DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Zombie

[cbt944]

Ha! Now I've got that song in my head... I wonder if she ever left...

[VeganCow]

OP what would he do in this scenario- so, you brush this under the carpet this time, when he gets home from work you carry on as normal again, as if this didnt happen. Act like normal, offer him brew, eat together watch tv and all is back to HIS normal... then later on when he is clearly relaxed and happy you say to him 'now we are all ok and you are calm and not feeling on edge, are you up for a quick discussion' would he instantly shut down again before even listening to you? Or would he join in the convo and then there comes a point that you can pinpoint, a word or something that triggers him from chatting to walking away/going silent? Cos I would assume he converses normally to you as part of daily life, there must now be something that you know shuts him down? Just thought if this is brought up whilst not in the middle of a disagreement there may be a different outcome?

My ex would do this, walk out, not talk etc. Then if I brought his unreasonable responses up when all was ok, he WOULD accept he had been out of order and promise next time to discuss like a normal human being...until the next time. Then during it, I would revert him back to his previous apology and promise, and say 'remember that thing you said you wouldn't do, well you're doing it now' but it never worked.
I think its highly unlikely he will ever change. You could just ask him if he WANTS to change?

[Jeezoh]

That sounds utterly exhausting, having to strategise every time you need to talk to your partner about something. You need to find the strength to end this relationship, it’s emotional abuse and he KNOWS what he is doing and is choosing to continue to control what you can talk about.

[MoonJelly]

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

[freeandfierce]

I had 28 years of this often weeks of silence. One day I'd had enough and walked, been gone a year. Your post made me re-live those awful emotions this behaviour brings. Don't be me and waste you life, get out now. I guarantee you it's the start and it will ramp up. Worst period if silence for me was three months. It's cruel torture by the one person who is supposed to love, respect and protect you. Listen to your head in this one. Good luck.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Why would you stay one second more with someone who couldn't give a shit about your feelings?? This is not a new problem. Counselling hasn't worked. YOU can't change this. Your p has to want to change this, and it doesn't look like he wants to.

I'd leave. Today. Have you got anyone you can talk to or stay with? I'd collect your important papers, passport, etc., and just get out for a few days. Maybe it will shock your p into realising he may actually lose you as, at the moment, no matter how badly he behaves, you're still there, waiting for more!

You could be run over by a bus tomorrow. What regrets would you have when you arrived at the Pearly Gates??

We only have one life.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Oh shit, it's a zombie.

I hope OP managed to leave.

[CSIblonde]

It's not lack of communication skills. It's a controlling,abusive power trip. I wouldn't bother discussing anything any more . Do your own thing , if he complains well he didn't want to have a discussion so tough: & decide if you want a future like this. He has no incentive to change because you're putting up with it.

[mummmy2017]

Your not happy, that is plan to read.
No he won't ever change and do you really want this to be your life?
Do you have children?
A mortgage?
Or can you just leave.