DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

[FetchezLaVache]

I too think you should leave - my ExH was like this too, in my experience it doesn't get any better, and it's bloody lovely not having to weigh each word in your head before you speak!

Read @ScatteredMama82's post again. If this relationship is salvageable, leaving is the only way to save it. Another PP pointed out that for all you tell your DP that it's not OK to treat you like this, you are staying and therefore your actions make it clear that it IS OK to treat you like that. You therefore need to break the cycle. Leave - it will either make him change, or it won't. If it does, great! If it doesn't - well, you can relearn what it's like not treading on eggshells.

[NewFoneWhoDis]

Reading this thread has been a lightbulb moment for me. My very first serious boyfriend was like this. Stonewalled literally everything. I was very young and didn't recognise it as I'm from a family of communicators.

And a fairly big proportion of my boyfriends since him were controlling to some degree, ranging from just being a selfish self-centred arse to textbook abusive...hmm.

And do you know, when he broke up with me, it was by ghosting. Still no explanation or reason even when he came back asking to get back together. Fool that I was I took him back despite stonwalling while asking me back. That happened more than once - see I told you I was a fool. Eventually I saw sense and told him the next time he fucked off he could stay gone. And he did.

2 years into his marriage I bumped into him and we had coffee. Marriage already in trouble because of communication issues. He'd not changed one bit and I really felt pity for his wife as I remember those one-sided chats with dread. I think they got counselling and I heard they had children since but I would not be one bit surprised to hear that she finally left him due to his stonewalling because according to a mutual friend, he's still the same as he was 20 odd years ago.
You've no ties to him, life is too short to spend it with someone who does this to you. Leave and be happy.

[BookwormMe2]

I'm a shell of the person I was when he met me, but for some reason, I just can't find the strength to leave. The 'what if' constantly haunts me. What if, one day, he'll be better?*

He won't and the only 'what if' you should be asking yourself is 'what if we had children and he did the same to them?'

Your DP's behaviour is bullying, dismissive, disrespectful and focused on keeping you in your place. Get the hell out.

[Dacquoise]

Or a few days away from the situation to get your head straight?

[Ponoka7]

"I'm a shell of the person I was when he met me, but for some reason, I just can't find the strength to leave."

One day you're not going to be even a shell of who you once were.

That's what keeps a lot of Women in abusive relationships. It isn't quite bad enough to leave. In reality it is, but every day they either get more training to accept abuse, or an example of a good relationship (so cling on).

"He's a good man who just does xyz" No he's an abusive man who is playing a clever game.

The what ifs you are waiting for are never going to happen and like a lot of Women you will just grow older, squandering your life away.

For a lot of Women it takes a serious illness or life event and they have no choice but to leave (or the abuser ends it). This is always at one of the most vulnerable times in that woman's life.

[SunshineCake]

1. Didn't read all your OP as did not need too. This is no relationship and certainly not an equal adult one.
   

1. Leave. He thinks you are his toy to play with, mess with your head.
   

1. If everyone used the right topics then there would be no filling up of the wrong ones necessitating the use of the wrong one for traffic. It would all be equal.
   

1. There is no light at the end of the tunnel as there is no tunnel. Why should he change when he gets to mistreat you and you are placid and do nothing about it.

[Dacquoise]

To regroup to get out I mean.

[OMGshefoundmeout]

It’s controlling and abusive. I have no doubt the roots of it come from his troubled childhood but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you this way.

I would bet a lot of money that if you do the sensible thing and move out he will be all over you like a rash, crying and pleading and begging you to return. He’ll have no trouble expressing his emotions then. But as soon as you come back he will revert to type and you will be back to square 1.

I do feel some sympathy for him. He sounds deeply troubled but again, that doesn’t give him the right to dictate by action what can and can’t be discussed in your mutual home. I agree with the PP that it is very fortunate that he is a DP and not a DH and a father. Can you imagine how awful he would be as a parent?

Get out now and find someone kinder.

[CapturedFairy]

Although an American study, 85% of people who stonewall are male in heterosexual relationships.

They do it because they don't want to make things worse by speaking and the person being stonewalled escalates because they feel like the aren't being heard.

Surely you are both just living a lie, your relationship can't get real because he won't let you discuss things with him. It is very sad.

[Doneitagainidiot]

I know it's not as simple as leaving letssee I've been there, and it nearly broke me, I got to the point I was so low.

I think you know already but it won't get better, you hold on to the tiny bit of hope it will and I know I've been there.

He is abusive, you have tried different ways of communicating, you have been sympathetic to his reasons, you have done more than enough, he doesn't want to change, if he genuinely wanted to work on it he would, and I know you would be happy to help him, but you can't be the only one working at it.

Relationships without communication can never work in the long run.

It's not that easy just to leave, but you can take the decision today to accept it is abusive Behaviour, and that you will take the first step and not be willing to accept it any more. Take your time and do what is right for you, but please believe me when I say it won't get better.

Good luck

[ElspethFlashman]

Jesus OP, you're wasting your whole life.

He doesn't love you. He wouldn't treat a dog the way he treats you.

[sprouts21]

Op you are still talking about communication. He IS communicating with you and he's telling you very clearly that your thoughts and feelings don't matter. He's telling you that the rules of the relationship are that you don't raise complaints or you'll be punished. Stop thinking about him like he's some tortured soul who needs coaching in order to behave like an adult.

If you don't feel ready to leave yet then you need to emotionally detatch from him. Dont give him any more opportunity to stonewall you.

[IceQueenCometh]

You have to leave OP. When you recognize that all that's left of you is a shell then you have to get out. You will rebuild yourself (I speak from experience) but don't leave it any longer or he will break you.

