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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old son is mean.

164 replies

Fabulousdahlink · 26/09/2019 05:59

Birthdays christmas etc really important in our home. Son has money from savings and has a pt job. Failed to buy his sister a xmas gift, for my 50th only offered to buy the card whilst expecting 14yr sister to buy the gifts, now discovered he has not bought or paid glft or her birthday on sunday. Fornat is thr same each time...when asked if he has planned money for a gift says yes, sometimes lies and says he has ordered a gift ' but it hasnt arrived' or just plain expects the adults in his life me , dad, granny or aunty to buy a last minute gift so the person doesnt get left out...but he doesnt pay for shop for or pay back the money for the gift.

What do I do ? He knows it is not ok to treat people this way...but it is sfill a pattern. He's been told directly by the adults in his life its not ok. A bar of choc and 59p card from home bargains would be acceltable. He just doesnt give despite always being treated well on his own special days. We are supposed to be going out for dinner for his sisters birthday and I'm so disguted with him I dont want to go. However, that lunishes my daughter and will also hurt her feelings again if I tell her the reason why.

We've told him and given him options ( tell us and you can pay back the cost of the gift etc) but he still persists in not being responsible for his own gift giving to direct family ( sister, mum and dad)
Advice needed please mumsnetters.

OP posts:
CustardCreamLover · 26/09/2019 06:02

Well to start with I'd stop making his days special. You can't expect to be treated nicely if you can't be bothered to yourself.

As for your daughters birthday meal, leave him at home? Or does she want him there?

User24689 · 26/09/2019 06:04

My own brother is like this and he's 32. Always been the same. Actually a really lovely guy in all other ways but is tight with money and I think also finds the actual process of choosing a gift stressful. Now he is older the gifts do arrive but always late because he procrastinates so badly when it comes to getting them and sends them after the fact. Can you take him shopping with you when you buy the gift for said person? My brother missed my dad's 70th last year and I was really cross with him.he actually got really upset and said he doesn't know why he does it, he just finds getting presents so hard he puts it out of his mind! No idea if this is the same situation but it drives me mad and my parents never tackled it they just said "it's how he is,"

Ponoka7 · 26/09/2019 06:05

Leave him out of the dinner. Stop buying for him.

He will then see that there's value in gift giving. Or he won't and he doesn't want to get into the whole present buying thing. Even if it's because he's tight, it's still his choice.

He's a young adult and should start to be treated as one.

The worst thing you could do is to still over fuss him and make other family members do so, while getting nothing back.

There's countless threads on here about similar, BILs, Brothers, Stepfathers etc and MILs who pander to them.

NearlyGranny · 26/09/2019 06:12

Is your DD upset by it? If not, eyeroll and counsel her not to spend above £1 on him. If she is - and you clearly are - how about getting her and everyone to write a menu of desired and acceptable gifts? Now we can order online there's really no excuse.

DD once spotted a pretty silver bracelet we'd bought her on the wrist of her DB's then gf. He'd "shopped the house" as they say, after leaving it too late for her birthday. 😡

PositiveVibez · 26/09/2019 06:24

I'm sure he's around the age where he is interested in dating?

Tell him that nobody wants to date a tightwad. Its one of the most unattractive features in a person and he'll end up like Scrooge. Just him and his money and that's not a nice prospect.

HalloweenTinsel · 26/09/2019 06:28

Don't take him for the meal for his sister. Buy him a very cheap card for Xmas and a pair of generic Xmas socks, no more. Don't fuss him again. Gift giving isn't compulsory but it's a social thing and he needs to learn to put his hand in his pocket sometimes. Or to make an effort - one of the best presents I ever had was handmade cookies.

Thegracefuloctopus · 26/09/2019 06:42

My brothers like this still at 33. He is very well paid, just a bit of an arsehole who thinks we should all bow down to him and that he is more important. I don't even expect a gift anymore and at Xmas he gets a voucher worth a tenner. It hurts but I've grown to know he's just like this.
I would let him do what he likes and not bail him out. When others are upset just explain this is his true character and they can decide what to do on his birthdays and xmases.

lovemenorca · 26/09/2019 06:48

He’s only 16. Very limiting money, so he’s being careful.

That said... he is displaying tight arse features undoubtedly. You might be able to help him disguise these features but ultimately if he’s a tight ass. He’s a tight ass

Howlovely · 26/09/2019 06:54

I really would just leave him to it but then he has to understand that that also means you will treat him as he has treated you. So no gifts, or crappy token gifts) for him. Hes more than old enough to understand. It may be that he just doesn't place much importance in gifts, in which case he will be happy with the arrangement. If he's not then he'll have to admit that he actually expects to be given quality gifts while not reciprocating and I'm sure nobody would actually admit to that.

recrudescence · 26/09/2019 06:55

I think you should simply stop worrying about it or trying to change him. Don’t remind, cajole or try to help. If he gives presents, fine. If he doesn’t bother, fine. Don’t comment again on the situation. Explain your new approach to his sister and tell her it’s entirely up to her if she gives on his birthday or Christmas. Meanwhile, as parents, lead by example: give him presents in the normal way, showing that gifts are not made with conditions attached; that we do not give to receive. In summary, disengage and rise above it all. Let him choose his own path and accept the consequences that flow from it.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/09/2019 06:57

I'm gonna be honest OP, when I saw the title I thought I was gonna come on and read a story about a boy who calls everyone cunts and steals thing. I don't think being a bit stingy at age 16 is a big deal and if it's the worst thing about your teenage son you're very lucky. I never once bought my brothers birthday presents until about 18/19 and we're now extremely close.

