DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

[CallmeAngelina]

So, what happens when he wants sex? He's been stonewalling you for days, but are you expected to roll over and be up for it?
And what would happen if you stone-walled him right back and refused? as I think you damn well should be doing

[OooErMissus]

I'm just in a really awful place mentally, and while the answer may seem so obvious to all of you, it's not so easy for me to come to terms with.

So stay with him then.

It's your life, not ours. If your preference is this existence, then keep on keeping on.

[morningcuppatea]

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken I have written similar posts to yours asking for the same advice. I've blamed myself and been through all the emotions you mention. In my situation though I married him and had a DC.

We are still together now and his behaviour has changed a bit over the last year. I have twice told him I wanted a divorce both times he promised the world and that he'd change and he did but he always slips back into it, I call it the silent treatment.

Generally things are good between us and day to day he tells me all the right things, he's great with DC and we have a good balance of household tasks but it has dented my self confidence.

Now mostly he snaps out of it quickly the odd times it happens and life just goes on, it still hurts but now I know that I could and would leave him if it got too much again.

Sorry I'm not sure how helpful this essay will be to you, I guess all I'm trying to say is that you may be able to get your DP to change and you may be able to learn to accept and adapt to his behaviour but it will never really go away.

[CrunchyCrumpet]

@LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken I've been thinking of you these last few days. I realise the responses on here have been mixed but the majority are overwhelmingly supportive. Please take these ones to heart, we're here whenever you want to talk and will support you in the best way we can. You've started a process, you're already stronger than you think you are When you're ready come back and let us know how you're doing

[GaraMedouar]

My exh was like your DP, and I reacted as you do. My father was the same and could sulk and blank you for days. It only ended if you apologised profusely and pretty much begged for forgiveness even if you had done nothing wrong. It was very much about control. My exh is still apparently the same as my kids tell me, but his new girlfriend deals with it a lot better. It doesn't faze her, she remains bright and cheery and treats him like a toddler, and then he snaps out of it when it gets him no attention. I have no idea how she can put up with it.
So - either you leave, which i would say is best, or you change how you react, but that's asking you to be a completely didn't person. Also, think of future children. It is horrible to have a father like that. I know.

[cheeseandpineapple]

OP, sorry that your self esteem is in tatters

Some practical questions, if you were to split up can you support yourself financially? Do you own where you live with him?

Maybe if you make a list of what steps you would take if you break up with him would that help you see that you have choices even if you don’t choose to exercise them?

That might help with your confidence.

In real life is there anyone you can go and stay with for a bit and confide in?

If you can take yourself out of the situation for a bit and try out living apart maybe that would help you see you can take those steps.

I thought what a pp wrote earlier is really interesting about how both she and her husband both felt the other is being abusive. It might be that your partner views your actions as intrusive and shuts down so he doesn’t have to deal with something he doesn’t want to confront. Or he is controlling you and only wants things on his terms. It doesn’t really matter it’s unhealthy for both of you and whatever the reason behind it, the cycle isn’t breaking.

You need to be the strong one here and take the steps to rebuild your self esteem and be happy on your own because somehow you’ve persuaded yourself that being in the situation you’re in is better than being by yourself. But you have a better chance at happiness and peace of mind in the long term if you can find ways to separate. Can you have counselling to help you take those steps?

[ChilledBee]

The impact of mandates in European countries has been assessed by the EU-funded ASSET project which found no clear link between vaccine uptake and mandatory vaccination. The report, which has been cited by the European Commission in response to questions from Members of the European Parliament states: ‘The enforcement of mandatory vaccinations does not appear to be relevant in determining childhood immunisation rate in the analysed countries. Those [countries] where a vaccination is mandatory do not usually reach better coverage than neighbour or similar countries where there is no legal obligation.’

[dontdoxmeeither]

@ChilledBee wrong thread?

[Coronawireless]

Awful. Sorry to hear that. What sort of mother does that to a child.

[Coronawireless]

I meant that for ShadowontheSun on page 14.

[Twigaletta]

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

[WINDOLENE]

Why bring it up again its obvious he doesn't want to discuss the matter further. Give and take.