Your reaction to his stonewalling simply validates him. He can make you react emotionally to him. That feeds him. He doesn't care whether it's a positive or negative emotion, it's all about power. Of course everything is your fault. That's projection, an absolutely classic tactic. You feel guilty. No way, he alone is responsible for his abusive behavior.

You MUST go OP. There is life beyond an abuser I promise, and you deserve it. While you gather yourself up, go grey rock on him. At least then you're no longer feeding his grotesque ego. www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Good luck OP

[NearlyGranny]

Yeah, if you felt you had go hide Bancroft, you're with an abuser, sadly.

I bounced my DH into action by giving him a (written) ultimatum and a deadline to respond and change or be divorced. I was the breadwinner.

Call it controlling - I took control of my life and happiness is how I see it. If we hadn't had a house, mortgage and children, I would have left before we got to that point. And yes, he had great aspects to him, too, like getting up in the night to a hungry baby or sick child. In the end, being isolated and ignored like that meant the test just wasn't enough.

He woke up, signed up to therapy and went for a YEAR of weekly sessions.

Reader, I stayed with him. It's not perfect, but I can raise things now and be reasonably sure he will engage and discuss an issue rationally in a way that leads to resolution, not always my way, either.

I suggest messaging him saying, "Talk to me when you are ready to discuss issue X and resolve it with me."

Ball in his court. Then I reckon start quietly packing and planning and if he goes a week without initiating that conversation and handling himself like a loving, respectful, adult partner, LTB because there is literally nothing there to build on. ☹️

[headinhands]

He doesn't actually seem to want a relationship and has been like this for sometime. You need to work on why you put so much effort into someone who doesn't care enough about you to even listen.

[TwentyEight12]

LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken Ok, I’m going to take a rough punt on this, and it is a rough punt because you have not given any context to the subject matter regards when the stone-walling takes place. We don’t know what the conversations are about and it would have helped to know that because if it’s conversations over big things like marriage, having kids, adultery, finances... the subject matter is important.

I think that it’s as simple as this, that he is content with the way things are in your lives and relationship and doesn’t see the need nor want to address or change anything. I think the elephant in the room here is that it is you who isn’t happy or content with the way things are going in your lives or relationship and as a result of that you continually address these to him, which I imagine he now views as nagging. I’m not saying that’s ok by the way.

You have two opposing perceptions of what you want your relationship to be or how you want to live your lives and he isn’t willing to change himself to fit your version of what you want so he stonewalls/shuts down and your requests for change/compromise go unmet and the status quo is kept as it is.

Either, you accept the relationship as it is and stop asking him to make the amendments to the subject matters you are not happy with or you accept that these are dealbreakers for you and the relationship is over.

I’m afraid that really is the nuts and bolts of it.

It’s never easy to leave someone you love, never. However, being in continual mental and emotional torment is no way to live.

I wish you the best of luck.

[JonesyK]

This sounds exhausting. Have you true telling him unless he engages with you you'll consider leaving him

[LOALM]

You've given him more than enough chances. Whether or not he has deep rooted issues behind this behaviour isn't the point any more - he isn't treating you with any respect and you deserve more. Get out before it grinds you down and you start to believe this is what you deserve.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Please please cut your losses and leave. He will not change and you have expressed very eloquently in the final paragraph of your last post why you can’t keep making excuses for his behaviour.

After 5 years you have probably lost sight of how a good relationship should feel. Perhaps you are aware of people talking about having to “work at” relationships. When they say that they mean compromising over things, sometimes having differences of opinion, but resolving those within an environment of love and affection. You are not in that environment and these are not little things that you just need to work at. It does not have to be this hard, I promise you.
Please leave.

[ChilledBee]

my right to stoney silence is more important than your right to be heard.’

The issue with this perspective is that actually, it is equally important. While it is unlikely you'll find many people compatible with his approach to dealing with problems, it is his right to do so. He could argue that the OP feels her right to process together is more important that his right to do it alone. Neither is more important but it might mean they can't be happy together.

[DawgLover]

He's punishing you with silence when you don't play by his rules OP. He is an adult and has plenty of tools availability to help him communicate with you, he chooses not to.

At some point you need to decide whether you want to live like this for the next 20 years, waiting for the crumbs of the good times - or cut your losses and surround yourself with people who value and respect you.

[IneedPositivityxx]

I wouldn’t tolerate a man treating me like that. I would leave.

[Daisydrum]

OP seriously what if??!!
WHAT IF you end up being this miserable for the rest of your life....

[Cath2907]

My ex-husband was like this. It got worse throughout our marriage and after 12 years together I said I wanted a divorce. I’d tried repeatedly to discuss issues with him but he wouldn’t talk about anything serious. Even the eventual final discussion went...

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry. I am so unhappy. We don’t talk or connect. I feel so alone. I think maybe we need some time apart”.

“Fine, I’ll just go get some stuff and will stay in the caravan.”

“Don’t you want to at least try and talk about it?”

“There is no point”.


That was it. We never did talk about it. I went to a solicitor, made him a fair offer, he said yes, I did paperwork, he signed. We sold the house and... done. I don’t know if he was happy about it, sad about it, relieved... he seemed totally disinterested.

[TiredSloth]

Get out. Don’t be me- 11 years in with 2 young dc and unable to discuss anything that doesn’t interest him. Any conversation that I try to start that is any way serious then I just get stonewalled at every turn. If I dare to ask what’s wrong the only answer I will ever get is ‘nothing’.

To every parent who tells their little boys not to cry and that showing emotion is ‘girly’, these are the men they grow up to become.