To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

A one off incident and parent and child have apologised to each other and both learnt from the experience. I doubt the child is traumatised but has learned that violence can lead to swift retaliation.
Violence is unacceptable and OP clearly knows this hence her thread so there is no point in telling her what a poor parent she is. She is eager to read appropriate books for parenting advice which is a huge plus .
I don’t feel there is a thing more to be said .We are all human

@LaserShark how? If my child hit a bully back, there's a very small chance of a repeat incident. I'd take a 3 day exclusion for defending themselves over years of bullying any day.

There is actually a very high chance of escalation, repeated retaliation, other students getting involved and a massive mess created from it that ultimately they all are held responsible for and might drag out for a very long time. Bullying is absolutely not solved by the bully getting a smack back. It does not end there. Violence doesn’t solve things. There is a long held belief that bullies are cowards and if you show strength they will leave you alone but I’m sorry to tell you that’s not always true and sometimes they have a lot more strength behind them. And teaching your child a lesson that might get them excluded is really unfair to them.

She shouldnt have kicked you...
Hopefully she won’t do it again

@Pinkyyy is it ok for my husband to hit me to teach me a lesson?

Why does your husband need to teach you a lesson? You are a grown up presumably?

@tvdinnertracks if you hit him first, then yes. Why should anyone be hit and just take it?

YABVVVU.

Yes, why should anyone tolerate being hit? That’s a very good point. Nobody should. So the answer to being hit isn’t to hit back. You just create a world where violence is acceptable.

Wow. And that is why society is fucked ladies and gentlemen. 🤦‍♀️

Sometimes escalation is good. People can't hit my child and get away with it. Schools do nothing half the time, and even punish the victim.

If one child is repeatedly being mean to all the other children and the school just repeat the same minor punishments over and over, when will it end? You have to stick up for yourself in this world and I want my DC to know that right from the start.

And what if your imaginary bully has friends that all decide to beat up your child in revenge?? No one has the right to hit your child, of corse they don’t. But you are not helping your child if you teach them to hit others.

Until your child becomes the bully.

Will she get into an abusive relationship?
Op I was hit with hands, the hairbrush, a wooden spoon, my mums purse as a child ( and much much worse emotional abuse), and I have a talent for finding lovely men, Ive never been in an abusive relationship. It’s not necessarily a follow on.

If your dd mentions it to a teacher, and you do end up getting a SS referral, it will go nowhere. A good friend of mine is a social worker in a nice bit of Surrey, the stuff she tells me that she has to ignore is something else. This week a Household where an 8 year old does all the cooking and washing for herself, her mum and younger siblings just merits keeping an eye on, be use the “ serious” caseload is too massive.

I’ll never condone violence against children, but you don’t sound like you’re going to repeat.
I remember saying to a therapist once that the abuse in my childhood was one thing, but the fact that it was never referred to, or communicated about let alone apologised for made it so much worse.
I hope your relationship with your daughter carries on deepening.

You've described yourself as a 'softie', and I think that's the main issue here. If you're too soft with her, that's why she thought it acceptable to kick you in the first place.

My kids know that if someone hits them (or is about to hit them) then they hit them back/first. They might get into trouble for it but some things are worth getting into trouble for. And guess what my kids aren’t bullies but they’ve never been bullied either!

I dont believe that violence is never acceptable, sometimes it’s the only answer.

@LaserShark then we would respond as we see fit.

My child would not ever become the bully because I absolutely despise bullying of any form and they know that if I hear of them bullying another child, there will be serious consequences.

When teaching to hit back, it's the back part that is important. You are not teaching your child to solve things with violence, but that they have to stick up for themselves and not be treated that way. They don't instigate, but they do retaliate.

My child would not ever become the bully because I absolutely despise bullying of any form and they know that if I hear of them bullying another child, there will be serious consequences.

Like what? Thumping them?

I don't think it's unusual for a child to think "He hit me, so I'm entitled to hit him back!" - they are children, they see things that simplistically and have not yet developed good judgement, self-control or an ability to talk someone down and get out of a difficult situation without resorting to violence. Children do all sorts of things we adults don't do. They pick their nose in public and throw themselves down on the floor in the supermarket. Our job as parents is to show them what's appropriate and how to act more acceptably, not to bend down to their level.

@PurpleDaisies why would you assume all consequences are violent? There are plenty of ways to discipline a child.

With that being said, if my child hit a someone who was much younger and smaller, I would smack them. They I'd ask them how it felt to be hit by someone much bigger than them.

You need to take a step back from this incident and look more generally at why a 10 year old who, in law, knows right from wrong, thinks its acceptable to kick someone who wont give them what they want or agree with them. Yes, you have been too soft on her if she thinks that this is acceptable. Sit her down and say that as of now there is going to be a new relationship between you. You are the parent she is the child. You will discuss issues with her, calmly, but if she resorts to violence again there will be consequences. set out clearly what these are and then bloody well stick with them. This is just the start of being a teen and if you dont get this sorted out now, its going to be shit storm for the next 3 or 4 years.

You were wrong to retaliate. You should never answer violence with violence and you should admit this. but dont let her use your guilt as an excuse to behave badly in future.

DS came up to me from behind once and bit me in my thigh when i was putting on make up. I didnt even realise it was him and out of reflex hit towards my thigh. Smacked him right in the face.
He never bit me again after that :)

I never hit him before and after and i didnt even realise what i was doing, but i felt quite bad about it. DH grew up getting hit with a belt when he missbehaved, he thinks im being ridiculous feeling bad about it and DH well deserved the smack.

Yabu.

You should never hit your child.

School is not a healthy environment for most children. She just doesnt know how to communicate that. She obviously doesnt want to be in the school environment anymore. She isnt getting the respite she needs and deserves. Take her out of there, try homeschooling or something

Homeschooling :/ because it's just that easy.

Most children don't want to go to school at some point. The reality is they don't get a say. Mainly because their parents need to work.

Have some other punishment in your head ready for if she kicks you again. Move on. You apologised to her don't make a huge issue out of it.