[Dogwalks2]

Abuse, move on to someone you don’t have to ask mn if they are being unreasonable

[GenevaL]

He knows it’s distressing to you and yet he refuses to stop sulking because his own needs come before yours. If you were married, it would be grounds for divorce - unreasonable behaviour. You can’t keep giving somebody chances and making yourself unhappy in the process. His communication skills are utterly incompatible with having an adult relationship with you. I couldn’t respect somebody who was totally unable to deal with problems like an adult and nor should you be expected to continue putting up with this. Ultimatum time - if he’s willing to put his own inclination for a massive sulky strop before your feelings and wellbeing, then the next time he does it, it’s over. And mean it. Otherwise, he learns there’s no consequence to acting in such a disgusting way.

[TwentyViginti]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[CatSmith]

This is not a normal adult relationship. This is abuse. Leave your abuser, he will never improve.

[CutToChase]

Zombie

[1Morewineplease]

This sounds like a one way relationship.
You've had some great responses and you must take heed.
Your relationship doesn't sound great and you need to think about your own well-being now.

[SuzieQQQ]

Of course it’s emotional abuse! OP face the facts! He doesn’t give a flying fu**ck about you. If he did he wouldn’t act like this. You deserve so much more. Stop selling yourself short. You sound so patient and nice, there are loads of others out there who will treat you well.

[2020wish]

I had a partner like this for 3 years. Took 3 years and me starting a nursing degree to realise this was mental abuse. It took a lot but I left him. He destroyed my confidence and thought process when it came to relationships for a good while afterwards but thankfully I met a wonderful man who helped me see through stonewalling is normal in a healthy relationship and I have been so happy since. He will not change and u do need deserve to be abused in this way. Leave him ASAP

[2020wish]

Stonewalling isn’t normal *

[Chocaholic9]

It's interesting that you say the 1% of times things get resolved, it's on his terms.

That's exactly why he's stonewalling you. It's to control and make you feel crazy. Only you can decide if you want to live with someone who does that to you. I believe it's abuse.

[cbt944]

That's five years of your life you won't get back. Your choice how much of the rest of your life you're going to give to this prick, while you give him the benefit of the doubt and instead doubt yourself. So many women stay for 20, 25 years, it's heartbreaking. He won't improve.

[Girlzroolz]

I like the strategy of a previous poster (and yes, you’re in need of a good strategy, OP).

Text him that when he’s ready to discuss xx from Monday so it can be finalised, you’re ready to hear his contribution.

Then leave the ball in his court. Start a timer in your mind, and count the hours he doesn’t respond as concrete units of ‘lack of respect for you’, ‘lack of communication tools’ or ‘lack of hope for the future’. Count them. And start packing once they reach a point of no return for a normal person. Any normal person you know. Feel free to stop someone in the street and ask, they’ll all say less than 24 hours.

And that’s not being generous and not counting the hours/days since he started ignoring you DURING a fairly standard couples’ conversation.

For myself, if someone starts a childish game of sulking or pointedly ignoring me, they can jolly well do it with me gone. I’d be off to a friend or family member for sleepovers within hours. And I’d be telling everyone too. Like you would if you were having problems with a sulky toddler or teen. It’s called ‘natural consequences of someone’s actions’. Don’t bother keeping his secret. I bet you have been.

[Spinakker]

I watched a YouTube video the other day with the "fly lady" Marla Stewart. She pulls out topics out of a hat and gives a little talk about the subject. Last time it was "Listening". She said Listening is so important. Listening shows the other person that you RESPECT them and care what the have to say. That you HEAR them. And that eye contact is vitally important so the other person knows you are listening to them. This is all basic stuff the majority of people intuitively know. Somethings gone wrong here when someone is stonewalling.. The respect isn't there. They won't give you the respect of listening to you and looking you in the eye. I have been stonewalled in the past and I calmly told dp what "listening is and means". He tried to avoid eye contact so I moved round to be right in front of him and kept doing so every time he moved his eyes away. I said looking in the eyes shows someone respect. And I forced him to look me in the eye basically ! If your DP does actually care about you surely he will respond to this. See what he does when you do this. If he gets more angry or aggressive than your answer is there and you need to leave. If he starts to realise what he's doing and does look you in the eye then maybe this can be saved but only as I said if he is willing to listen to you and make eye contact going forward. I often now remind my dp to make eye contact with me when I'm talking to him. Even if it's every day life talk it's important to look at the person and sometimes men especially have been getting away with not looking at the person and disrespecting others in away of avoiding doing things or being available. But if they want a relationship they have to play their part.