Friend using my dad as a GP service

[Littlejayx]

I need yet more life advice for a quite sensitive situation anybody wiser than me please help!

My friend of 15years+ has recently had a lovely baby boy who due to being quite premature spent a long time in SCBU. Due to my dad being a retired special care doctor offered to pop in and help her understand what was going on and make all the medical terms be a tad simpler as she has nobody else and seemed overwhelmed.

Anyway he spent a couple of hours there and thankfully the baby was discharged a month or so later. Everything wonderful and fine.

Now the problem, this friend is treating my dad like a GP. From the start my dad explained he was their to make the situation seem not as scary and cannot practice anymore and obviously can’t prescribe.
She is now dropping in at his house at least once a week asking if he’s okay and if he has a infection or cold or flu.

Each time she has been met with the ‘you Will have to check with your GP or health visitor I don’t practice anymore’ to which she comes bitching to me 😩.

She states the whole reason in asking him is then she doesn’t have to book in at the doctors and he would tell her if something looked seriously wrong.

I am too much of a wet wipe to do anything else than a firm please don’t ask him medical questions. She has been through a lot and doesn’t have any other family or friends and can be quite confrontational which I don’t have the brain to deal with.

Is she being unreasonable or just a worried over cautious mum?

Stop being such a "wet wipe" and tell her to stop being such a cheeky fucker. "My dad has told you he can't treat your child and you need to go to your own gp. Stop bothering him and stop bitching at me because you're not getting your way."

You friend sounds like a real twat.

Imo she's both. All first time mums are anxious and your dad supported her at a time when she needed it and she's trying to continue that. Lots of first time mums lack confidence and would rather someone tell them baby needs to see a doctor than waste their time over a cold or similar. I think I'd just explain that as your dad isn't practising anymore he's no longer insured or up to date on training so it's v important she trusts her amazing instincts and checks with a doctor or pharmacist when she feels unsure. Talk up how she's an amazing mum and knows what to do etc

You and your dad are going to have to get better at boundaries and quickly.

Perhaps tell her that your dad isn’t up to date with more recent developments in medicine and she would be better off going to the GP or pharmacist.

Tell her that LEGALLY he is not able to give her medical advice. If he did and was incorrect he would not want to be held liable for any problems. And repeat.

She sounds anxious and the stress of having her DC in SCBU has obviously taken it's toll.
Has she always been confrontational or is this a new side to her?

Well you can stand up for yourself and be firm or you can let her carry on hassling your dad? Your dad had been very kind and generous with his time for a friend of yours. The least you can do is face up to a bit of confrontation.

I'm surprised she hasn't got the message to be honest, but maybe she's just incredibly anxious. All new mums are, especially if baby has been in special care and been poorly. Does she have any support? I would be firm but gentle with her. Maybe she needs more guidance such as to ring the health visitor rather than call in on your dad. I'm not saying she's right but maybe she's struggling with some post partum anxiety.

@Wolfiefan I’ve said This many times and she’s just said it’s easier popping to his than waiting for a appointment.

He’s told her he can’t legally give her medical advice and he came to the hospital as he knew she was struggling understanding everything (due to lack of sleep and stress etc) and now he’s regretting his well intended actions.

The last time I saw her she questioned why he hasn’t returned her calls and I said he isn’t comfortable with the amount he’s being relied on for these things and it’s getting to him, she said she isn’t comfortable with the lack of help she’s getting so we all have problems.

I have told her how wonderful the HVs are in our area and they have no issue dealing with anything and will pop over to you if your worried about the doctors (bit of a germaphobe) she just nodded

She must not put him in this position. Someone must tell her

Ask her how is it easier if she doesn't get the answer she wants and has to ring the hv/gp anyway?

My own sister is a doctor and does the exact same thing, tells me to see his gp. I find they will always squeeze a baby in if you're worried.

Your dad sounds like he's capable of standing up for himself, just shut her down if she comes bitching to you.

She is being U, but you need to stop the wet wipe act so YABU too, not dealing with it and telling her to stop bothering your Dad!

Your poor Dad.

You need to be brutal here, OP. For his sake.

Don’t make it easier. He needs to block or screen his calls. He’s said he can’t legally help. If she keeps pestering then he needs to avoid speaking to her. She sounds either a horror or horribly anxious.

Cheeky cow, your dad shouldn’t have this pressure put on him. You need to stand up for your relative, forget about her feelings. She is taking the piss.

Littlejayx

The last time I saw her she questioned why he hasn’t returned her calls and I said he isn’t comfortable with the amount he’s being relied on for these things and it’s getting to him, she said she isn’t comfortable with the lack of help she’s getting so we all have problems.

Did she actually say those words?! Stop being a doormat OP. This woman is taking advantage of your father, and she's not even grateful for the help he gave her.

“My dad isn’t legally able to give you medical advice. Asking him medical questions is putting him in an awkward position. You can contact 101 (or visit a pharmacy) if you’re unsure if you should see the doctor.”

Winge winge

“I’m sorry you’re upset but..... my dad.... rinse repeat.

Incidentally a pharmacist will furnish her with a letter if they think someone should be seen by a doctor that same day.

Tell your Dad not answer her calls and to not answer the door to her.

Tell her not to intrude on him any more, she is abusing his kindness. Repeat until all involved are blue in the face.

she said she isn’t comfortable with the lack of help she’s getting so we all have problems

This comments makes her seem like a CF rather than a nervous first time mum, so time to treat her like a CF.

Having had children in PICU / NICU she is probably completely neurotic and paranoid (well, I was anyway). Your dad is an easy option, but yes he needs to stop being available to her. Any sign of PND?

You are under estimating the stress and PTSD that comes from having a baby that has spent significant time in SBCU. My DS was very sick as a baby and ended up in A&E 8 or 9 times before he was a year because of complications from the common cold (he was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease at age 11). It took many years before I didn't go into panic at the first signs of what seemed like a little cold to everyone else.
Some years ago I talked to a childhood friend who is a pediatrician who works with premature babies in SBCU. She said that it took on average two years for the parents to get over the trauma of their child being close to death for months, and years before they were calm enough enough to start treating the child without kid gloves.
My recommendation would be to try to help your good friend regulate her panic and emotion regarding her baby. A calm voice and a cup of tea and some help working through the symptoms calmly and rationally is what she needs rather than criticism regarding whether she should go to the GP or not.

I feel sorry for her. You dad sounds fine at keeping his boundaries though- I would just tell her you can’t add anything else. Don’t make up stuff about it being illegal etc, it will detract from the point that he can’t advise her for obvious reasons- he doesn’t have enough info and he doesn’t want to

You're dad essentially did you a favour by helping your friend. Because of that, he's been put in an unfair situation. It is your responsibility now to step up and insist that your friend stops contacting him.

Right I’ve just sent her a Facebook message. Thanks for telling me to un wet wipe:

“I’ve just spoken to dad and he’s said you have popped round today with because you wanted to see him for a catch up, he told me again you bombarded him with questions that he isn’t comfortable with answering, that he told you again he isn’t practicing and could get in trouble. If this is the only reason you are going to his house, don’t. He’s got enough on as you know so stop using him as a out of hours GP service. If you don’t want to take him to the doctors or explain to someone I will always come with you. Let’s just put a end to it now and it will be forgotten.”

And now I wait........