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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that we shouldn’t have to pay MIL back

273 replies

Alohabelle · 25/09/2019 08:37

DH and I have a dog (let’s call him Hector) which MIL looks after for two days in the week when I’m at work (I’m part time). This arrangement came about because MIL offered. She had recently retired at 55 and had intended to get a dog of her own, so said this would work perfectly. She’s just down the road, so we take Hector to her in the mornings and pick up after work in the afternoon. Technically he’s still a puppy (just over 1yo) so there has been the odd issue over the last year at MIL’s with shoes and other possessions which have been left within reach being chewed. Initially we compensated MIL for the damaged items as we felt responsible, but as time went on it was starting to become costly and we discussed the importance of puppy proofing, which has worked for us as we have never any damage at our home. Items continued to be damaged as a result of MIL leaving cupboards open, boxes of things on the floor etc. and we've felt more reluctant to continue paying for replacements despite MIL’s hints. We’ve asked MIL whether she’s finding the dog too much as we can revert to doggy day care, but MIL claims that she absolutely loves having the Hector and would be upset if those plans changed.

The other day MIL had forgotten that she’d left a kitchen cupboard open and had gone out in the garden. She came inside and realised that Hector had eaten the food in the cupboard and needed emergency attention at the vets. The bill was in the hundreds which MIL is asking us to pay for. Our insurance excess doesn’t warrant claiming and we are very reluctant to pay, as in our view this caused as a result of MILs error and she doesn’t seem to be learning from previous mistakes.

DH has pointed out how much money we save on day care by MIL having Hector, but MIL offered, we didn’t ask. AIBU in thinking we still shouldn’t have to financially compensate MIL for damage and vets bills when she has failed to ‘dog proof’ her home?

OP posts:
Vegena · 26/09/2019 06:17

I think your MIL should pay. When would it end otherwise? You will always be expected to pay for her carelessness otherwise.

She wants the dog and needs to take more care.

Maybe offer half each this time and explain going forward her house is her responsibility

Blondebakingmumma · 26/09/2019 06:17

If I was looking after someone’s pet and it was hurt and it was my fault, I would pay for the vet bill because I think it would be the right thing to do 🤷‍♀️

boptist · 26/09/2019 06:22

You are responsible for ensuring that your dog is adequately cared for. You MiL can’t provide adequate care. You need to find someone else to look after your dog.

I’m surprised that this isn’t your priority.

Sceptre86 · 26/09/2019 06:57

You should not have to pay as this happened as a result of mil's lack of care. However, for the sale of family relations I would and also put your dog back in daycare as she is not up to looking after him properly!

Magicmama92 · 26/09/2019 08:51

I dont think your being unreasonable if shes agreed to look after your dog then she should be moving items she dosnt want to get destroyed and closing things. If she had her own dog shed not get paid for anything chewed or incident. Perhaps she should rethink getting a dog! I would pay the vets bill as even though she left the door open hes your dog but I would make sure you both tell her that your a bit unhappy that you've had to keep paying out for things and now this so your going to pay for a doggy day care. Dogs come with mess and chaos and young ones can chew things. Sounds to me like she cant be bothered moving items but is happy enough to get money to replace them. I hope shes not left things out on purpose so she can get new :/ my mil would do that.

wink1970 · 26/09/2019 09:10

If this was a small child and she was leaving open cupboards containing chemicals, or choke hazards, you would remove it. There would also be uproar on here.

Your issue is not the vet bill. Take your dog to a professional (or maybe don't get one if you're out at work so much)

msmith501 · 26/09/2019 09:28

Everyone has provided the answer I think - you pay vets, your MIL's carelessness means she pays for damage and food. The real issue though is that looking after your dog was, in your MIL's words, a perfect solution for her looking to get a dog of her own - I.e. it is a perfect substitute. That being the case, would she have charged you if it was actually her dog that had done the damage and had to go to the vets? - no, of course not. So, either your dog is a perfect substitute when it is with her or it is not. It can't be "yes it is when it's behaving itself and no it's not when it's being naughty" - this chat needs to be had once you've sorted out the money on this occasion. Clear rules for next time...

Littlechocola · 26/09/2019 09:32

He’s not safe there. You will be paying the vets to put him to sleep soon!

Pay the bill and find alternative doggy day care.

adaline · 26/09/2019 09:46

To everyone saying that the OP should pay for all vet bills, what if Doggy daycare were negligent and this resulted in the dog being injured or poisoned. Would you still expect the OP to pay the vet bill or would you expect Doggy daycare to?

Doggy day care is not the same as a family member watching your dog for free while you're at work.

Doggy day cares must be insured. They have ratios they need to abide by. Dogs must have a certain amount of space and the provider must be licensed and checked by the council.

OP's MIL isn't required to be any of those things - she's doing her son and DIL a favour by having the dog while they work so they don't need to pay for all that.

However that does mean OP is responsible for any vet bills that occur. She could pay for daycare and outsource that responsibility but she's chosen not to - presumably due to cost and convenience.

MIL has clearly shown she's not capable of sitting the dog safely as the dog has destroyed numerous items and has now ended up needing vet care as a result.

