Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of men :S

246 replies

HelpImEnvious · 25/09/2019 23:04

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 12:10

GaudyNight

it's a very narrow-minded way of seeing things. Portraying the women who decide to stay-at-home as victims is not helping.
Do you think the same as men who stay at home? Might be rarer, but some very high profile mothers have a stay at home husband, it's rarer but not exceptional.

SallyWD · 26/09/2019 12:11

I agree with what you say and my life changed a thousand times more when we had kids than my husband's. However, you know what - I'd much rather be a woman. I liked being pregnant, I enjoyed breastfeeding. Yes I gave up my job when my kids were small whilst my husband continued working work full time in his high pressurised job - but guess what? I felt sorry for him, not me. I wanted to stop working and be with the kids (thankfully we could afford it. I know many can't). I didn't want to work full time. I felt sad he had to continue working so much whilst I got to take the kids to parks and museums etc. It's true our lives are completely different since we had kids but I'd choose my life over his any day.

ImEnviousToo · 26/09/2019 12:12

Totally behind you OP! It totally sucks and I've been envious my whole life of what i missed out on!

To the person who opted out of periods, I only wish it was as easy as you made it sound. If the IUD you are talking about is the Mirena, it only totally stop periods in some women, certainly not all.

I don't buy the shaving argument either. Women are under pressure to shave many more places and additionally to maintain long head hair which is a complete faff to wash, style and maintain throughout the day. Give me the need to maintain a short beard and the freedom to have a short haircut over that any day.

To those saying they could have chosen not to have kids, well obviously. But if a women wants kids there is no way around permanently changing and damaging her body to varying degrees to do it.

There's so many more ways we have it shitty, mostly biological but many socially based too. Makes me depressed to think about really.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 12:13

The choice isn’t really a choice is it!

of course it's a choice. You chose to have children or not (both perfectly valid choice). You chose what happens to them re child care. Do you want to go back to work early, take a full year, stay at home, stay home until they start school, after... You and your husband have the exact same choice, once you are recovered from the birth obviously.

Wanting to cut down at work because you want to spend more times with your kids is just as good as deciding to concentrate on your career and sticking to the same work schedule.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 12:17

Women are under pressure to shave many more places and additionally to maintain long head hair which is a complete faff to wash, style and maintain throughout the day.

I give you the pressure of getting rid of your moustache, but really?

Don't invent pressure on women where there isn't one!

To be jealous of men :S
To be jealous of men :S
To be jealous of men :S
FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 12:19

Shamelessly putting this out here too even if not strictly relevant Grin

To be jealous of men :S
duckii · 26/09/2019 12:19

@HelpImEnvious so true! Spot on.

IAmALazyArse · 26/09/2019 12:25

@FrauHaribo April was a sad month

To be jealous of men :S
Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 12:26

Loving the username sis ImEnviousToo

OP posts:
Laraaussie · 26/09/2019 12:26

I don't envy men at all. I definitely wouldn't want to be one.

I'm sure it's great if you're successful, well off, have a wife on your arm. I certainly don't deny the sexism and inequality all around the world and even in the UK.

It isn't like that for all men though. Men have difference problems and pressures.

I think it's inevitable that pregnancy and childbirth effects women more, but really men should be pulling their weight when they're at home.

Pumperthepumper · 26/09/2019 12:29

I think it's very possible that DH, working at a senior level in a famously macho, male-dominated industry (lots of travelling, the majority of senior men with SAHM wives), has done more for the cause of workplace equality than I have ever done, in ending overrunning meetings at 6 and explicitly saying that it was because he needed to pick up his son from his childminder -- simply because it was a man saying it, and making a case for more effective use of work hours.

Absolutely this - I can’t tell you the difference it made in my last workplace having a (male) boss who took time off for childcare. He was considered an absolutely outstanding father right enough, but I’ll take that because it made our workplace so much better for parents.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 12:37

Portraying the women who decide to stay-at-home as victims is not helping. Do you think the same as men who stay at home? Might be rarer, but some very high profile mothers have a stay at home husband, it's rarer but not exceptional.

But is is exceptional, as you have just admitted. And I certainly did not say that SAHMs are 'victims', but they are, indubitably, dependent on someone else's income, while potentially losing skills/experience/pension contributions in their own field etc. I don't think there's any point in pretending it's a zero sum game. And the fact that exponentially more women than men make this decision demonstrates it's not a 'free' decision made in a vacuum, otherwise men would make it just as often.

