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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old son is mean.

164 replies

Fabulousdahlink · 26/09/2019 05:59

Birthdays christmas etc really important in our home. Son has money from savings and has a pt job. Failed to buy his sister a xmas gift, for my 50th only offered to buy the card whilst expecting 14yr sister to buy the gifts, now discovered he has not bought or paid glft or her birthday on sunday. Fornat is thr same each time...when asked if he has planned money for a gift says yes, sometimes lies and says he has ordered a gift ' but it hasnt arrived' or just plain expects the adults in his life me , dad, granny or aunty to buy a last minute gift so the person doesnt get left out...but he doesnt pay for shop for or pay back the money for the gift.

What do I do ? He knows it is not ok to treat people this way...but it is sfill a pattern. He's been told directly by the adults in his life its not ok. A bar of choc and 59p card from home bargains would be acceltable. He just doesnt give despite always being treated well on his own special days. We are supposed to be going out for dinner for his sisters birthday and I'm so disguted with him I dont want to go. However, that lunishes my daughter and will also hurt her feelings again if I tell her the reason why.

We've told him and given him options ( tell us and you can pay back the cost of the gift etc) but he still persists in not being responsible for his own gift giving to direct family ( sister, mum and dad)
Advice needed please mumsnetters.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 27/09/2019 14:45

transitioning from reliant child to independent teen is about guiding them and letting them make their own decisions and dealing with the consequences, not controlling.

And one of those consequences is that if you are self centred and don't care about the people in your life then don't be surprised if the stop caring about you.

rebecca102 · 27/09/2019 14:53

Omg big deal. He is 16, give him a break !!!

Teacher22 · 27/09/2019 17:54

Stop buying the DS presents until he coughs up for others.

Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2019 18:01

Omg big deal. He is 16, give him a break

Yeah, I would if he was 7 years old.
He's a young adult at 16 and needs to treat others the same we he likes to be treated.

Good luck with the conversation, OP

Celestine70 · 27/09/2019 18:04

I think you are making a fuss about something not very important, material things. How is in in other ways? Does he help around the house? Is he generally polite etc? I think most 16 year old boys are probably the same.

Devora13 · 27/09/2019 18:12

I wonder what would happen if you applied logical consequences? When it's his birthday, get him a card but don't plan or buy anything else. Explain that you've noticed he doesn't think birthdays are important as he doesn't bother with other people's, so you have decided to go with his preferences.

JassyRadlett · 27/09/2019 18:14

Honestly, I’d take a different tack. Just a casual ‘I see you’ve decided not to do presents between you and your sister any more. That’s fine, lots of people don’t as they grow up. Have you let your sister know so that she knows not to get anything for your birthday and Christmas? It would be a pain if she had to return something.’

Devora13 · 27/09/2019 18:15

And I can see it's about the thought and effort, not whether it costs a lot of money.

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 18:17

It's not something a 16 year old should have to worry about imo.

1forAll74 · 27/09/2019 18:17

I don't think your son has a big issue at all, at this age teenagers tend not to think about stuff as such, so would just put it down to this.

Girls are more likely to buy cards and gifts for birthdays and Christmas anyway. Maybe he got real,and decided that any tat presents and stuff, are just a waste of money , so I would just leave him be,without any hassle from anybody.

ThinkerThunkk · 27/09/2019 18:27

I scan read your thread, picking out your answers OP, but Im drawn back to your very first words Birthdays christmas etc really important in our home. No, Op, these events are special to YOU, not your son. And whilst you cant be seen to treat children differently under your roof, I really cannot be getting so overwrought about making a school boy go present shopping,.

Not that the MN collective will allow gender stereotyping but as a rule, boys generally don't do shopping, not gift shopping.

@JassyRadlett has the best approach : Just a casual ‘I see you’ve decided not to do presents between you and your sister any more. That’s fine, lots of people don’t as they grow up. Have you let your sister know so that she knows not to get anything for your birthday and Christmas?

kylieeee · 27/09/2019 18:41

First of all, let's praise the kid for having a PT job AND savings at 16. Plenty of older people sit on their bums for a living and squander the tax payers money the fact he works hard for his money says a lotGrin

To be honest at that age the money is piss poor so he shouldn't be expected to spend his first wage packets on other people, he's being sensible with it and saving - what's the issue with that? I'd understand if he was wasting it on fags instead of a card for his sister, but otherwise I'd leave him be. You don't need to exclude him for managing his money, nor do you need to make him feel small by not getting him anything. The point of gifts is to give with no expectation for receiving. I've given plenty of gifts to family members on birthdays/Christmas and not received gifts in return because they've recently moved, changed jobs or are just damn hard up. It doesn't matter to me because their smiles are all the thanks I need. I think people are too materialistic these days.

