DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

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(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

There is never any resolution with someone like this, because he holds all the power. Everything is on his terms and it's not going to change because he doesn't want an equal relationship. If you leave, he'll say he does, he's oh so sorry, he'll get counselling blah blah blah, but you know he'll revert back. I don't see a future here, unless you like not having a voice.

Another one with an XP (note the 'X') who did this.

His word was law. As long as I went along with that illusion, everything was fine, but the second I happened to mention something he disagreed with, it would start. I'd be ignored, whatever I said or did or however I tried to make up for my transgression, until he decided that it was time to speak to me again, he'd be silent.

I suspect it's how his father trained his mother into subservience. Fuck that shit.

I think he feels like whatever issue you are discussing is at an impasse and therefore there is little point in discussing it and trying to alter each other's POV. That's a valid conclusion but you can't just leave it and live like that because it will make you both unhappy. Especially where there are multiple issues.

DH and I had a situation where I was used to an "open house" policy where friends and family popped round whenever they were local without notice. DH has never had this sort of lifestyle and found it very oppressive. My view was that we actually work a lot so there is relatively few opportunities anyway. He agreed we both work a lot and found it even more important to protect our time alone at home.

It really nearly broke us up. I found it very controlling and he would often not hide how moody he was when we had company in the end. We sought counselling and the therapist explained to me that someone can be in an abusive situation without there being an abuser in the traditional sense. Sometimes a situation can be so intrusive and unbearable that you have all the responses and feelings of someone who was in a violent relationship. See, I become really defensive when DH would refer to it as "abusive".

Now, friends and family know that Wednesdays and Thursdays are not "drop in" days.

But my point was that I think both of us viewed the other's behaviour around this as "stonewalling". I genuinely had concerns DH was trying to isolate me from my family /friends and he genuinely believed I was trying to keep him uncomfortable/didn't respect his boundaries. We both had concerns the other was an abusive person when in fact,the impasse made the situation abusive for both of us. It didn't really make a difference - something had to change - but at least it told us that the person is still worth investment.

Stonewallers don't change and it's interesting when you say the 1% of resolved problems are on his terms. It's a form of control. By not talking about the issue, it doesn't get resolved and the issue carries on. I assume you only bring up issues about his behaviour? I was married to a passive aggressive and stonewaller and can understand your confusion. It took me years after my divorce to realise how insidious and controlling he was. It's also a way of looking like the nice guy to the outside world because there's no outward aggression but it's controlling aggression nevertheless. Run for the hills!

I’m 8 years into a relationship with a man who sounds very similar.

He’s never changed, in fact he’s gotten worse over the years.

I just get on with my life, we haven’t had a deep and meaningful conversation for 2 years now, I gave up trying.

He’s not an awful bloke, as long as things are kept bright and breezy, he’s great. The minute there’s a problem that needs discussion he shuts down and turns into a complete arsehole.

I did a CBT course last year for my anxiety (wasn’t anxious before I met him 🤷🏻‍♀️) I decided I’d deal with my issues rather than trying to make him change.

I’d say we’re ok, we muddle along. He gets pissed off sometimes when I won’t offer an opinion or advice when asked (always ignored anyway) or I go ahead and make decisions without him but you reap what you sow, he can’t have it all ways.

I don’t really have any advice, but I do sympathise. I doubt he’ll change but you could change the way that you react to it.

Some people are just not cut out to be in intimate relationships. You are currently with one of them.

You've done your best, made clear what you need from a partner (it's not unreasonable but pretty standard) he's even done a course without noticeable improvement: I think this would be be a good point at which to give it up as a bad job.

You say he's otherwise a good bloke, but that's like saying, it's a nice house; shame there's no roof! Or, great-looking car on the drive; pity there's nothing under the bonnet!

Don't waste any more of your life (you only get one as far as we know!) on him.

If I've understood correctly then you're also not talking to him because you feel you didn't resolve the 'issue' conversation from the first night? So he wants to carry on as normal but you want to feel heard from the earlier conversation.
I've been on both sides and actually without knowing the 'issue', I'm not sure exactly which is happening here. My ex would stonewall. He'd completely ignore me and as PPs have said it was soul destroying.
However, I had another DP who always wanted to talk about the same issues over and over again. He would start conversations; he would write me letters. It felt like bullying because it wasn't that I didn't state my position. It was that he didn't like my answer or he wanted to change my mind. He'd bombard me with communication to try to elicit the response he wanted. It was exhausting.
I don't know which is happening here but you sound wore out. If you don't want to sweep it under the carpet and he refuses to talk then you need to do something to break the cycle. You could just take yourself out of the environment for the weekend. You could go to counselling. You need reassurance about your own communication skills and about your boundaries.

I remember after he'd had a couple of counselling sessions, I asked him how it was going and if he'd managed to get to the bottom of why it is he acts the way he does.
Whether it was the therapist planting seeds, him coming to the realisation himself, or yet another attempt at power play, he told me it's all stemming from his childhood. His father was an awful man and left when he was young, his mother worked two jobs to support him and his sister so was never around, and he claims that the lack of adult during his childhood 'emotional years', made him swallow his feelings and learn to 'deal with things on his own'.

