To be jealous of men :S

[HelpImEnvious]

I’m so jealous of men.. including DH..

They don’t have as much society pressure to be nice and not be themselves

They don’t have so much biological changes just to become a parent

They don’t have to go through labour or pregnancy or the full time job of breastfeeding.. so their bodies don’t take a physical toll and don’t age

Their Careers and lives don’t take s hit when they deliver a baby

They don’t suffer mum guilt if they decide to pursue their lives.. because to them that’s normal.

To them age is grace and there is no biological clock... very carefree

I resent DH sleeping through the night while I have to get up breastfeed..

I love being a mum, always wanted to be, and want more kids, but It comes at such a huge cost that doesn’t seem to affect him as much.

I find myself snapping a lot because I feel annoyed at the changes I had to my social life and my career and my sleep and my overall life. Even though it was my choice.. because I feel it’s what best for my child. But I can’t help feel resentment :S

Whoops @Skittlesandbeer you are right and I am wrong! Hahaha.

Uh, @RubbingMeSourly quite clearly said women who attempt are doing it as a cry for help (what bloody help!?).

Just a thought maybe if suicide attempts were taken more seriously and people given help then we wouldn't be in the middle of a mental health crisis.

Don't like footy or rugby? You must be gay! Not interested in 'pulling the birds'? You must be gay! Oh, you're a nurse are you? You must be gay!

Yes it must be crap being a decent man among non-decent men, but you choose your friends. Women don't get to choose to opt out of menstruation and menopause, nor do they get to choose for men to give birth instead. Oh and they didn't choose to be treated like inferior, second-class citizens for millennia, and they don't choose to be raped and assaulted by their partners.

I did actually totally miss that post somehow

@lazylinguist
I opted out of periods.
Women can choose whether she wants to become pregnant or not.
Middle age isn't just confined to women. Sure many of us get hot flushes, but that's where the comparison ends really.

Sure many of us get hot flushes, but that's where the comparison ends really.

This is nonsense though. How did you opt out of periods? You either had an operation or you flooded your body with hormones to stop them. Hardly just deciding you weren’t going to bother.

YANBU. That's why I'm happy with the trade-off in my very traditional marriage. DH earns the money, I take care of the family (at the moment.) This means we are both coping. I have friends who are the main earner as well as 'the default parent' and while I admire their strength, I am not envious of their lives.

That Mumsnet trope 'never compromise on your career, always ensure you can sustain your lifestyle on your own income in case you get divorced' is a load of bollocks in my opinion. I don't want to have a career and run myself ragged while my children are small. I don't see why I should when DH can support us.

I opted out of periods.

Is that a thing??? How does that work?

The physical stuff is for real so I can agree with you there.

The Mum guilt is in your own head if you want to bow to societal pressure.

The making twice as much work is if you choose to mate with a man that is happy with this. Plus who doesn’t want less housework if we as individuals can avoid it who wouldn’t.

I have never had either of these worries. The major critics of my choices have been other women. I went on a ten day holiday when DS was five as I had a wedding abroad and as long haul it seemed daft not to stay for a while. One of my own sisters called me selfish right to my face. Their Father was perfectly capable of doing everything for ten days.

If your prepared to stick two fingers up to societal expectations it’s not so bad. I’m viewed as difficult by some and really it’s because I don’t just bow to what society thinks I as a woman should be like.

One of the perfect examples was that Boots advert when women are struggling on when ill. Women get angry about manflu and how they just carry on if they feel ill but I am straight to bed and won’t do anything. This obviously can’t apply to single parents and the majority are women but if you are in a partnership why would anyone struggle on when unwell.

@PapayaCoconut
I had the coil fitted almost 20 years ago. I've never had a period since, which was my intention.
I realise it's not an option for all women though.

I agree OP. I told my DP last week how easy it is to be a man and that if there is a next life, I want to be male

I don't know what ' mum guilt ' is.
Unless it's feeling a little guilty about kicking the kids chocolate 🤭

They also get to eat 500 more calories a day and drink 7 more units of alcohol a week. Also I think men get more praise for doing household stuff and everyone is less forgiving if is a woman who forgets things, eg cannot help but think that if a woman forgets mufti day at school or easier, she is more likely to be frowned on than a man if he made the same mistake. Also feel that women are just expected to cope and balance everything and put their families first without recognition

Nicking, not kicking.

I realise it's not an option for all women though.

So why pretend that the only difference in middle age between men and women is hot flushes?

I get where you are coming from op and i agree that in many ways men have it much easier, especially when it comes to raising children. But I love being a woman and a mum, I wouldn't give it up for anything.

They can’t do certain jobs without being accused of being a paedo. They can’t talk to children without being accused of being a paedo. Can’t go for a walk in the park without being accused of a paedo.

Also, being part time but his wife works full time? Cocklodger

Nah, not for me

Can’t go for a walk in the park without being accused of a paedo.

