Friend using my dad as a GP service

[Littlejayx]

I need yet more life advice for a quite sensitive situation anybody wiser than me please help!

My friend of 15years+ has recently had a lovely baby boy who due to being quite premature spent a long time in SCBU. Due to my dad being a retired special care doctor offered to pop in and help her understand what was going on and make all the medical terms be a tad simpler as she has nobody else and seemed overwhelmed.

Anyway he spent a couple of hours there and thankfully the baby was discharged a month or so later. Everything wonderful and fine.

Now the problem, this friend is treating my dad like a GP. From the start my dad explained he was their to make the situation seem not as scary and cannot practice anymore and obviously can’t prescribe.
She is now dropping in at his house at least once a week asking if he’s okay and if he has a infection or cold or flu.

Each time she has been met with the ‘you Will have to check with your GP or health visitor I don’t practice anymore’ to which she comes bitching to me 😩.

She states the whole reason in asking him is then she doesn’t have to book in at the doctors and he would tell her if something looked seriously wrong.

I am too much of a wet wipe to do anything else than a firm please don’t ask him medical questions. She has been through a lot and doesn’t have any other family or friends and can be quite confrontational which I don’t have the brain to deal with.

Is she being unreasonable or just a worried over cautious mum?

I can understand why she is behaving the way she is. She is anxious because of what happened. However this does not give her the right to hound your dad. She needs to go to the GP and get help for her anxiety and possibly PND.

She's been so disrespectful and ungrateful towards your Dad. What a self absorbed drama llama.

OP,
Agree with other poster's. Someone this rude, entitled, and disrespectful of both your father's kindness and your support is likely to be a continuous source of stress.

The question is, do you need that stress?

💐

Well she is wasting her time if he can’t give her medical advice, especially as he told her from the start and she has been bitching about his responses before. She would actually be better off going to her GP instead.

My friend had a baby in SCBU for weeks. It has taken her two years to start relaxing a little. They have told her she has PTSD which is common when you have been through so much .

I think your dad confused the boundaries a bit by offering his "help " explaining stuff in neonatal. I can see how she can't see the difference when shes wanting his help now. However he cant give it and it sounds as though this has been accepted

I disagree redhelen. Her dad offered to go through the notes/explain situation.

That's completely different to asking him to examine the baby and give a diagnosis. I am a midwife and would often be asked to go though friends noted etc and I will translate it for them but if for example they wanted me to listen in to babies heartbeat at home or reassure them on something, I would advise them to go to their maternity hosp to get advice

I think you were horrible to her and a truly awful friend. She is well rid of you OP.

@SofiaAmes

I would agree with her and say that it is because your father can't help that it is better for her baby to go straight to someone who can. If she is really anxious (understandably) then that can also be dealt with by professionals (don't say that last bit to her). Maybe emphasise that you take your dc to the GP rather than your dad.

In terms of friends maybe you could get out and join some baby groups, there are lots of other parents out there to befriend without the drama.

As a doc here, she and you indirectly are jeopardizing your dad, retired or not.

Well done for telling her to do one. Honestly with friends like her, who needs enemies

@familyissue so you wouldn't listen for a heartbeat for eg. Is it because you are categorically not allowed to?

RedHelenB Can’t answer for the midwives, but certainly the GMC takes an extremely dim view of doctors treating their friends and family. It has tightened up on the significantly over the twenty year I’ve been a doctor.

More importantly, if OP’s dad is retired he will not have retained his licence to practise, meaning that although he used to be a doctor, legally he is not currently one and therefore cannot treat anyone, in the same way that a struck-off doctor can’t, or a random off the street can’t. He faces prosecution for practising medicine without a licence if he does. So no, he is not being unreasonable to tell his daughter’s pushy friend to eff off.

No good deed goes unpunished!

By treat do you mean say I think it could be eczema go to your gp and ask them?

@RedHelenB no I wouldn't because I could find a heartbeat but that doesn't mean baby isn't in distress.

I couldnt live with myself if something happened and the friend had felt reassured and not got seen properly.

Yes I'll give advice in general but not personally. If there is a complaint, I'd always say go get checked.

Let her stew. Your dad was kind to help but she has massively overstepped the mark since and she has no right to demand anything of you or your father. She needs to seek proper help for her child if she’s concerned. Her FB post would nail it for me.

By treat, I mean seeing somebody who I know is coming around my house expressly to avoid seeing their own healthcare team, and then opining on their child’s illness.

You are either examining the child and making a proper diagnosis (ie practising without a licence), or you are spouting off “without putting yourself in a position to properly assess the patient”, which is negligence.

You can’t say “looks like eczema” without looking at the rash, and the rest of the patient, and asking some questions of the parent, to exclude all the differentials. Lots of things look like eczema. So you’d be an idiot to do so especially when you know the mother is not going to seek the qualified medical advice you are suggesting. What are you going to do, document your advice in her Red Book? There’s no way to prove you told her to see seek medical advice, and you know she isn’t going to, so sensible to steer clear.

I would send her one more message:
I am not your enemy. But I am telling you that you are crossing a boundary by continuing to approach my Dad. He did you a favour by explaining medical terms and procedures, but is not in a position to offer any medical opinions on your baby. He is not licensed as practicing. We can be friends, up to you, but you need to recognise this boundary.

One more passive aggressive peep out of her; block and step back.

Sorry, missed your second update that she had messaged you.

Personally I would keep a safe distance from this woman.

On the one hand, just as a Grandmother and someone whose always been involved with Families, I get asked for advice from my DDs friends/neighbours etc.

However, her not going to her HV etc, is blocking them from seeing the extent of her anxiety. I've had to contact one of my DD's friends HV because her anxiety was blocking her child's development.

What she is doing is responding to the trauma she's been through. She doesn't deserve the insults she's had on here.

Hopefully she'll come to see that you're all acting out of a place of care, but it might not be soon.

You've all acted correctly, but trt not to carry on making fun of her for her FB posts. If she is a friend, that is, but just out of decency, have some understanding.

Sounds like the Dad has been clear and consistent in refusing to see/assess/treat the baby, it’s the friend who won’t take No for an answer from him and seems to think it’s OK to badmouth him to OP. I would guess this is meant to put pressure on OP to put pressure on her Dad to change his mind.

Steady as you go, OP. Your Dad can’t and won’t give medical advice, you don’t have to listen to her complaints, you can be friends (if you want to) as long as that subject is off the table.

@SofiaAmes are you OP's 'friend'?