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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

303 replies

shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 08:12

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 25/09/2019 08:36

Forgive yourself, OP. It was an instinctive, one off reaction, not systematic child battering.
When you and DD are both a bit calmer, sit down and agree to apologise to each other. You were both angry and both behaved badly.
It can be a useful starting point for a discussion about mutual respect, how to treat other people, etc.
Assuming you normally have a good relationship with DD, it should be easy to put this behind you both.
Keep in mind that DD is beginning to grow up - puberty is not far away, and you will soon need to renegotiate the adult/child relationship to adult/adult. You don’t want to be doing that in an atmosphere of anger or violence!

chocolatemademefat · 25/09/2019 08:36

We know and you know you shouldn’t have hit her but she shouldn’t have kicked you either. Kids are so annoying at times and lets face it - it was a spur of the moment response - you didn’t plan it! Have a chat with her then move past it.

GrimalkinsCrone · 25/09/2019 08:36

No, school wouldn’t call the police. But the report would be flagged and recorded if your daughter discloses it to anyone, and staff would be watching for further signs of abuse for the rest of her time there. It’s part of our safeguarding responsibilities.

Armadillostoes · 25/09/2019 08:37

YABVU-I am shocked that you had to ask. Violence is never acceptable unless you or an innocent third party are in immediate danger. You need to explain this to your daughter and tell her that what she did was wrong, but that you are also deeply ashamed of your own behaviour, have let yourself and her down and won't ever be repeating it.

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain · 25/09/2019 08:37

Don't assault a child.

It's really not that hard

gingersausage · 25/09/2019 08:38

How many times has she kicked you in the past and how many times did it get her what she wanted? Is this a one off or an escalating pattern?

Moondust001 · 25/09/2019 08:39

Don't beat yourself up over it. No, you should not have physically retaliated, but I wouldn't put much stock in all of those who would "never, ever" do the same thing. If you are attacked and hurt it is an automatic response to lash out. That doesn't make it the right thing to do, but it does make you human and alive.

I'm just as concerned that a 10 year old thinks that kicking someone is the way to get your own way. A two year old, yes, ok; but a ten year old is way too old to be kicking people when she wants her own way. If she does that with her parent / an adult, what is she like with other children?

So no, you shouldn't have smacked her...yes, you were right to apologise for your action.... and what are you going to do about HER behaviour?

KUGA · 25/09/2019 08:39

I would have done the same,its not like you gave her a beating a short sharp smack won`t hurt her.
She probably ran off because she was in shock.
And hopefully learn a lesson.

StarKazan · 25/09/2019 08:41

I can’t get worked up about that to be honest. She’ll soon learn that if she’s violent in the real world it will just come back on her harder. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Madein1995 · 25/09/2019 08:43

You're human op, forgive yourself. No you didn't act perfectly (who does? And it's easy to think of alternatives after the fact). Glad you apologized but I would second a pp and not let her think she's got away with it. An apology to you, perhaps grounding etc on yoptop

As for posters claiming it's abuse. Get real. It's one incident and mum clearly feels awful about it. I was abused as a child - physical and emotional- and this doesn't even come close. It's a learning curve. Also the rubbish about police and ss being called. Do you know how busy ss are, and the severity of their caseload? The serious abuse they deal with? This wouldn't scratch the surface, as an isolated incident. The most that would happen is op would possibly get some support on how to manage daughters behaviour going forward. Police certainly wouldn't be called! I'm not sure what world you're living in, as ss deal with babies thrown at walls/young children horrifically neglected/sexual abuse, they haven't got a finite number of time and resources

On a side note I think everyone is being far too trusting of the school! I told my school 10yrs ago about abuse, much worse than one single slap on one single occasion, and nothing was done at all. It's nice to think things have changed but I doubt they have.

Hope the holier than thou posters come down to planet earth.

MrsMozartMkII · 25/09/2019 08:43

It was a reactive response.