Don’t be so ridiculous

Not sure I agree with the premise of this thread tbh. I went back to work when my baby was 6 months. Her dad stays at home. To the extent my job is taking a back seat, it's just that I'm not chasing extra work/overtime etc. That's my choice, and certainly not one I regret. I've always shared household duties with my husband and I don't feel like I have to 'take charge' of our social life/emotional labour.

On men/women aging - I honestly don't agree that men age better than women. Men and women both look their age at 40/50/60. It's only if you decide that a woman is only beautiful if she looks 16 or 21 that this is a bad thing. Personally I don't buy into this.

It's obviously true that sexism exists. But you don't have to buy into it. And there's no law saying that women have to work fewer hours than men or do more housework.

I also agree that there are problems men face that women don't. If you are a shy and sensitive type, I think that socially it is a lot more challenging to be a man than a woman.

Hi OP

I see where you're coming from and it's easy to feel like this if you're still breastfeeding.

But there are negatives of being a man. No choice as to whether to continue a pregnancy. Having to go back to work after 2 weeks and leave your new baby, when often you're having no sleep (I breastfed but my husband would often do a bottle of expressed milk before they started refusing, or for random wake ups where they wouldn't need feeding woukd take them a walk in the sling or pram in the early hours). Dying earlier. Much higher rates of suicide. Everyone deferring to the mother on parenting decisions. Discrimination at work when you try and take shared parental leave. Or women not wanting to give up 'their' share of maternity leave to the father so they can bond. Children often closer to their mothers.

I am playing devils advocate because I'm not saying you dont have a point, but it can be 50 50. I think things are changing. There are more fathers at baby groups, nursery and school drop offs. There are more fathers working flexible or condensed hours or part time. I know a few families where both parents have gone part time so it has impacted on their careers equally. Or they have got nannies so both can focus on climbing the ladder. It is genuinely 50 50 in our house in terms of parenting, housework, everything.

I don’t feel at all like that. I think pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding to be incredible, empowering experiences which I wouldn’t have given up for the world! I pity my DH for never being able to experience the extraordinary feelings of an unborn baby moving, or childbirth, or the closeness I feel with my children while breastfeeding, and how at peace with the world and nature the whole thing makes me feel! I know that’s a super hippyish thing to say but I truly mean it. I honestly feel sad for men that they can’t experience this.

I don’t feel that as a woman I am expected to not be myself. I feel happy and confident to be myself. I actually feel like men have so much pressure to not be themselves - they must be strong, be quiet and brave, suffer in silence if they are struggling. I feel that as a woman it’s much easier to be honest when you’re down. Also, if you don’t feel like being nice as a woman, it’s almost celebrated! Women who are tough and stand up for themselves are often very respected for whereas men will be considered arrogant or rude.

I never had to choose between children and a career. I chose both and I enjoy both. I don’t feel ‘mum guilt’ for working - I feel like I’m doing an amazing job and it’s great for my children to see me and their father working hard and setting a good example.

Also I find parenting to be very much 50:50. My DH and I do have different roles, admittedly. I am the one DC wants when sick or sleepy or needing comfort. DH is the one DC wants when wanting to run around and play! This suits me very well - they’re both so energetic and can play together for hours! I can get on with housework etc while they’re playing, he can get on with cooking etc while I’m taking care of them. Whichever one of us has DC, the other one gets on with something that needs doing.

I’m not saying this to be smug, but I honestly think that if there is inequality in your life it’s almost easy to blame society, or nature, or whatever you think is to blame for the inequality. Actually there are inequalities in life but you can change them rather than feel sad and accept them. If you’re feeling ‘mum guilt’ I think it’s something you need to find the source of and work through because it’s a sad and unhealthy way to live - ridden with guilt for your decisions or for not being perfect or whatever. Trying to change your perspective or make small changes in the way you do things in your home can make the world of difference!

It's obviously true that sexism exists. But you don't have to buy into it.

Do the kids know that? When they walk into a toy store awash with sexist marketing do they know they don’t have to buy into it?

When my niece gets bought sparkly mirrors, tiaras and t-shirts telling her to be a fabulous unicorn whilst her brother gets bought science kits, cars and t-shirts telling him to be strong, adventurous and mischievous, does she know she doesn’t have to buy into it?

Or does she find out later when the damage is already done?

@Pumpetthepumper.
Because it is.
We go grey, get wrinkles and saggy chebs.
Men go grey, get wrinkles and saggy spuds.

coatless - huh well, my daughter is a bit young so I don't know how it's going to work, but going back to my childhood, my parents never allowed my sister and me to have Barbies/Polly Pocket/other pink stuff. We just had gender neutral toys- stuffed animals, science/magic kits, train sets etc. I remember once going to a friend's house and being jealous of a weird bust that you put make up on, but for the most part it just wasn't a big deal. My sister and I both ended up in careers we enjoy and equal relationships. I have a lot of female friends with similar. You can't insulate kids completely, but you can control quite a lot as a parent.