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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be jealous of men :S

246 replies

HelpImEnvious · 25/09/2019 23:04

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 15:19

Well I seem to agree to disagree with the notion that it’s luxury. To me it’s the more difficult “choice”. As explained previously which you seem to constantly dismiss.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 15:25

Well I seem to agree to disagree with the notion that it’s luxury. To me it’s the more difficult “choice”. As explained previously which you seem to constantly dismiss.

Disagreeing is not the same as dismissing. Happy to discuss this further with you. Why do you feel it is more difficult for a woman to be able to afford to spend her entire pregnancy at home when a lot of other women have to work full time during their pregnancies for financial reasons? I honestly don't understand how being at home, while heavily pregnant is a more difficult choice than having to work full time, while heavily pregnant. But I am happy to be enlightened.

Also, you haven't answered why you keep saying "choice"?

IAmALazyArse · 26/09/2019 15:26

Chair of the Parole Board who resigned over the John Worboys scandal, and has a series of failed public positions behind him, has a third in English Lit from Hull University, yet is employed as, I kid you not, a "Professor of Law in Criminal Justice at the Royal Holloway University, London".

Could you explain bit further about his failed public positions and how he then managed to get CBE and 2 honorary doctorates? You seem to know a lot about him, since you are putting him as an example of man getting jobs they aren't qualified for?

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 15:39

GreytExpectations

I’m struggling to see your argument in anyway but a diversion from this thread. This is about vulnerabilities of women as opposed to men in the society we live in. Not about SAHM against working mums whatsoever.

I’m not hoping to re invent the wheel. That debate has been done to death.

I chose to be at home for reasons that work for our family. It’s a valid choice if you consider yourself a true feminist. And I resent the fact that unlike men who can make their own choices, I’m told by people like you that I should thank my lucky stars that I don’t have it harder. And have my struggles completely dismissed.

Some pp suggested that men don’t have the choices I’m talking about. That’s the debate I’m hoping to engage in. Not a debate that pits women’s choices against each other.

I also think that working mums have it very hard compared to men. Especially in the early years. I would still most likely resent that very much.

Not interested in a competition of which category of women have it harder.

In a broader sense, biology does compromise mothers whether she is SAHM or working. And that should be acknowledged. And some choices come with associated further compromises, which should be acknowledged.

Dismissing them is serving misogyny in my opinion. Or helping one category of women over the other.

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 15:48

I chose to be at home for reasons that work for our family.

there you go, that is exactly what the luxury is, your choice. No one is attacking your choice btw, not on this thread, just pointing out that you cannot say that others have it harder when it's you who has the choice.

I resent the fact that unlike men who can make their own choices
can a father decide to stay at home if his partner refuses to go to work? Could you own partner tells you he's staying home and you go back to work when you baby is 3 months old? (which is a reasonable time)?
You already said you don't agree with that!

And about fathers, I know a couple of SAHD and a very dear friend of mine has been a widower since his baby was around 6 months old. The way they are treated is shit frankly: women refusing any male presence in a "mothers meeting", women who made it very clear that a man wasn't welcome. I understand the reluctance of a male presence in a breastfeeding group, but excluding fathers in a parental group is just wrong.
Look at how many posters suddenly get outraged if a MAN dares being on MN!

I have seen it myself, even DH got tutted at for daring to go to a baby weight clinic Hmm

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 15:54

OP, how am I creating a diversion by simply responding to statements you are making on your thread? You are the one who said staying home for an entire pregnancy is harder than being at work full time but yet when I ask you to explain further you refuse. You can#t expect to hold a discussion on the topic if you avoid answering to posters who disagree with you.

Some pp suggested that men don’t have the choices I’m talking about.

Yes, men often feel society pressure to not be a stay at home parent and then they also feel spousal pressure when a mother thinks only she can be primary caregiver as sadly this also happens too. The point me and other PPs are making is that women need to get away from the mindset of think the choices they made were forced upon them as I don't see it like that.

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 16:04

GreytExpectations

It’s the harder choice for ME.. a working me vs a stay at home me... stay at home is harder for ME.

But it’s better Overall for our family.

I’m not saying working mums have it easier. Each to their circumstances !

OP posts:
mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 16:12

If you think you'd be happier going back to work, why not start thinking about how you'll facilitate that return, with a view to applying when your new baby is 9 or 12 months? You could apply for PT work if you don't want to go FT. You say it's better for the family for you to stay home, but it sounds like neither your husband nor you actually want this, and as we all know happy parents make for happy children. Being aware that you at least have options or that there's a change ahead might make the newborn phase more enjoyable. I hope you have a lovely time with your new baby either way.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 16:26

stay at home is harder for ME.

But it’s better Overall for our family.

if you are so unhappy and reluctant to do it, I doubt it.

To be honest, when children are little is the easiest time to work - nurseries are open for long hours and pretty much all year round (or you can have a nanny or childminder).
When they start school, have shorter hours and holidays is when it gets more tricky and you have to juggle childcare and cover!

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 16:31

It’s the harder choice for ME.. a working me vs a stay at home me... stay at home is harder for ME.

