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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old son is mean.

164 replies

Fabulousdahlink · 26/09/2019 05:59

Birthdays christmas etc really important in our home. Son has money from savings and has a pt job. Failed to buy his sister a xmas gift, for my 50th only offered to buy the card whilst expecting 14yr sister to buy the gifts, now discovered he has not bought or paid glft or her birthday on sunday. Fornat is thr same each time...when asked if he has planned money for a gift says yes, sometimes lies and says he has ordered a gift ' but it hasnt arrived' or just plain expects the adults in his life me , dad, granny or aunty to buy a last minute gift so the person doesnt get left out...but he doesnt pay for shop for or pay back the money for the gift.

What do I do ? He knows it is not ok to treat people this way...but it is sfill a pattern. He's been told directly by the adults in his life its not ok. A bar of choc and 59p card from home bargains would be acceltable. He just doesnt give despite always being treated well on his own special days. We are supposed to be going out for dinner for his sisters birthday and I'm so disguted with him I dont want to go. However, that lunishes my daughter and will also hurt her feelings again if I tell her the reason why.

We've told him and given him options ( tell us and you can pay back the cost of the gift etc) but he still persists in not being responsible for his own gift giving to direct family ( sister, mum and dad)
Advice needed please mumsnetters.

OP posts:
FairiesontheSwing · 26/09/2019 09:05

Urgh not cool. Especially as he is not expected to buy anything expensive or even do the shopping himself. I would stop getting him things until he reciprocates. Its a bad quality to allow to persist into adulthood.

Boysey45 · 26/09/2019 09:05

I would talk to him about it, if he carries on like this then life will be very hard for him because no one likes a tight arse. I agree with the poster above why should it always be women who have to buy presents etc. Its important that men do as well I think.
It may just be that hes stuck on what to choose for the person etc. I'd find out on whats his thoughts were and go from there. If he just wanted to keep his money for himself then I'd not be getting him any further gifts etc.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/09/2019 09:07

For some people there can be a particular kind of panic that sets in when they are expected to buy a present. They are terrified of letting someone down, not 'spending enough' (in the eyes of others), disappointing the receiver - they are just paralysed with indecision.

Only you can know if your son has this personality type, or if he just 'can't be bothered'. Does he appear to love his sister otherwise? I've got two sons, one always buys gifts, the other one would send a grudging FB message if you were lucky. (Although I suspect the gift-giver trawls his sisters for ideas).

If he's otherwise a good brother, it may just be how he is. I don't think you can punish someone into giving presents (and I'm not sure how ethical that would be, anyway).

Crockof · 26/09/2019 09:10

So you should only give gifts to receive in return? That's not how gift giving works in my world.
I can not understand why a card for anything is so important.

Teddybear45 · 26/09/2019 09:10

Honestly at 14 and 16 you need to teach both your kids the societal expectations including gift giving, and that it definitely starts at home and it’s reciprocal. Leave him at home for your DD’s special birthday dinner and make it clear why. Then tell your DD not to buy presents for him as he didn’t do so for her.

Fatshedra · 26/09/2019 09:12

IM an oldie - no men made an effort with presents in my lifeit was all up to the wives, so some followed expectations of females, some didn't.
I would let the DD learn that some give presents and some don't, she needs to get over the guilt and sadness she feels when she doesn't give to her DB, or she needs to accept that she can't expect one in return.
I would say teens are pretty disinterested in others' celebrations.

ravenshope · 26/09/2019 09:22

Does he actually want to celebrate his own birthday? Or does he think it's meaningless for him too, but goes along with the expectations because it's what your family does and he doesn't want to seem ungrateful?

Wehttam · 26/09/2019 09:23

OP simply stop buying him birthdays and Christmas presents and encourage his sister to do the same. You reap what you sow and whilst it is a little tit for tat it’s a lesson he needs to learn that it’s not what you give but the thought behind it. He’ll soon learn.

meccacos2 · 26/09/2019 09:24

He is only 16 and shouldn’t be expected to buy gifts. Further, you should not buy for him and tell the recipient it was for him.

Him lying about a gift yet to arrive is asshole behaviour.

You even thinking of punishing your daughter because your son is cheap is weird.

I dated a guy who was cheap, didn’t buy for his family but got upset on Christmas Day when he didn’t have anything to unwrap.

WonderWomansSpin · 26/09/2019 09:26

C8 I see your point but I don't agree with it. For one, did the OP say they were female? Any parent of either sex can micro-manage. It's about teaching the DS that he doesn't get to opt out because he's male and if that means 'teaching' him why it's important and accompanying him until he proves capable of doing it on his own, then that's the same way we teach any other skill. It's not about doing it for him. It's the opposite of that.

Buyitinbamboo · 26/09/2019 09:30

Absolutely do not buy gifts on his behalf. This will continue until some poor woman ends up marrying him and taking that responsibility over.

