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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

303 replies

shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 08:12

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

OP posts:
Jayaywhynot · 25/09/2019 09:13

Christ, relax, ignore the haters & the perfect parents Hmm, a lot of parents have done this. Dont beat yourself up, Grin

DoctorAllcome · 25/09/2019 09:13

@Driftingleaves
“You're frightening the op about something trivial that happens thousands of times every day in homes in the UK.

It wasn't abuse, it wasn't planned, it was an impulsive reaction which OP now regrets.”

It’s not trivial that thousands of children are hit every day. That just shows how normalised abuse is. And it doesn’t have to be “planned” to be abuse. Most physical abuse is as a direct result of the adult losing control and giving in to violent impulses when angry.

BookwormMe2 · 25/09/2019 09:13

PurpleDaisies The vulnerable child, obviously!

I wonder what responses a thread where a wife kicks her husband and he responds by clouting her with a hairbrush would get.

Exactly. Multiple calls to LTB, etc etc.

LaserShark · 25/09/2019 09:14

Low, the lesson she’s learned is that violence is an acceptable reaction when you’re angry with someone. It’s self defeating. As a foe of discipline, physical punishment is very ineffective in developing intrinsic behaviour control and an understanding of right and wrong. It simply does not work well.

Drifting, you do not understand how things have changed. Safeguarding in schools is a very different beast now. You would be doing parents a disservice to trivialise it.

Ohmyohmyohme · 25/09/2019 09:14

Your reaction would be something my own Parents would have done to Me but sorry to say I absolutely would not react in the same way. Regardless of how far my DC were to push Me I would never intentionally cause them any pain, I don't think my heart could cope with that.

BookwormMe2 · 25/09/2019 09:15

Christ, relax, ignore the haters & the perfect parents hmm, a lot of parents have done this.

Not wanting to hit my child with a hairbrush makes me a hater and a perfect parent? Listen to yourself. Hmm

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 09:15

Well we had a little chat and I said that I was sorry (again) for smacking her with my hairbrush. She apologised too. I wanted to crawl on my bended knees and beg for forgiveness but I thought that would make things even worse.

My friend is psychologist for CAMHS, and is very calm and rational. I will ask her what to do (if anything) today. Thank you for the book recommendations, I will get them all!

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 25/09/2019 09:15

I would get a grip generally.
May not be your finest moment but she needs to learn that you can only push people so far. She found it.
I would calmly speak to her about it tonight. You have apologised. Ask her to apologise and then move on.

norfolkskies · 25/09/2019 09:16

only read page 1.
OP have you hit her before with or without things?

AJPTaylor · 25/09/2019 09:16

X posts!

PennysPocket · 25/09/2019 09:16

Christ, relax, ignore the haters & the perfect parents hmm,

Oh grow up.
I am far from a perfect parent however 4 DC and I have never hit anyone of them.
There is no excuse for hitting a child with a hairbrush. None whatsoever.

norfolkskies · 25/09/2019 09:18

i used to get a mix of hand and wooden spoon in the 80s. I dont and will never do the same to any or my child.

you have apologised, more than what I ever got!

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 09:20

For context and imagery - she walked past and kicked me, I reached after her and smacked her on the back of the leg as she was walking away. It certainly shocked us both - I've never retaliated like that before Confused

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 25/09/2019 09:21

She’s 10.

She thinks low level violence is normal.

I’m sorry but that’s on you. What you do about it? Honestly I’d tell someone. Get it out there. Maybe not SS but someone.

ratsnest · 25/09/2019 09:21

You know you're in the wrong so have a calm conversation about this with your daughter about why you were wrong to retaliate and react how you did, including the 'you asked for it' bit. I would also be asking why your DD is using violence herself - age-related poor impulse control or is there something going on for her that you need to know about? Is there a reason beyond her feeling a bit unwell that she doesn't want to go to school?

By discussing your reaction and apologising & explaining why it was wrong you'll be demonstrating that we are all fallible but we must confront that and take responsibility. That is a good lesson to come out of all this.

I grew up in a house where nobody ever admitted their actions might be wrong or hurtful beyond "do as I say, not as I do" which is a very confusing message for a young brain and did some damage.

norfolkskies · 25/09/2019 09:21

OP as I see it the fact that you recognise this isnt appropriate/ good behaviour as a parent doesnt make you a monster at all. That I would say is someone that doesn`t see this (or even enjoys it!).

you apologised and see the error of what you did, thats a good thing in itself. was this an isolated incident? if yes, don`t be hard on yourself. learn from this mistake and move on.x

ratsnest · 25/09/2019 09:25

Cross posted! You've already had a chat. Keep those lines of conversation open.

I haven't read it yet beyond the preview on Amazon but Philippa Perry's "The book you wish your parents had read" might be a good one for you.

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 09:26

Thank you! please keep those book recommendations coming!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2019 09:27

This is never a message to give a young girl, especially after you've hit her.

This is exactly the message I gave DD after she punched her brother in the face. Hard. Lots of blood from nose and mouth (he had braces). He’d unwittingly annoyed her in some way but not deliberately, just said something she didn’t like as she was in a bad mood. I was there so know exactly what went on. As he rebounded from the punch he got a good one in, in return. Cue hysterical screaming because he punched her. Zero sympathy from me and I did indeed tell her she had asked for it.

Must add, this was out of character, not the thing she usually did, nothing like that had ever happened before or in the years since so I didn’t exactly feel the need to race her off for therapy. His punch in return was a reflex to suddenly and blindly being punched in the face and instantaneously protecting himself not knowing if another one was coming. Didn’t exactly feel the need to race him down the police station. Only punch he has ever thrown in over 20 years. Sometimes people do indeed ‘ask for it’.

alreadytaken · 25/09/2019 09:28

Was this a one off or have you, or anyone else, hit her before? A single lapse of judgement is different to ongoing abuse.

I'm far from a perfect parent but I wouldnt hit a 10 year with a hairbrush and I dont believe many parents would. So yes, it was a serious mistake and an apology was the right thing to do. Now time for the chat about why violence is not an acceptable way to behave and why it sometimes leads to more violence back. She needs to learn that initiating violence is a dangerous strategy and other people may not regret a violent response. She also needs to know that she doesnt have to accept violence from anyone but that the help she gets will differ if she initiated the violence.

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2019 09:29

I think look at how you handle her fullstop. You were too soft by your own admission and let her have one day off. You then changed the goalposts and she complained then is escalated far more than it should.

None of it is a healthy way to react swinging from one side to the other and teaching her what how to control her emotions?

Wildorchidz · 25/09/2019 09:29

There have been posts on mn where a child’s father has hit a child. In every single case the poster is advised to call the police, kick him out, protect her child...
Typical mn double standards on this thread

cherryblossomgin · 25/09/2019 09:30

Stop beating yourself up. My mum snapped in similar ways and I am now 30. We are very close and it didn't damage our relationship. Even when my mum snapped I knew I was loved.

I was a very challenging child due to underlying mental health issues. You got to your breaking point, everyone has one.

I work in social care and have reached my breaking point with challenging clients we are taught to take 5 minutes away from the person to calm down.

Maybe sit and have a chat with your DD or bake a cake to break the tension.

CheeseChipsMayo · 25/09/2019 09:30

"Im a softie"@shesgrownhorns..do me a favourConfused..you sound like a petulant child looking for validation.

derxa · 25/09/2019 09:32

Oh god I'm in turmoil over what to do for the best now. Have I damaged her forever? Will she get into an abusive relationship? I'm so worried now! Confused