Just because birthdays and Christmases are a big deal to you it doesn't mean that a near-adult has to follow suit. Maybe think about accepting that that's just who he is?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/09/2019 07:01

My brother is the same and he's over 40. And his flat refusal to ever buy cards or gifts manifests itself in other ways - I've never had even a WhatsApp message from him on my birthday. I'm afraid some people just don't have a generous spirit.

Redrosesandsunsets · 26/09/2019 07:01

GunpowderGelatine my thoughts too.

TidyDancer · 26/09/2019 07:02

@NearlyGranny your poor DD! Did she get her bracelet back?

OP you won't change your DS without making him see the consequences. Leave him at home, don't arrange anything special for him, he needs to see the results of his selfishness.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/09/2019 07:03

My brother is exactly the same. He never bothered about me as a child. He was overindulged and given the message that he was superior as a male to me, the female. We are nc now. I think he ever bought me a present bar the one for our wedding on a gift list.

Does your son think he’s superior in some way?

He values money, I think if I’m reading this correctly. Have you tried getting £20 out of your pocket and giving it to your dd in front of him? “Here’s an extra £20 pounds seeing as your brother didn’t get you a present again.”

I imagine you give fairly to your children and spend roughly the same amount. This should be an extra gift. It doesn’t matter if your dd only spends a few pounds on her brother, this is for shock value iyswim.

Have him come to the meal and do it then so that he is clear what is expected in the family. Then if he does the same again, do in publicly every Christmas and birthday until he gets the message.

Natural consequences and all that....

OwlBeThere · 26/09/2019 07:08

Stop bailing him out then? Stop buying things on his behalf for others and tell those others not to get him anything. Insist he pay you/others back for the times you’ve done it for him. You’re enabling him so of course he’s going to continue doing it.

MyNewBearTotoro · 26/09/2019 07:08

My siblings and I never give each other gifts. I think it’s reasonable for him to opt out, but it’s equally reasonable for those he doesn’t give gifts in not to do anything on his birthday either.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/09/2019 07:14

Have you tried getting £20 out of your pocket and giving it to your dd in front of him? “Here’s an extra £20 pounds seeing as your brother didn’t get you a present again.”

Good grief do NOT do this!! The only thing worse than not doing anything would to use your DD as a pawn to send a passive aggressive message to your son. It's a guaranteed way to destroy relations between them

BrokenWing · 26/09/2019 07:17

I've never given gifts to siblings, I started giving gifts to my parents when I was around 19.

My parents never forced , coerced or guilt tripped me into giving gifts, they let it naturally develop as something I wanted to do and was over the moon the first time I did. They wouldn't have wanted a gift that was not giving genuinely and graciously.

IMO you cant/shouldn't force it at 16. Even if it is "important in your home" your son is an individual and should be allowed to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences.

slashlover · 26/09/2019 07:20

TBH, I hate gift giving, I do it because it's expected of me though. Trying to figure out what everyone would like, have time to buy and wrap it, getting gifts which are meh but I have to pretend to like. I would rather everyone spent the money they would have spent on other people on themselves, at least I know exactly what I want.

NotSorry · 26/09/2019 07:27

Good posts from recrudescence and brokenwing

happinessischocolate · 26/09/2019 07:28

YABU to expect a 16 year old boy to care about card giving and presents.

My DD and her friends will buy lovely presents for each other's bdays, my DS and his mates chuck a tenner in a cheap card and awkwardly throw it at the birthday boy 😁

From a young age I've always taken my DC to choose a card and present for their sibling I wouldn't expect them to get off their arse and think of doing it themselves

MollyButton · 26/09/2019 07:31

You need to make a big fuss! But with my children at about that age they reached a stage where the stress of getting the right present became so overwhelming that they just couldn't get anything. So maybe try to destress the choice - someone else buy the gift and him pay them back or strict instructions on exactly what to buy?

HighNoon · 26/09/2019 07:42

I followed the emotional tone set by my then teenage son. He too was thoughtless about family gifts, mothers day. It really hurts. But reciprocated by not doing more than minimum card and small amount of cash for his birthday. As little I could give to sustain my self-image as a kinder person. He is older now, and warming up - heck some days he smiles at me! It may or may not be a permanent character trait - I wouldn't write him off immediately.

As another poster said - natural consequences. Don't cover for him by buying presents on his behalf (relationship between siblings is for them to own and manage not you), express your disappointment and expectations (calmly - unlike me!) and keep your gifts to him to the very minimum you can tolerate. I didn't enjoy this stage AT ALL, but it does seem to be passing with time.

Soontobe60 · 26/09/2019 07:45

Thinking back, when my DDs were that age, I didn't expect them to buy gifts for anyone! They may have bought each other a token gift for birthdays (bar of chocolate) but that's all. We would buy the gifts and put their names on, so a gift to my sister, their aunt would be signed me, DH and girls.
They only started buying their own gifts for parents and each other once they were at Uni. They would collaborate and get joint gifts for me and DH. We don't tend to buy other people gifts, we send cards for birthdays to cousins, grandparents, close aunts but that's all.
At their weddings, they got joint gifts from my sister and her adult kids. They are both very generous now with their gifts, and still collaborate.
My brothers haven't sent cards for birthdays or Christmas ever to wider family. We don't mind, it's not an issue. I send them cards at Christmas only.
None of us are mean, or unthoughtful. We just don't see the need to buy token gifts just because it's the done thing. When we get together we don't think oh that tight wad didn't buy me a card so I'm not speaking to him.