When I first heard him say that, I felt awful. Like it was something he can't help as opposed to something he was choosing to do to hurt me. But I'm tired of cutting him slack and making excuses for him. I understand and am sympathetic that an upbringing such as his own must have been tough and has no doubt impacted him, but surely if he wanted to try and change, the resources and tools are available. Let alone seeing me cry thanks to his behaviour should be enough of a wake up call for any sane person to want to change the way they are for the better.

A lot of us has had shitty childhoods OP, doesn't excuse us to be shitty adults

You are wasting your life with him. Counselling has made no difference. Take control back and think of the peace you could have without him in your life.

I am going through this too, it’s awful, I literally have tried everything. Conversations begin to which I think will take no time at all and can easily be resolved but I just end up getting so upset and angry to his attitude and childish remarks over serious matters. We have been together 8 years and had a wonderful relationship up until his business fell apart. 2018 and 2019 have been the worst, where is the man I used to know? I have two young children with him who he doesn’t give much time to anymore.

Totally understand everything you mentioned in your post. I’ll keep watching in hope of answers. x

It's no way to live, OP. LTB.

A close friend left her DP after three years of this. He would go two weeks or more without speaking to her.
Everyone has patches in longer relationships where they might bicker more etc, but honestly it shouldn’t be this hard all the time. Women waste so many of their good years shoring up men because their empathy and kindness lead them to feel sorry for the man, when they should be feeling sorry for themselves and getting out.
This is no way to live OP. If you want children, you couldn’t have them with a man who did this all the time.
Life is precious, don’t waste it living for years with a man who won’t make the effort to be kind to you. I don’t care what problems he has had that have led to this, it is a power dynamic, and it is cruel.

Hard to say if he's being abusive, when we're only hearing your side of the story and you freely admit to shouting at him. But, the relationship doesn't sound happy and it doesn't seem likely to improve, so probably best for both of you to move on

How does he communicate at work?

You've made it very clear for years that it's not okay, and he's kept doing it, and you've stayed, therefore he knows that actually it is okay. sadly I think you have to show him that no, it really is not okay. Take him at his word and leave him alone. For good. He isn't going to change and you don't need this shit.

I had this all through my marriage - if I'd ask what I'd done to get the silent treatment he'd say "You know!". I thought it was just me that made him do it. but years after we'd split up our eighteen-year-old did something, I phoned to ask his advice about how to handle it, and he said "We need to withdraw approval from her". Up to then I thought it was something he wasn't in control of, that made me realise it was a deliberate decision he made, to use as a punishment. All about control. He did it several times to our daughters, they finally let him do his sulking for six months, didn't bother contacting him, he has never done it again.

It's about power. Having you fretting and wondering and getting upset and trying to get him to answer you or respond, and he's holding that back from you. Fuck him, he's getting off on it while you're getting more and more upset. There's no winning with him.

Yes Wonder Woman, I'm currently not speaking to him (not that he's made any attempt to converse with me) as if I start speaking to him, he'll assume everything is fine, the issue that I tried resolving on Monday won't be readdressed and he'll have 'won' - not that it's about winning or losing, but he'll have won in the sense that by him choosing to ignore me, he hasn't had to resolve anything, or apologise, or make me feel better. The issue will be completely avoided and I'll be left feeling just as frustrated while his life returns to normal.

I don't want to not speak with him, I just want the issue sorted. But I'm sick of trying to sort things out with him, him shutting down, treating me like crap, then expecting me to be totally ok with him the following day. He never comes to me to sort things out, no matter how long it drags out for. It always results in me going to him to mediate the situation, and I end up apologising for trying to talk to him, it becomes me that has to put in all the work following him ignoring me.

You have to leave him IMO

You don’t mention any kids and you are not married. You cannot fix a person like this and you should absolutely not have kids with him. Get yourself away from him. You could have a nice life with a person who isn’t abusive.

Sounds awful

What are you so desperate to engage with him about on this occasion?

And yes, I do get incredibly worked up because it's beyond frustrating and heartbreaking to sit there trying to talk to someone, fighting back the tears but they think scrolling through Reddit is more important than looking up from their phone and talking and being present.

Not nice

My exh did this when he was having an affair and considering leaving me; it was all part of him not loving me any more, not really wanting to be with me. If this has got worse, I'd wonder if your dp was having second thoughts about the relationship. You certainly should be.

You know the theory that a team is only as a strong as it’s weakest member? Well I think a person is only as good as their weakest trait. Meaning- how they are at their worst should still be manageable, or the rest of the relationship crumbles.

You say he is a nice man in other ways but he is not if he is happy to subject you to emotional abuse. He knows how upset you are about it and has even gone to counselling, yet her persists. What he is saying to you is ‘my right to stoney silence is more important than your right to be heard.’

If I were you I would honestly leave, today. Pack the important things and go to a friends for a few days. Maybe getting home and seeing you’ve left will shock him into communication, and you can make it clear that you will only stay with him if the communication channels stay open, and he never ever stonewalls you again.

If not, you have your answer- you are better off alone.

Never have a relationship where you need to open a conversation ‘placidly’. Stop wasting your time and LTB. You are worth so much more than this