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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of men :S

246 replies

HelpImEnvious · 25/09/2019 23:04

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

OP posts:
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6
OkayGo · 25/09/2019 23:08

I get it, op, I really do.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 25/09/2019 23:19

I read something today that I was shocked when I realised it made a lot of sense.

Women's liberation didn't allow women to get full time jobs, it sent them out to get a full time job on top of the full time jobs they also have at home.

And yes, I sometimes envy my husband. No periods, bloating, PMS, acne, menstrual migraines, having to buy sanpro... day 1 of the month is exactly the same as day 28 to him. Nothing changes.

IAmALazyArse · 25/09/2019 23:21

I get what you mean, but I have to disagree with this point
They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves
3/4 of suicides in UK were men and it's rising. Sadly there is a massive societal pressure to "stop being a whimp and man up".

Sorry for ruining your well deserved moan though

taytosandwich · 25/09/2019 23:24

'I read something today that I was shocked when I realised it made a lot of sense.

Women's liberation didn't allow women to get full time jobs, it sent them out to get a full time job on top of the full time jobs they also have at home.'

It isn't women's fault though, that men aren't doing their share at home. This is more encouragement for women to blame women, those evil feminists creating double the work for us. No, it's men not doing their part at home that creates double the work.

IceCreamConewithaflake · 25/09/2019 23:24

I think boys and girls are equally pressured to be nice and that's a good thing. Why would you not encourage everyone to be nice? Do you mean we should encourage girls to be nasty?
I loved being pregnant and giving birth and I think lots of men would love to experience that.
I got to give up work for a few years and I now get to work part time following the birth of my children. My poor husband has had to work full time all the way though and I am very grateful to him that he does that for us.
I got to breastfeed all my children which was something my husband can never experience.
I think men are justified in being jealous of women too.
Mumsnet can be so anti men.

PicsInRed · 25/09/2019 23:25

YANBU.

PicsInRed · 25/09/2019 23:28

Never forget though, men want to be with us, we get to BE us.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 23:29

I'm not. Any more.

I used to be until I had a kid and then booted my husband out and now support myself and my kid and have a far better life on my own without one.

And, the extension, how tough and bright we are and that we are able to do two jobs better than most of them can do even one, even with all the societal pressure and restrictions we have on us. And how far we've bloody well come.

And that after they hit middle age they get all scared and set in their ways and need to be mothered while we blossom and get out there and do all the stuff they tried to hold us back from doing when we were at home looking after their kids and cleaning their house.

And that we rock, generally, and that I'm so grateful not to be one of them. They're all right, and I love some of them to bits but there's no way in hell I'd trade my life for a man's.

Likethebattle · 25/09/2019 23:30

They get puberty but women get a second massive hormonal change and men don’t. They can pee anywhere pretty much, sex for them is much better ( one bloke told me that orgasm for him felt like his world was tilting upside down. Yes it’s nice but not as intense). They have easy comfy clothes and shoes, they have proper pockets, they are genetically stronger and my DH has a sickeningly perfect backside....it’s just different and it seems they have things slightly easier as it’s a world designed by men for men.

VaggieMight · 25/09/2019 23:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 25/09/2019 23:33

@taytosandwich I didn't say that women's lib was a bad thing, just the result wasn't what we should have got. It's terribly sad that women's Liberation didn't result in a change of men's roles to equalise the expectations.

It's appalling that a man gets praise and a pat on the back for being a single dad but women get put down for it. Many men still get a cheer for "babysitting" their own kids. Crazy.

generalgibbon · 25/09/2019 23:37

A very valid point from IAmALazyArse.

I don't envy men at all.

Don't like footy or rugby? You must be gay!
Not interested in 'pulling the birds'? You must be gay!
Oh, you're a nurse are you? You must be gay!
Work with children, a nursery practitioner or primary teacher? You must be a paedo!
Can't come to the pub because you're minding the kids? You're under the thumb!
Your wife punched you in the face? What did you do to deserve that?

I reckon being a decent man in the company of non-decent men must be bloody awful.

SherbetSaucer · 25/09/2019 23:40

A good chunk of that stuff is optional. Women don’t have to do any of it. I genuinely don’t think having children is worth the struggle.

JasBBGG · 25/09/2019 23:40

I agree. Also how at work you can repeatedly say things and be ignored and a man says it and hey it's fact!
They also don't ruin their bodies via childbirth, have to endure hormonal contraception fucking up their moods and have some of the most under diagnosed diseases.