Original poster
HelpImEnvious · 26/09/2019 12:37

Pumperthepumper

I guess naturally we reward efforts that go against the grain. A man making an effort that’s considered not common or against the “usual” will be easily acknowledged and hailed and recognized. Seen as a chauvinistic move.

A woman doing the same would be seen as selfish because it’s there to serve her cause and not a “compromise” like the man is doing.

Simply because misogyny is on the side of man. And it’s a choice for them to step away from it.. and get hailed as heroes.

It’s a need for us to step away from it and we get seen as self centered.

I guess I need to stop caring about what others think. But truth is our status and esteem does depend on it. Who are we kidding.

mauvaisereputation not an option atm, little newborn on the way and a breastfeeding toddler in the hand. Yes these were choices. While I factored in my biological fertility clock. Which men aren’t restricted by.

And putting my little toddler in nursery for a day brought him back to me bruised. I couldn’t handle it because besides my logic I am someone with maternal instincts who invested my flesh and blood in that child and i can’t get myself to see him hurt, while my “man up” husband, thinks he will get over it.

OP posts:
ImEnviousToo · 26/09/2019 12:38

Hehe thanks HelpImEnvious! Grin

FrauHaribo are you really saying there is no pressure for women to have long hair? You have shown a few celebrities with short hair styles. However in the real world for most women a short haircut just isn't considered attractive. I wish it wasn't the case, but I think it is.

IAmALazyArse · 26/09/2019 12:39

However in the real world for most women a short haircut just isn't considered attractive.
Hmm I don't know which world you live in...

magento · 26/09/2019 12:40

I love staying at home.

Drogosnextwife · 26/09/2019 12:40

Women's liberation didn't allow women to get full time jobs, it sent them out to get a full time job on top of the full time jobs they also have at home.

My mum said neay exactly this to me 2 nights ago, and I thought, yup!

mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 12:41

@help - well good luck with the birth. FWIW I went back to work at 6 months, and my husband took shared parental leave. Perhaps you could discuss that. Alternatively, look at going back at after 9 months or a year? I'd look at other nursery options if you aren't happy with the one you found. Even thinking about what your options are might leave you feeling a bit freer.

Drogosnextwife · 26/09/2019 12:42

But then my mum is also an inverted misogynist, she doesn't even realise it.

mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 12:46

@I'm envious - truly not trying to deny the pressure on women, but in my work the other day I listened to a bunch of blokes taking the piss behind the back of one of our male colleagues whose hair has reached a Beatles-ish length. IMO it's more acceptable for women to have a short/pixie cut than for men to have long hair, at least in certain circles.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 12:51

I guess naturally we reward efforts that go against the grain. A man making an effort that’s considered not common or against the “usual” will be easily acknowledged and hailed and recognized. Seen as a chauvinistic move

Actually DH got a load of criticism from male colleagues for being upfront about needing to pick up DS -- the details are too depressing to recall, but centred around how he must be henpecked/pussywhipped if his wife couldn't do the childminder run.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 12:51

However in the real world for most women a short haircut just isn't considered attractive.

all the female with short hair reading this will feel sooo good about themselves Hmm

ImEnviousToo · 26/09/2019 13:01

hmm I don't know which world you live in...

So societal expectations play no part in the fact that most women sport a long faffy haircut and most men a short hassle free one?

I'm glad you appear to be fine with being female but there are many of us that see how the other half live and cant help but be a bit envious.

I guess naturally we reward efforts that go against the grain. A man making an effort that’s considered not common or against the “usual” will be easily acknowledged and hailed and recognized. Seen as a chauvinistic move.

A woman doing the same would be seen as selfish because it’s there to serve her cause and not a “compromise” like the man is doing.

Simply because misogyny is on the side of man. And it’s a choice for them to step away from it.. and get hailed as heroes.

It’s a need for us to step away from it and we get seen as self centered.

I guess I need to stop caring about what others think. But truth is our status and esteem does depend on it. Who are we kidding.

Well put!

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 13:04

So societal expectations play no part in the fact that most women sport a long faffy haircut and most men a short hassle free one?

as it socially more than acceptable to wear short hair for a woman, I'd say it's either a personal choice or a self-inflicted pressure!

On the note of hair, is baldness more a male issue or do most women wear wigs to hide theirs? Genuine question.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 13:06

I'm glad you appear to be fine with being female but there are many of us that see how the other half live and cant help but be a bit envious.

I am in England, but I can't think of one thing I am envious or can't do that a man can.

Apologies, periods. Not having period would rock, but then again, I am glad I am the one who could carry babies (again, personal choice, I don't agree that a woman needs to have a child!)