DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

[LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken]

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

Ok I see how this works, I can come on here and say anything even if it’s not the truth and say it was a typo.

Fair enough. I’ll remember that.

Thanks for the reports, everyone. Hope that's cleared everything up. Definitely no moderators other than me here... Though if there are, could you pop over to the parking threads and have a sweep up? It's a bit busy tonight.

What we'd really like now is to get back to the OP's original question as the thread's got a bit derailed. Thanks for your help.

Ok I see how this works, I can come on here and say anything even if it’s not the truth and say it was a typo.

Fair enough. I’ll remember that.

Yep you remember this hun!

No one only you thought i was being disingenuous not even @ChilledBee!

@HebeMumsnet, appreciated and I'll get straight over to parking and leave OP to get some sensible answers.

@theretheirtheyrenotno
@TwentyEight12
Can't you two take it to bloody PM for Christ sake.

I've already stated that I pick and choose my battles because I know how DP will respond.
Regardless, even if I chose to discuss things on a monthly basis, it's no excuse for ignoring me.

I'm intrigued as to why you bother to pick and choose your battles. Why bother battling anything at all? You've had this for five years.

Why don't you end your relationship and find someone who cares about your feelings?

When it comes down to it, whilst his behaviour is designed to destroy you, he isn't going to change. There's no incentive for him to change, is there? You can only end the situation by calling it a day.

He's 'tried' counselling. It didn't work. You don't have anything in your personal arsenal of strategies that is going to make a blind bit of difference. At best he is indifferent to your suffering, otherwise he must be getting something out of it.

And you describe him as an otherwise good man...

I wish you well, OP.

If he were your husband, I would definitely suggest couples counseling - it can be very helpful. If you really love him and want the relationship to work, then I'd still suggest couples counseling. There may be ways or things you say to him that are unhelpful triggers to his behaviour. But how are you to know unless he opens up?!
Such a frustrating thing to deal with and I've been there.
There's a reason he is the way he is and these things normally boil down to childhood issues. If you don't have the stamina and if he isn't willing to get help, I'd say get out whilst you're not married.

Basically OP, he doesn't like you, but enjoys having you around to punish and torture.

You should leave. If he can be bothered to communicate at work and with friends and not you it’s a form of control. Leave the bastard.

I bet the fucker definitely gets a hard on torturing you like this.

If you could see the next 20 years with him, would you honestly be able to deal with this?
Could you see your children mirroring his behaviour? Can you imagine how lonely and isolated you will feel living with someone who cannot communicate?

Scrub cannot and replace with will not as this is his choice.

I'm going to summarise what I have picked up from the thread.

He stonewalls you often, regardless of the subject matter. You have tried many different ways to get him to communicate. You have asked him what would help and he said text messages. He's ignored the texts. He doesn't behave this way at work or he could not do his job. You feel like a shell of yourself.

I think that this is an abusive relationship, and I don't think whether or not it is abusive is an irrelevant point. In my experience when someone is treating you disrespectfully like that, you start to question yourself and lose your self-esteem. You probably want to know that you're not going crazy and that this isn't a right way to treat someone you love. And it isn't right op. To me it is bullying.

He must know that his behaviour is making you desperately unhappy. Does he seem as unhappy as you are? Obviously we only have your side of the story, but it doesn't sound like it.

Now please take the advice of nearly everyone on this thread and leave him. Forget about the "what ifs" and start thinking about what you want the rest of your life to be like. I am sure you don't want it to be like this.

OP, what a relationship... well it isn’t really is it - it’s all on his terms. Like others I was interested in how he functions in the world beyond your relationship, and was really surprised that he is in a management role. So this personality trait is shared just with you. I was watching the state of the union last night when Rosalind Pike said to Chris ‘the one thing that separates us from everyone else is sex.’ For you it’s his stonewalling - lucky you!

This isn’t a reflection on you and certainly not an attempt undermine your situation but I’m fascinated to find out how big decisions like moving in together happened if he can’t cope with discussions around putting the bin out!

Obviously I hope you find the strength to pick yourself up and leave. His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know.

OP. I grew up with a mother like that. She was a stonewaller (among many other lovely things about her). But there are a few differences between her and your partner. Your partner shuts you out as soon as you face some problem/real issue. My mother was the opposite. With serious issues, she either discuss it, OR shout, scream and call me names (depending on the mood). Stonewalling always started over some completely ridiculous thing. For example, me leaving an unwashed cup in the sink (she was severely pedantic).

However, she would never tell you WHAT exactly happened. Just immediately shut you out and you were supposed to do the guesswork. The worst thing for me was passing her room (she used to watch telly with the door open). She would either sit with a stone-cold dead face staring at an imaginary dot on the wall OR quickly glance at me with disgust and contempt, then look away and make that stony face again.

I was a child. And it was soul crushing. I used to cry and ask her 'mummy, please tell me what did I do wrong?' (the answer was a look of disgust). I remember how absolutely awful that was. And..