You need a conversation. She's old enough to understand that you were both wrong.

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 08:43

Thanks all. Our relationship is normally very good, we're close. She's very loved and knows it.

OP posts:
NotANeuroticApple · 25/09/2019 08:44

Look, everyone makes mistakes. You are the parent though, and by hitting her back all you showed her was that violence is a reasonable response. You need to apologise and make it very clear that what she did was wrong but what you did was wrong too and that she should never let anyone treat her with violence. Children who have experienced violence, whether directly towards them or in front of them, will often experience more violence as an adult than those who didn't, either as the perpetrator or the victim. Normalising violence really influences what happens later on, if someone thinks that its normal to lash out when you're angry then they are less likely to notice it when themselves or other people are behaving unacceptably in that context. A lot of domestic abuse victims have got into violent relationships purely because for them such behaviour has been normalised as a child.

Yes you were unreasonable but you can change this for the better. It will be okay Flowers

MockingJay27 · 25/09/2019 08:44

@shesgrownhorns I would have done the same thing. Don't be so hard on yourself. People are massively over reacting on here

PurpleDaisies · 25/09/2019 08:44

I’m amazed at all these responses excusing the op’s behaviour.

You are an adult. She is s child. It was totally wrong to hit her, regardless of the provocation.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/09/2019 08:44

At 10 she assaulted you and could face criminal charges.... she is after all at the age of criminal responsibility.

I’d have done the same OP, all this nonsense of “abuse”, “assaulting” and “weapon” is partly the reason why Britain is fucked up!

I wouldn’t be apologising however I would be addressing her behaviour and further punishing her for her lies, (to get out of school) her temper tantrum and also for her physically lashing out at you.

LaserShark · 25/09/2019 08:44

As a teacher, if a child disclosed this to me I would have to report it and it would be escalated. Times have changed, whatever people excuse as a result of their own childhood experiences. So it would help to find other ways of dealing with this kind of situation. Everyone makes mistakes but this is definitely one to learn from and not repeat.

Hadalifeonce · 25/09/2019 08:44

I was doing something in the kitchen when DS was little, he was behind me making a scene about something I wouldn't let him do/have and he kicked me in the back of the leg, my automatic reaction was to kick out, he never kicked anyone again! And we all laugh about it now.

DriftingLeaves · 25/09/2019 08:44

Some very weird people on here. Of course the school won't phone the police or SS. Get a grip people. She was a cheeky madam and got what she deserved.

It wasn't a beating with the birch FFS.

PurpleDaisies · 25/09/2019 08:46

Some very weird people on here. Of course the school won't phone the police or SS.

I’m a primary school teacher. I would raise a child protection concern about this incident.

HolesinTheSoles · 25/09/2019 08:46

Well of course you're being unreasonable to teach her not to be violent by being violent. It's like the parent screaming at their child "don't bloody swear". You're meant to be teaching your DD to be a decent person who can control their emotions, engage in rational discussion and treat people respectfully. Obviously you're not setting a good example. If the only reason your DD behaves is because she's scared of getting hit then you've failed (and by the time she's a teenager may well hit you back).

DriftingLeaves · 25/09/2019 08:47

I’m a primary school teacher. I would raise a child protection concern about this incident.

My HT would laugh me out of the office for such a trivial thing.

HolesinTheSoles · 25/09/2019 08:49

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Your post is so logically inconsistent it's laughable. Her DD kicked her (not hard) and OP hit her DD with an implement and hit much harder. OP is meant to be an adult, is stronger and hit harder. There is no way the DD is guilty of assault and OP isn't.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 25/09/2019 08:49

"I told her she'd asked for it"

Amazed no one has picked up on this bit.

This is never a message to give a young girl, especially after you've hit her.

chemicalelephant · 25/09/2019 08:49

No child deserves violence, FFS. It doesn't matter what she did. It's the adults job to not harm children and to model non-violent conflict resolution so that they can learn. Violence breeds violence.