RubbingHimSourly · 25/09/2019 23:43

Men have it so cushy 3 out of every 4 suicides will be men. I don't think they have everything cushy at all.

which1 · 25/09/2019 23:44

99.9% I'll never have a child but if I were to have one I would hope to God it'd be a boy.
Females really do get the short end of the straw and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

blueshoes · 25/09/2019 23:46

Easy to be a man if you are successful. It sucks (and it is worse than being a woman) if you are not.

BadLad · 25/09/2019 23:47

sex for them is much better

Nobody can know this.

IAmALazyArse · 25/09/2019 23:51

Man throws something at a woman. Abusive bastard.
Woman throws something at mam. He surely deserved it🤷

I am not jealous of men at all. I've recently saw on a TV a man talking about how he spiraled into depression because he was a failure because he lost his job and thus failed to provide for the family like the man should. It was really sad.

I think both sides have a shit deal tbh.

AgeLikeWine · 25/09/2019 23:51

“They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding”

Nobody does.

In developed societies in the 21st century, having children is not compulsory. Motherhood is a lifestyle choice. Like all such choices, it comes with associated consequences. If you don’t want those consequences, don’t choose to have children.

Skittlesandbeer · 25/09/2019 23:52

Your post reminds me of the epic speech Kristen Scott Thomas makes in Fleabag. Somehow it’s comforting and positive to me:

“Women are born with pain built in,” she says. “It’s our physical destiny: period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives, men don’t.

“They have to seek it out, they invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. And then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other and when there aren’t any wars they can play rugby.

“We have it all going on in here inside, we have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes, the fing menopause comes, and it is the most wonderful fing thing in the world.

“And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get f*ing hot and no one cares, but then you’re free, no longer a slave, no longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person.”

chipsandgin · 25/09/2019 23:58

I kind of get it - my menopausal body is seriously faulty & men don’t have to put up with any of that shit! However I loved being the one who made and breastfed our babies; I felt incredibly lucky & awesome, it’s a bloody amazing thing!

I also think that society has a skewed expectation of men, (although thankfully it is changing) to be ‘strong’ and not show emotion & “They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves” has never applied to me IMO, I’ve always been ‘me’, been as successful in a predominantly male profession, never felt pressure to be ‘nice’ or not be myself - I’m just myself and think fuck anyone who doesn’t like it, so don’t really get that!

Women are capable of being or doing most things men are, but men can’t ever do the things we can (they should be envious of the making people part & feel fucking lucky they don’t have to suffer the peri-menopausal tsunami periods tbh).

I’m a long way out of the woods in terms of the sacrifices you are making & don’t want to minimise it - I just ultimately feel (in retrospect) that the stuff you are doing now is something I wouldn’t have missed for the world; despite it being an endurance event at the time. I think they should be jealous of us (except the tsunami periods, that is definitely something I could do without...) - as Beyoncé said ‘girls rule the world’ after all!!

OunceOfFlounce · 25/09/2019 23:59

While more men kill themselves, I think more women than men attempt suicide...so I don't think that's a helpful measure.

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 00:01

This really isn’t an attempt at Male bashing it’s just causing me serious resentment and making it harder for me to be content when I see DH having full control of his time and energy and body and social life and I don’t.

Yes it is a “choice” I made but a necessary one else I would suffer mum guilt. Such difficult choice isn’t given to men..

Choose between being a parent or having a life.

Choose between having your baby nourished or your sleep.

Theres only so much that you can divide, but I do think mothers on average have it much harder just so they can do a decent job.

I don’t think parenting is naturally 50/50. Emotionally and physically and mentally mothers tend to do the lions share purely because of biological facts of being the one bearing the child and producing it and being the only one able to breastfeed it.. and the repercussions of that is she ends up developing mum guilt and naturally picking up slack to do the most for her darling who she suffered so much for as a a result.

Just an observation.

But I think 50/50 parenting is theoretical. Even if chores are split 50/50, the mothers life still suffered the bigger hit.

I feel like I need my DH to acknowledge that and give me a trophy before I stop resenting him Grin

OP posts:
MelonSlice · 26/09/2019 00:10

While more men kill themselves, I think more women than men attempt suicide...so I don't think that's a helpful measure.

That's not true at all.