I grew up to be almost EXACTLY like her. I could discuss serious matters, I wasn't pedantic and didn't take offence over small things. But when I finally did take offence - I was a ruthless stonewaller, no mercy. However, what I remember from these days is this: it was fun, but only at first. The first few hours or a day of this, when a person you stonewalling is looking upset, confused, apologetic. But then the 'fun' stage would pass and I myself would be a little sad, a little confused and wanting to end all this, but not knowing how, not wanting to 'lose' and then I kept on continuing the silent treatment.

I was a very young adult then and luckily this shit didn't last long. One day I realized that I'm a complete bitch, my behaviour is disgusting and upsetting and I became exactly like my mother. I realized that I'm punishing both the person I'm treating like that AND also myself. My partner can walk out on me, but I will have to live with my disgusting self forever. And then I changed. This all happened 10 years ago. I admit, I'm sometimes tempted to use the 'silent treatment' again and sometimes even do, but it's nothing like before, I mostly just sulk for an hour and then come to work things out. Plus this doesn't happen over unwashed cups or differences of opinion.

I guess what I'm trying to say with my long post is this: he himself has to understand that what he's doing is absolutely wrong, and he himself needs to WANT to change. From my own experience I can tell, that someone pleading, begging, asking nicely, etc wouldn't have worked. As mentioned above, sometimes my upset partner talking kindly and asking nicely to just 'stop this, please' would affect me deep down, and I WAS sorry and wanted to stop the 'session'. But I saw the stopping as 'losing' and couldn't force myself to do it. At least it was like that for me. Leave him. This is an appalling way to live, OP.

OP it can be hard to see when you're inside the relationship and afraid of life beyond it, but honestly, please remember what a relationship should be:

-You should like each other
-You should be kind and caring towards each other, because you like each other
-The relationship should enhance your life, not destroy it

He sounds like a controlling toddler. Please choose better for yourself - you do deserve it. There is a life beyond this situation where you can be happy.

Stonewalling is his way of controlling the relationship and you.

You have told him how it makes you feel and asked him to stop.

He evidently chooses not to change.

I would encourage you not to make excuses for him. This behaviour will not change. He has made this very clear to you.

There's no incentive or consequence which would give him a reason to change OP, as you stick around. So he won't change. I'd not discuss anything or any ongoing issues any more & do my own thing: while organising a new life without him.

You feel lost because you are emotionally exhausted. You've tried everything and you think you still can't please him.

The thing is you are pleasing him. Hes got the power and the more spent you become then the more power he has over you.

You need to find a way to step back emotionally so that you have the energy to make a new future for yourself. Maybe counselling, maybe just totally disengage from him. Once you change the focus from making things right for him to making things right for you then you'll find your way forward.

Just on the terrible childhood excuse, I had a very physically and emotionally abusive childhood. My older brother and me were both regularly beaten, bullied and belittled. Our father was a nasty bully. Both of us went on to have children and loving partners of our own. Neither of us have ever hit our children or been emotionally abusive to them. I honestly feel like this is an excuse to say he had a shit childhood. He is making a choice to perpetuate that behaviour with you. It’s not a given that it wrecks your chance of ever having a normal relationship as an adult because you’ve had an awful childhood. He’s just trying to make you feel sorry for him.

I’ve got nearly exactly this, but thing is he’s not a d* about it. Just seems like he doesn’t have any words and cannot articulate in any way whatsoever how to, or if he even wants to, fix the situation. So on the outside he looks completely devoted to me and the kids but on the inside I constantly feel like he doesn’t want to be here because of the lack of communication. No advice, just know how you’re feeling!

Another one here who had a father like this.

I remember my mum getting a hair cut and he felt it was too short, he stonewalled her for a month until it had grown a bit. I was just a child, I thought all dads were like that.

He stonewalled me for around three weeks when I was a teenager as he disagreed with one of my A-level choices. I remember begging and pleading him to talk to me and he just blanked me. There’s a scene in the film Ladybird which is just like this, the daughter begging the stonewalling mum to speak to her.

It’s definitely abuse. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

Well OP, what are you going to do? Love shouldn't be this hard! You have nothing holding you there, thank god you haven't dragged any children into this abusive shitshow of a relationship.

God OP.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s “abusive” or not.
It doesn’t matter whether he had a shit childhood or not.

What does matter is that you are desperately unhappy in this relationship and you are allowed to end it.

When people show you who they are, believe them. I’m more interested in what happened in your childhood that makes you think you have to accept this crappy relationship or that it’s all your fault. Get yourself to counselling and focus on sorting your own head out - leave him to his.

excellent post @WallyWallyWally!

Op, I know this is overwhelming, but please, we all want the best for you and this man will only ever deliver the worst. It’s the hardest thing in the world to take that first step away, but then you take another and another and all you have to do is keep going. You’ll be shocked how amazingly quickly you’ll feel better and even the kids recover visibly in days!

Sure there will be setbacks, but we’re always here for you, 24 hours a day,

I’m 8 years on from leaving my abusive ex - even I can’t even believe how my life has turned out!