To be jealous of men :S

[HelpImEnvious]

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

isn't she allowed to like sparkly things and how is that making her inferior?

There’s nothing inherently wrong with sparkly things no but where do they lead?
The toys that boys receive are more likely to encourage being practical, independent and clever.

Actually there were studies on this. The best type of toy from an educational point of view was those that were considered “moderately masculine”.

Inferior/superior aside, it’s a question of cutting off one half of the population from things they might be interested in, that might benefit them.

And of course it works the other way for what might be considered “sissy” boys. They suffer too. But historically women have suffered more because they have been trained to be dependent not independent. Times are changing but it’s a legacy we’re dealing with.

And to be more complete in the answer it would have been very much frowned on at my place of work even if it was allowed - an example of society pressure counting against men just as it can count against women.

But again, your wife’s career would have struggled with a 9-month gap too, that’s not a men/women difference, it’s a primary/secondary carer one.

Thanks for your reply to that statement, interesting to see a POV. With regards to the courts though, I think again that is the result of society seeing parenting as a woman’s role ie the default. Do you think we’d see a change there if more men were the default childcare?

They are bought for her as presents. She may well like them. She may well like books on science but no one buys them for her so we will never know.

sorry, but why aren't YOU buying her science sets?

Of course kids can get their own interest. One of mine is football mad, none of the house is apart from him, never came from any of us. He discovered that at school I imagine.

I get your point that if a family keeps their daughter into "girly" everything, then she might not discover she loves science until school, but it's still not too late.

t's also true that some girls love pink and unicorns and rainbows without any input from their parents - I have got one!

A girl can be a pink sparkly scientist, my point was that a boy cannot.
So much easier to have girls who can have it all.

Inferior/superior aside, it’s a question of cutting off one half of the population from things they might be interested in, that might benefit them.

I honestly think that it's boys who are cut off things, whilst girls really aren't.

How many of you actually bought science kits and similar for your daughters or nieces? And dolls for your sons?

Ah. I am now getting sentimental remembering my fav toys😁
Like the one on (random google) pic. I am not an engineer, but gosh I spent YEARS with this type of toy. It had battery powered engines so the creations actually moved!

My kids come to either of us when ill or hurt. Probably more so their dad if they are vomiting as I really cant deal with it, or if they are up in the night because he is much more receptive to being woken up than me as I need my sleep more. Yesterday my toddler bumped her head and I was comforting her and she asked for daddy, I had to show her his photo to calm her down. It wasn't always like this though, I breastfed both for 18 months and although we shared paternity leave, I did the majority of it, and they always came to me first. As they have got older though and he has been able to spend more time with them (or equal time to me) that has gradually reversed. I've been ill recently so he has been doing more and it's now swung towards him.

When they are very small, they are often more attached to the mother but I think as they get older it is possible to change this.

I agree one parent looking after the boring bits while one plays with them isn't necessarily 'equal' parenting though it might work out time wise it could mean a different type of relationship with each of them

I'm not jealous of men. I think women rock. I love being a woman. But I am 💯 behind the rest of it. I resent the heck out of them. Don't want to do housework/childcare/fix something/give your wage no matter. The woman will pick up the slack because she can't let her kids suffer. Want to sleep til 5.not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Refuse to do Nappies/ night feeds? They can. Not that I would. I just hate the easy assumption. And then they say rest like we do. Take a chill. Like me. Um. I can't. I'm doing my stuff and picking up slack for you.
Men have an affair and haha well poor dears can't help it. Come home grumpy. Poor dears work so hard. Actually l work and raise tiny people and had 3 hours sleep but you bet if I snap he'll sulk for a week. He wants his mother to move in for a month then he'll make it happen. He's the Head who shouts dictates about things he doesn't know because he doesn't get his head out of his ass long enough to actually know what he's talking about

sorry, but why aren't YOU buying her science sets?

Lol. It would take an essay on the dynamics of my family to answer that question! I don’t want to subject you to that.

@MoodyBitch ..and y'know, strangely apart from my flushes there is er......no difference.

It’s not me you have to convince, it’s the logic of Science! Enjoy your day

What are privileges that women have that men don’t ? So I feel better??

Not shaving ? I fricking shave my body all the time, DH doesn’t shave facial hair so doesn’t apply.

Wearing ties ?? What a non issue honestly.

Men losing out after divorce? I’m not sure what you mean as my mum took a bigger hit after divorce than my dad and having kids in her custody as a primary carer meant her future relationships also suffered.

I get men are expected to “man up” but as women are now the biggest advocates for opposing misogyny I feel like they have a higher chance of being supported in being who they are than we do in a relationship.

Anyway I’m aware I’m coming from a sleepless unhealthy point of view in some parts of what I’m saying and that’s why im putting it out there.

I would like to be able to appreciate the things my DH does.. I just feel like I had a lot more recognition before I became a mother and after becoming a mother there is those restrictive sets of expectations that I have to consider in every step of the way, and while I usually defy them, but it is grating. I don’t feel much happens to his life once becoming a parent aside from having a grumpy wife.

