Friend using my dad as a GP service

[Littlejayx]

I need yet more life advice for a quite sensitive situation anybody wiser than me please help!

My friend of 15years+ has recently had a lovely baby boy who due to being quite premature spent a long time in SCBU. Due to my dad being a retired special care doctor offered to pop in and help her understand what was going on and make all the medical terms be a tad simpler as she has nobody else and seemed overwhelmed.

Anyway he spent a couple of hours there and thankfully the baby was discharged a month or so later. Everything wonderful and fine.

Now the problem, this friend is treating my dad like a GP. From the start my dad explained he was their to make the situation seem not as scary and cannot practice anymore and obviously can’t prescribe.
She is now dropping in at his house at least once a week asking if he’s okay and if he has a infection or cold or flu.

Each time she has been met with the ‘you Will have to check with your GP or health visitor I don’t practice anymore’ to which she comes bitching to me 😩.

She states the whole reason in asking him is then she doesn’t have to book in at the doctors and he would tell her if something looked seriously wrong.

I am too much of a wet wipe to do anything else than a firm please don’t ask him medical questions. She has been through a lot and doesn’t have any other family or friends and can be quite confrontational which I don’t have the brain to deal with.

Is she being unreasonable or just a worried over cautious mum?

Someone who makes it all about themselves all the time - 'we all have our problems' 'I'm wasting my time' - and who will not take no for an answer is no friend at all and you're better off without her in your life. Once you realise this, you can let go of the guilt.

Some people, sadly, just take take take and anything you offer is never enough.

I think it needs to be made clear to her (as someone else mentioned in a PP) that it is very important that her GP builds up a good medical history for her baby especially with winter approaching and a baby who has been in SCBU.

Have you explained just how much trouble your dad could get into OP?

You need to tell her that she needs to seek Gp of pharmacy advice and tell your dad to not be in when she needs advice

Your poor Dad. Awful position for him. Not only do you need to impress on your friend that what she is doing is putting your Dad in a very awkward position she is asking him to do something almost illegal ie expecting him to give health advice when he is no longer qualified or insured and she must stop. Impress on her she must be like every other parent and use the systems that are there eg health visitor, pharmacist, GP.

Your dad has gone above and beyond. She’s your friend - tell her to speak to her own dr or HV that your dad is retired and deserves peace and quiet not her incessant questions

Sorry OP but she is not a good friend to you.

You have written a very clear and kind msg to her and she can't handle it.

I think it would be best for you to keep a firm boundary. I doubt this is going to go well because her rudeness to you is well out of order.

My dad is not answering your calls as he is not your doctor. You need to contact your own/baby’s doctor/nurse/HV.

Would she attend a local HV baby group? She needs to meet other mums and ideally needs to talk about what she went through with SCBU with others who’ve experienced the same or similar. Good luck.

No good deed goes unpunished

She's a bit of a selfish cow! I can understand her worries, but I am gobsmacked that she has the audacity to bitch to you about your own DF! You really have to be firm here OP, tell her she cannot and will not be contacting DF again. Thats what health visitors and GP's are for.

I think your friend needs help.
She needs support and should talk to HV or GP or someone professional
She does possibly have PTSD but she can't keep relying on you or your dad.
She needs to build up a network of support for herself and her baby. Shame she is so alone.
Where is the dad? or is that not applicable?
Maybe she has a relative or someone in her life as she knew she was going to be a mum. What support was she expecting to have?

There is something missing here.....I understand she is using your Dad as an unpaid out of hours GP but why isn't there someone else involved who is also concerned for her and the baby?

Tell your dad to say I’ve no idea when she asks something. Or as a gp friend of mine did when presented with a cut hand: ooh that’s disgusting.

This may be a bit “urgh” but I’m wondering if she’s developed a bit of a crush on your dad - kind caring knowledgable man in authority etc who “turned up at the moment of need” as her saviour.

Like interpreting his support as “HE chose to come for ME” rather than it being a favour to you as her friend.

Aren’t police officers/doctors etc fairly vulnerable to this kind of thing?

Tbh in this case I’d be even warier if her - I think the block advice is pretty good. Or come out with some dull white lie like your dads ill or needs to visit his great aunt in Scotland indefinitely etc.

If you aren't like to be friends after this then I think you should tell her straight how disappointed you are in her behaviour and how she's taken advantage of a helping hand. You have nothing to lose.

Another doc here. Your dad is close to being over the line in relation to his professional practice. This is why I point blank refuse to "take a look" at anything. The minute you do this, you are establishing a doctor patient relationship ethically and legally.
Your dad knows this but more people need to be aware that we are simply not allowed to do this by our regulator or our insurers.

Glad your Dad has sense to ignore her repeated requests

Simply say, "if you are worried go and see your GP"

Over and over again.

Irrespective of 1st time mum/scbu issues her attitude is a disgrace.

Your dad gave her help in her time of need, it was a one time offer and you/he needs to be firmer with her. She may well be having problems but that does not give her the right to abuse other peoples good nature.

She is giving you every excuse in the book because she is just too lazy to access the help on offer and that's unacceptable.

Just tell her plain: my dad was happy to help initially but it was a one time offer as he is no longer practicing so you need to knock those visits on the head and let's see what we can do to get you the support you need. Let's make a list of things that are worrying and go from there.

Where are her family in this? You say they intimidate you but why aren't they supporting her?

I think there is something else going on here to do with her the friend having no-one else to turn to.

What happened ot the baby's Dad?
Why is she having a child when she has no-one to turn to?
If she is so confrontational that she drives people away it could be a MH that also needs addressing.
All of this points to how important it is that she builds a relationship with health professionals.
Another PP suggest she may have a crush on your DF and that could be. He would have made her feel safe and that is something she needs but not from your Dad!

I hope OP you can be kind to her and also back off for you and your family's sake..

She’s been so rude. I agree it sounds like time to drop her. She’s massively taking advantage of a kindness.

It is very normal to be overly worried about your baby especially if they had a difficult start to life. It is also normal not to want to bother your gp when you're not sure if you're being paranoid and it can be very difficult to get an appointment with a gp. This is why the NHS provides health visitors, clinics, the 111 service and pharmacists who can do an initial assessment and wouldn't hesitate to recommend gp or hospital if they felt it was necessary. I would stop recommending gp and explore different avenues.

You friend is encouraging him to break the law, because a doctor cannot interfere or even comment on another doctor's patient, even if he was not retired. It isn't done and your friend is wrong to pursue it. Suppose your father makes a comment innocently and it gets back to your friend's doctor. Your father could be up before the GMC. I think your friend is quite well aware of that and is causing trouble.

The fact that she carried on doing it repeatedly after you and your dad told her many times that he cannot treat her child or give medical advice is actually a bit stalky. I'm glad you've been up front with her, OP.

She’s a cheeky mare, I can see how it developed and how she trusts him for reassurance but once told that it’s not legal nor convenient for him, she should be mortified at the realisation that she’s been hassling him and back off immediately.
It is not his job nor responsibility to help her and as you so rightly say if he did miss anything she’d soon point the finger.
It is potentially dangerous for your dad to continue and he needs to say no, as do you - because it’s unethical and potentially dangerous to use him as a GP.

I would tell her to stop as should your Dad.