Yes, but when making bold statements such as men having is easier and women having no choice you have to look at the wider picture, not just your own experience as that doesn't really help discuss the issue as a whole. Plus you are backtracking as you did not say that it was just about you in your post. You said it's "not a luxury", implying that's the case for everyone.

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 16:34

If being at home is so difficult for you then why don't you consider going back to work?

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 16:36

Yes I insist that it’s not a luxury for the majority of cases. You are generalising by assuming it is, and that most working women doing it because they have to. Many working women are doing it because they want to. So again, being a luxury is
subjective. So no, it’s not a luxury. I don’t actually see it as luxury unless someone has a cleaner and a nanny and sitting at home enjoying spare . Spare time is luxury. Just like spare cash is.

Again this is descending into another debate.

OP posts:
magento · 26/09/2019 16:38

I hate people saying stay at home is a luxury. We chose a smaller house , smaller mortgage. It's a choice. I don't get to
Relax in luxury all day. Everyone has a choice. Everyone no matter what they say sorry. Unless you have a huge debt to repay and you're forced to work. It annoys me paying nice for some etc.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 16:41

I hate people saying stay at home is a luxury.
no, people are saying that having the CHOICE is a luxury.

Of course not everybody has a choice one way or another! Your salary, job, support network, it all comes into account.

DecomposingComposers · 26/09/2019 16:42

So societal expectations play no part in the fact that most women sport a long faffy haircut and most men a short hassle free one?

Most women have long hair? Do they? I don't think that's true at all.

How weak must your arguments be that you have to resort to just making things up?

As women we have choices to make. There will be pros and cons to each decision - just the same for men.

You have to.ownbthe decisions that you make. Stop passing the buck and blaming society or men for you not liking the consequences of decisions that you made.

If you hate the effects of pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding on your body op why on earth would you have a 2nd child?

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 16:43

I am considering going back to work when my newborn is 1. I’ve always considered going back to work and looked for options. However that is if it will be financially viable for us as a family. However my aim is to try get back to work ASAP.

I was a similar earner to DH before I had to leave work. Biology comprimised me. I’m now far behind. I’m envious. It’s not a luxury. That’s the point.

He needs to see that. And so do many pp.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 16:45

You are generalising by assuming it is, and that most working women doing it because they have to

I said some, not all. Only generalising happening is you. And I don't think being a stay at home parent is luxury- I never once said that and those who think I did should reread my posts. I said staying at home for the duration of an entire pregnancy is a luxury in the sense that you get the choice to do it. That exact choice is what you keep suggesting makes your life harder than your Dhs. All of the things you complain about you chose them at your own free will. So, yes the life you live can be considered a luxury simply because you have choices and options where as that isn't always the case for other people. Seeing as it's so hard for you why don't you consider returning to work?

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 16:48

no, people are saying that having the CHOICE is a luxury.

^this 10000%

*Biology comprimised me. I’m now far behind. I’m envious. It’s not a luxury. That’s the point.

He needs to see that. And so do many pp.*

No, your choices is what compromised you and caused you to fall behind. You need to see that and stop blaming you DH, men and society for life choices you made.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 16:49

it's perfectly possible to have a baby, go back to work quickly and not put a huge stop on your career.

Dame Helena Morrissey is an exceptional individual, pretty sure we can all agree on that. Without going that far, I can see very successful and senior mothers every day.

Nothing wrong with wanting a career or to be a SAHM for a few years, it's just a personal choice and when you have it it's a luxury.

Part-time work, retraining, getting further qualification during your maternity leave.. it's up to you.

DecomposingComposers · 26/09/2019 16:59

Biology comprimised me

No.it didn't. Your choices compromised you.

Why choose to be a SAHM if you didn't want to be?

Why have another child if what you wanted was to get back to work?

Why now decide that you'll have to wait until 2nd child is 1 before going back to work if you are so unhappy?

None of those decisions have been forced upon you. They aren't law. You chose to do these things and now you're claiming to be a martyr based on the decisions that you made.

Up thread you've said that your DH supports you being a SAHM or a WOHM so you can do whatever you want. You ve chosen to stay at home but seem to be blaming men and society for your choice.

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 17:26

None of those decisions have been forced upon you. They aren't law. You chose to do these things and now you're claiming to be a martyr based on the decisions that you made.

This. Don't blame society, men or biology for your choices. It's an insult to those who don't get to have those choices.

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 17:31

GreytExpectations

I think while I’m envious of men, you are envious of SAHM and should start your own thread.

How do u know the decisions weren’t forced upon me by circumstances and biology ?!

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 17:33

I think while I’m envious of men, you are envious of SAHM and should start your own thread.

how rude.
How do you know this poster is not a SAHM anyway?

GreytExpectations · 26/09/2019 17:35

*I think while I’m envious of men, you are envious of SAHM and should start your own thread.

How do u know the decisions weren’t forced upon me by circumstances and biology ?!*

This made me laugh. I'm not envious at all but you clearly seem to be missing the point and instead actually answering questions and having a discussion you try to act like I'm derailing the thread. Oh and once again, I'm talking about choice here, not actual SAHM.

so who forced you to get pregnant, keep that pregnancy, give birth and breast feed? Certainly not biology.

QualCheckBot · 26/09/2019 17:55

How do you know this poster is not a SAHM anyway?

Because in this instance, they would be a SAHD.

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