The woman will pick up the slack because she can't let her kids suffer

but that seem to mean that all men are naturally shit fathers! There are more than enough dads who are just as dedicated as their wives, and - rarer I guess - some who are a lot MORE dedicated.

You post comes across like you are married with an arse, cheating and doing bugger all. it's unfair and untrue to put all the men in the same basket.

If a woman has an affair, lies to her kids about where she is, no one is saying that all mothers are unfaithful and lying?

It goes to a point where a man, and worst a teenager, cannot be in tears because he's upset, cannot be taken seriously if he's abused, and is laughed at for not being "a man". I have sons and daughters, I do get scared for them equally.

What are privileges that women have that men don’t ?

babies
can chose if stay at home, or back to work
have exactly the same rights and opportunities than a man, but can prefer "women only" everything.
We can have it both ways. I would hate to be a man.

There are pros to being a woman. Own it.

What are privileges that women have that men don’t ? So I feel better??

Well. For one big one, we can actually slap men in public and no one does anything except giggling 🤷

We are also much less likely to get prison sentence.

Men are not considered weirdoes when they don't want children....

As I said before. Both sides got a shit deal.

And to be more complete in the answer it would have been very much frowned on at my place of work even if it was allowed - an example of society pressure counting against men just as it can count against women.

To whichever male poster posted this as a man in the workplace you have a huge potential role in facilitating work flexibility and 'family-friendly' policies being extended to all members of staff regardless of their sex. I've done my share of campaigning etc, but I think it's very possible that DH, working at a senior level in a famously macho, male-dominated industry (lots of travelling, the majority of senior men with SAHM wives), has done more for the cause of workplace equality than I have ever done, in ending overrunning meetings at 6 and explicitly saying that it was because he needed to pick up his son from his childminder simply because it was a man saying it, and making a case for more effective use of work hours.

Ugh. Missed a sentence before the children point. On the other hand man are not considered weirdoes......

I think your dh is the problem and not men in general .

can chose if stay at home, or back to work

This is a misrepresentation. Rephrasing it as 'can choose whether to stay at home, thereby becoming dependent on another person's income, with considerable attendant risks, or go back to work, in a society where studies show that FT working women still do more than 70% of housework' might cut it.

I don’t need a man coming and telling me that I have a non issue. Or that my DH is unlucky. angry

OP, this attitude is hardly helpful to your own feelings or to the wider issue at fault. Women feeling resentment and jealousy towards men for biological things that nobody can control is what makes these issues worse. You choose to get pregnant and give birth you choose to breastfeed and you choose to take the full maternity leave and sacrifice your career.
Men have plenty of issues to with society pressure(it is harder for them to take time out of the career- in a lot of companies women are way more supported in this area than men are), high suicide rates, and yes if there is a divorce they do end up having to fight more in court for access to their child than the mum would. On top of that, they also have to deal with shite spouted out them from pretend feminists taking their anger out on men for things men cant control such as periods and the pain of childbirth. To get away from this patriarchal society we as women need to be working WITH men to tackle issues and find a way to equality, not attacking them and holding resentment. Things like sexual assault, rape, domestic abuse, pay gaps and women in STEM are all issues we face more so than men do and yes it makes sense to feel jealous about that but things are improving and there are a lot of men playing a part in helping the fight for equality. Again, the answer is not to lash out and "man hate". Its to actually make choices in life that YOU want .

Op, you need to work on your level of anger towards your DH. That can't possibly be healthy for a marriage and if you want to have a intelligent discussion about this subject, its quite immature to just shut down a man's opinion because you made choices in life that have caused you to feel jealousy towards men.

@help

At my work at least it is seen as much more acceptable to prioritise family time if you are a woman than if you are a man.

In general, I think that if you are a shy and sensitive man this is seen as very negative and it can be hard to make friends, whereas I think this is less of a problem for women with the same personality traits. This can be particularly challenging in certain social settings (eg stag dos).

As I have said, being a SAHD is challenging as a lot of groups are specifically aimed at women and men's participation is not encouraged.

Girls do better in school and uni than boys overall.

I think women on average look better in their 50s/60s - probably because they look after themselves better.

None of this excuses the sexism and misogyny that still exists towards women, and of course doesn't make a difference to any inequality in your marriage! I'd concentrate on your relationship on its own tbh, rather than trying to fit it into a bigger social picture.

magento

He really isn’t. He woke up this morning before me and cleaned up the kitchen and hoovered the house and let me breathe the nice scent of lavender oil. All this while I was in bed and he was late for work.

As I Said, I just resent that he is in control of his choices and time, and gets all the recognition and has little to prove.

It isn’t him. I love him dearly. But I just wish I had it this easy at this moment in time.

Also, like others, I see the ability to give birth and breastfeed as a positive, though both do cut down on your independence quite a bit.

GaudyNight exactly ! The choice isn’t really a choice is it!

@help - I wonder if you should think about going back to work. It is hard being stuck at home, and I definitely enjoy the liberty of going to work for the day. It does bring its own stresses - missing the baby mainly - but for me it's worth it.