Notajogger · 26/09/2019 09:32

Stop bailing him out then? Stop buying things on his behalf for others and tell those others not to get him anything. Insist he pay you/others back for the times you’ve done it for him. You’re enabling him so of course he’s going to continue doing it.

This seems like the best option.

Also, I'd get your husband to "deal" with this (in whichever way you both choose) - whether that's taking him out shopping or whatever - to try and prevent ingraining the "presents are the woman's responsibility" mindset which he seems to potentially be developing!

formerbabe · 26/09/2019 09:35

Yabvu

He's 16...at that age I was never expected to buy gifts for extended family....even buying a gift for a sibling is probably not necessary at that age.

As for you? Getting upset because your school age child didn't buy you a birthday present? Get a grip.

A card with a thoughtful message is perfectly adequate.

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2019 09:36

I'm also a bit surprised by this. I never expected gifts from my daughter at this age, a card, yes, a birthday or Xmas wish yes, but not a gift.

For her friends yes, gifts, but there was no need for us to buy us gifts. Societal expectations can be met with friends,partners, but for us, at this age, I made it clear no gifts were required.

Juells · 26/09/2019 09:38

I wouldn't be surprised if he started making tacky gifts. I had a BF who did this - for Christmas I bought him a really expensive sweater, and when I opened his present it was something he'd made 😂 When I said "WTF is this?" he told me he'd made gifts for everyone on his list, always had, because 'people like getting a personal gift that I've put time into'. I said "no, people know you're too stingy to spend money on a proper present, and they're too polite to tell you". That was the end of that romance.

The OP's son probably sees it as 'being careful with money'. As long as he finds a partner who's equally careful he'll be fine.

ColaFreezePop · 26/09/2019 09:38

I noticed OP you said they are important in our home - well clearly they aren't important to your son. What you should take more seriously than him not buying presents and cards is his lies.

The lies are not acceptable.

If he doesn't want to buy cards and presents leave him out but don't put up with the lying.

Oh and I'm bad at buying cards and presents. It has to be learnt - by some people - and that's often due to experiences what is best when.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/09/2019 09:40

Any parent of either sex can micro-manage. It's about teaching the DS that he doesn't get to opt out because he's male

And yet every time it comes up here its the female parent doing the worrying and the micromanaging.

He is 16 not 6. He works and has his own money and can't even buy a birthday card? At 16 the message needs to be stronger than gentle micromanaging - it needs to be closer to a kick up the backside.

The OP has made clear its not about the amount of money spent, a simple card/gift would be enough. He just doesn't care enough even to do that.

These threads are invariably about men and boys and the excuses being made for them. They are too young, they have hormones, they have vair busy jobs, their mothers didn't teach them. He needs to pull his socks up, set a calendar and budget to spend a few quid a year on birthday cards.

MaybeNew · 26/09/2019 09:43

I think you’re being unfair here. Your DS is a child and should be given presents from his parents just like other children in the family.

You do need to talk to him about how he celebrates other people’s birthdays. We have a rule that a card is always given (preferably home made when the DC were small) and that it is nice to give a gift to certain people, for us that is siblings and parents.

I don’t expect anything else up until the DC are full time earning money. In fact we put a £5 limit on all presents bought by DC. They have taught themselves to make various sweets and biscuits, so buy their ingredients and do that.

I pay for gifts for their friends’ birthdays because their pocket money is limited and for specific things. I don’t want them spending their savings on presents.

And I don’t encourage pointless buying. A cheap bar of chocolate does not show any thought and it’s silly to pretend that it does.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/09/2019 09:43

What other families do gift card wise is not the point here. In the OPs family and many others teenagers do buy their own (small) gifts and cards.

Rachelover60 · 26/09/2019 09:48

What custardcream lover said on first page.

Please do tell him he is being mean because he is! He's a bit young to be stingy too.

Mamabear144 · 26/09/2019 09:49

My brother has always been like this, he always expected me to save up and get him a fab present and then would get my mam to get me a present, he still has no idea how to get cards, he thought it would be funny to buy my step dad a "deepest sympathy" card for father's day and we had to make him get a different one as my step dad was grieving the loss of his father. He gets grown men a birthday card for a 4 year old girl. Recently he has started to cop on and actually asks for advice on presents and what to get people. He is nearly 23 though. Unfortunately I think its just a matter of when they decide to grow up. I don't think it's anything personal to the people around him I think it's just immaturity and not being bothered.

TatianaLarina · 26/09/2019 09:49

Just don’t buy him any presents. Then he will learn what it’s like to be on the receiving end of his own behaviour.

My father has always been shit with presents, yet is put out if presents to him are not on point. Don’t let him turn into my dad.

lesleyw1953 · 26/09/2019 09:50

Charge him more for his keep and recycle the cash!

79andnotout · 26/09/2019 09:51

He should be allowed to make his own choices on this. He's earning the money, so if he doesn't want to spend it on gifts, that's his choice. If it means people are upset, that's something he needs to navigate himself emotionally.