Just because he's a bit tight now, doesn't mean he will always be that way. I'm certainly not on the same wage I was when I was 16 so I can afford to do nice things for others. Your being a bit hard on him OP. Just my opinion.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/09/2019 18:46

Not that the MN collective will allow gender stereotyping but as a rule, boys generally don't do shopping, not gift shopping

Mine did. So did my DF. None were raised to think it was woman's work though.

OH does too once although he initially had a mild case of confusing me with his mother who was also of the mentality that boys don't buy gifts. It didn't take long to reset that expectation but then he wasn't a selfish arse, his DM just had quaint ideas about "women's work".

Toomuchtrouble4me · 27/09/2019 18:55

THIS...
recrudescence

I think you should simply stop worrying about it or trying to change him. Don’t remind, cajole or try to help. If he gives presents, fine. If he doesn’t bother, fine. Don’t comment again on the situation. Explain your new approach to his sister and tell her it’s entirely up to her if she gives on his birthday or Christmas. Meanwhile, as parents, lead by example: give him presents in the normal way, showing that gifts are not made with conditions attached; that we do not give to receive. In summary, disengage and rise above it all. Let him choose his own path and accept the consequences that flow from it.

saraclara · 27/09/2019 19:01

Yeah, leave him alone so that in a few years time someone can post on here about how upset she is that her partner doesn't care enough to give her a gift on her birthday.
Then the posters who today are saying 'give him a break' can all say how shit he is and she should LTB.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 27/09/2019 19:07

I can see both sides (I certainly bought my family gifts with my pocket money/PT salary, as this is part of real life and I felt proud I'd bought them, rather than pointing and getting my parents to pay....) but ultimately you're trying to enforce your values on him. You might think present buying is important but he clearly doesn't give a shit, or he's got lazy and knows he can just fall back on you.

Ignore him, but equally don't get him anything for Xmas. That genuinely might be the only way to make him realise - if he knows what it's like to get no presents himself. Boys are on average lower on the empathy scale so he might just not realise what his sister feels like.

LayLar360 · 27/09/2019 19:20

I was never expected to but birthday presents for people at that age. I did start buying sma Christmas presents around then, but was given money for the purpose of present-shopping.

I am not a remotely stingy adult (to the contrary, I'm a over-gifter) but I feel your expectations are high for a 16 year old.

NippySweetie16 · 27/09/2019 19:43

Is he spending money in ways you don't know about and so has no money to spend on ways you think he should? Sorry, but online gambling, drugs or other addictive behaviour could be to blame, or his money is being taken from him.

Maybe time for these conversations if you haven't already. Lots of advice online to get informed.

FelicisNox · 27/09/2019 20:12

I can't decide if I'm in the "meh, he's a 16 year old boy, what do you expect?" Camp or the "stop pandering to him and treat him as he treats everyone else" camp.

Possibly both.

Leave him to it. Prep your DD with the old "you know what he's like" speech and stop filling in the gaps and giving him more than he deserves.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/09/2019 20:43

But boys can do gifts.. we’re currently on holiday and ds(12) has already gone and picked up some souvenirs for his dad / stepmum / grandad. Ds(17) has been buying me Christmas / birthday / mother’s day gifts for the five years I’ve been a single parent (and he certainly isn’t someone I’d describe as naturally empathetic). I gave them pocket money, but there was some expectation from that that gifts would happen, although it was always the thought rather than the cost that counted.

Catwaving · 28/09/2019 00:10

This is such a small issue,the title led me to expect much worse. Boys/brothers are often fcuking selfish......could be a lot worse though

chrisie16 · 28/09/2019 04:23

I hate to say, but drugs could be involved. Some can be bought for pocket money, just to get them introduced. You think that you're dealing with a son, but you're actually dealing with an addict, who you don't know any more.

Bucatini · 28/09/2019 04:45

I don’t see this as a big deal personally. Unless he is a generally unkind person.

absopugginglutely · 28/09/2019 05:18

I think when people are miserly it leaves you feeling cold and you probably want to see that he is a kind, generous person.
I would be worried too.
I agree with others, have a chat about it- “you don’t seem to find birthdays/Christmas that important, is this true? If so we can just not do gifts but have a nice meal together instead”
He might change his tune when he realises that he won’t be thought of either.

FlossyChick · 28/09/2019 07:49

Treat him as you would like him to treat others -he is 16-he might look like a big person but it’s still not that old. I am an experienced secondary school teacher and parent of 3 teenagers- teenagers can be lovely, charming, sweet, unkind, thoughtful, thoughtless -all at the same time. The teenage brain is still developing- don’t shut him out-try to keep him on board and show him the way:) it’s bloody hard work though- and it will try your patience:(