If OP chooses to leave her dog somewhere that's been proven to be unsafe then that's her lookout, but it does mean she needs to pay for any resulting vet bills!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/09/2019 09:51

Harsh but I do think you should foot the bill for the vets.

But going forward you need to make alternative arrangements. Doggy Day Care are far better placed to look after your dog, it's less about the money now and more about your MIL inability to care for Hector. She's proved that actually, as much as she may love to look after the dog, she either can't or doesn't have the skills to care for him. DDC are insured and will be puppy proofed etc. In the long run it'll be better for hectors health and probably better for your bank balance.

LolaSmiles · 26/09/2019 10:40

Clear rules for next time...
There shouldn't be a next time.

The MIL seems to love the idea of a dog to play with and cuddle with whilst having zero responsibility for owning a dog, and her attitude towards no responsibility filters into her minding OP's dog where she is utterly irresponsible, has made almost no attempt to puppy proof to supervise enough to prevent damage.

She wants someone to hand her a dog, she can play doggies with it, but take no responsibility for the consequences of her actions. She isn't an appropriate dog minder.

Equally, the OP has had multiple issues funding the consequences of MIL's negligence and should have stopped this arrangement sooner.

yearinyearout · 26/09/2019 11:48

I would pay the vet bill, but find doggy day care from now on before your dog ends up eating something that kills him thanks to your MIL.

tvdinnertracks · 26/09/2019 12:31

Oh my god!!! Op replied almost 24 hours ago. READ THE FUCKING THREAD. AngryAngryAngryAngry

Thisisnotreallymyname · 26/09/2019 17:39

I would pay this time and pay any future vets bills, however I would make it clear to her that any damage is up to her to pay for, and if she isn’t happy with this then you would revert to doggy day care x

mumontherun14 · 26/09/2019 17:49

I would say you are responsible for the vets bill as you left him with someone that you knew wasn't able to properly look after him to the standard you'd like. I know its so tricky when people offer and can cause bad feeling if you refuse their help but just say that you got a special offer or something at the day care or get a dog walker to come in x

OhMyDarling · 26/09/2019 17:52

Find doggy day care for 4 days, MIL has the dog 1 day (if at all).

I actually agree with you- human mistakes have meant possessions were left in the dogs way. If she didn’t want them chewed, she needed to move them. It’s part of looking after a dog which she has said she wanted to do.
Vet bill- her mistake, she should pay.
What if the dog had not recovered?! She needs to take responsibility for her actions.
If she then doesn’t want to care for the dog afterall, so be it.

winniestone37 · 26/09/2019 18:07

Your vet bill but move him to doggy day care!!

MrsC45 · 26/09/2019 18:08

It's your vet bill, but I'd stop paying for replacement things, if she wants to borrow your dog she needs to be careful!

Chuck2015 · 26/09/2019 18:09

This is tricky, if the dog eat the wrong thing it could die, and it happens to the best of us. My dog jumped onto the table, unzipped my bag with his nose and eat a tube of chewing gum, it was a close shave. I would honestly look into other day care or provide her with a stairgate to keep him out of kitchen etc. With the bill, I'd be furious as she had plenty of warnings but I'd probably pay most of it, guess you have to live with your decisions. What did the dog eat out of interest?

westcountrychicken · 26/09/2019 18:09

I'd say the vets bill is MiL, it's not as if the dog was randomly ill, it was ill as a result of her lack of puppy proofing.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/09/2019 18:10

"... Hector had eaten the food in the cupboard and needed emergency attention at the vets."
This is the point at which you TELL her that Hector is going to doggy day care. Be deaf to her protestations that "she absolutely loves having the Hector and would be upset if those plans changed" - she simply is not taking good enough care of him. Hector is not safe with her.

As an aside, this struck me a little - "She had recently retired at 55 and had intended to get a dog of her own, so said this would work perfectly."
Well, from her point of view, it is working perfectly - she gets all the benefits of a dog and none of the downsides. She doesn't have to dog-proof her home, she just gets you to pay for the damage. She doesn't have to consider the dog's welfare, she just gets you to pay the vet when she harms him through negligence. She doesn't have to take basic care of her own stuff, she just gets you to replace it.

And it's happened often enough that you are finding it expensive.

Now, she's only 55. Has she always been this careless - or is she bloody well at it?!? After a couple of incidents, most people would be automatically taking better care of their own stuff. Because although she unloads the expense of replacements onto you, having to replace stuff is a faff, and stuff is my stuff because I like it so why would I be careless with it and let it get damaged?

I also think she should be dissuaded from having her own dog.

Jack80 · 26/09/2019 18:21

I would pay the bill and say that you are putting him in day care

lippi · 26/09/2019 18:23

pay the vet bill and return to doggy day care. this arrangement is not good for hector as proven by the very expensive vet bill.

wildchild554 · 26/09/2019 18:30

One question, are you sure all this damage has occured and your dog has received emergency treatment, is there evidence of the vet bill etc? I would be suspicious because of the fact she hasn't taken precautions and these things keep happening. If I was dogsitting I would learn my lesson the first time. Thats why I ask.

tvdinnertracks · 26/09/2019 18:38

This is more cancel the cheque than cancel the cheque was!

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