Always a reason or an excuse as to why he can't talk.

TwentyEight - yep! I've let him know there was something on my mind and asked him how he'd like me to approach it in the best way for him to handle and deal with. He usually says to message him about it. So I've tried that. I've tried sending messages. He'll either not bother to read them, or will read them but then not address them or reply, and as a result, the issue becomes entirely lost and comes back full circle to me having to bring it up again, and me being told to drop it.

I actually own a book by Lundy Bancroft - ordered it last year when I realised his counselling had had little to no effect. I sobbed my way through many of the pages before hiding the book deep in my wardrobe so DP wouldn't find it and accuse me over reacting for having info on abusive men.

I know I should leave and I do know I'm worth so much more. I'm a shell of the person I was when he met me, but for some reason, I just can't find the strength to leave. The 'what if' constantly haunts me. What if, one day, he'll be better? What if he eventually learns to appropriate way to communicate? What if I just hold on for a bit longer? Will I start being treated better then? I'm always going backwards and forwards, knowing I deserve better, but i can't take the plunge.

[CapturedFairy]

Stonewalling is classed as one of the 4 horseman of the apocalypse of a relationship, the others being criticism, contempt and defensiveness.

Here is a little video on it

It is a form of control, if you say something I do not like I will treat you this way and train you to never question anything I do or say.

As there are no children involved I would say get out of this relationship. Use the next few days to look into separating your finances, the house, etc and tell him why you are leaving.

No relationship should be this hard. Dh and I have been together 23 years, we do not walk on eggshells around each other. We can talk without it being seen as a personal attack.

[CaledonianSleeper]

Op, could you access some counselling to help you find the strength to get out? I’m shocked by what you’ve described here, I’m so used to seeing threads about abuse on MN but this one has really shocked me - you seem lovely, you’re not married to this horrible man, you have no kids - please please try to find the strength to get out of this relationship before he destroys you.

[Dacquoise]

If you can't decide whether to make the jump, can you speak to a therapist/counsellor to work through your feelings? There's probably a bit of fear in there about the future, which is understandable. Also we are wired to keep 'hoping' it will get better. That's why we hang round for too, too long. Perhaps why you are looking for happy ending experiences on here?

I should have got rid of my ex-husband a lot earlier than I did. Now that I have and believe me, it wasn't easy, I can honestly say I am a different person. All that resentment, anger and fuzziness from living with a manipulator has disappeared.

[Ladybird37]

My xh was like this and ended up not talking to me for a year before I finally left him. Funny enough, his father is exactly the same and my dad does it so I guess I thought it was normal, but it’s not. These men really think they are nice guys and you are a screaming with. I don’t know if you have children but I would urge you to think about it if not. My child father now pulls out every stop to control ds and tells him that I am ‘ill’. Thankfully - for now - we can communicate and that’s the best I can do for my child. In my experience this will never change and only get worse as they age or difficult situations arise. I feel for you, leave him while you can.

[Kaddm]

I’m sorry op, there is absolutely zero chance of him changing. This is his personality, who he is. You need to find the strength to get away otherwise your life is always going to be this ways