To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

Legal definition: "Use of any implement other than a bare hand is illegal and hitting a child in anger or in retaliation for something a child did is not considered reasonable and is against the law. The Court defined "reasonable" as force that would have a "transitory and trifling" impact on the child."

So to all those saying the school wouldn't do anything, you're wrong. If she tells her teacher then they absolutely would raise it with as a child protection issue. You hit her with what could be classed as a weapon.

After your comment at 8.53 I advance searches you op to check you’re genuine / regular. Calm down. It’s a one off and obvs not good. Talk to her when she comes home. There won’t be long term damage you just need repair this.

You were in the wrong. You lost control - you are the adult you need to stay in control. Hitting her is wrong and doesn't achieve anything (she'll learn to stay out of range- what do you do then get a big stick? chase her?).
I've got a nine year old who can press all my buttons so I know what its like but I still need to be the grown up and stay in control - I've lost it in the past (shouting back rather than hitting) but ultimately it doesn't achieve anything it just makes him think that shouting is acceptable.
OP- I can't work out from your posts if you are taking this seriously - some of its sounds like you are taking the P*ss- its unlikely that a one off hit of this scale would affect her but it might and it is more likely to if it becomes a pattern or you don't discuss the fact it is unacceptable

@GeorgiaGirl52
Also a brush is not a weapon ffs.

Yes it is. It is a very common weapon of choice for beating a child.
Along with belts, extension cords, shoes/slippers, sticks, broom handles, hot wheels tracks, pots&pans.
Ladies used to hit their servants with them too...

This thread makes me think that a lot of parents do need to be made aware of the law and discipline as there is clearly a lot of misinformation out there. Schools really are increasingly on the ball about this and I’m wondering if a lot of parents need to understand that actually they cannot hit their children. I realise Social Services have a huge and unmanageable caseload and has to prioritise the vast number of more serious incidents of abusive behaviour but to say that parents should continue to illegally hit their children because they’ll probably get away with it due to the high number of neglectful and dangerous parents out there doesn’t seem ok to me either.

@GeorgiaGirl52 Also a brush is not a weapon ffs.

It absolutely is under the eyes of a law. My DP is a teacher and a child in their school was removed from their parents because he was being beaten by a wooden spoon. Smack a kid around the head with one of those and it will injure. Smack a kid with a spiky hairbrush on the leg and that's going to bloody hurt too.

I think it is far from ideal, however I have done the same (albeit with my hands and not another object) when my DD was the same age and did the same to me. It was an automatic reflex, she kicked me, I reacted. We are mammals, fight or flight, parenting instinct I think is often to react before thinking of another method. If it was a calculated physical punishment it is very wrong, but I would never judge someone for smacking back like this now I know how instinctive it can be.

'She got what she deserved' wow.. so children deserve to get hit now? What about women? Do they also deserve to get hit? That's the lesson that's being taught here.

OP it was wrong to do it, but you know that. Apologising is good, your daughter needs to know that mum isn't perfect and can apologise. I'd suggest you have the pair of you work together to find coping mechanisms to deal with your anger when you want to lash out. Doing it together will be a bonding experience and show your daughter that you both can change and adults can admit fault and work on themselves too. You got this.

OP if it's a one off there's no permanent damage done.
My parents hit me as a child. It made me fear them, and taught me that hitting out when you're annoyed is a reasonable response. So I would hit my siblings when they annoyed me and vice versa. Then we'd get hit off our parents for fighting. It's a vicious circle. Don't let that happen.

It took me a few years to stamp out the (mild, but still wrong) "hit out at annoyance" instinct I developed, but I've never yet hit my child and I'm determined not to.

Even now, my parents think it was fine to hit us as kids. If they apologised now and acknowledged that it did me some harm (lowered self esteem, fear of adults/authority) then it would still help, years later.

Apologising, talking, explaining, will all strengthen your relationship with your dd.

Don’t do anything else. Don’t call social services. Aim to discipline her in more effective ways in the future.

You are human and had a human reaction to a spoiled and impertinent act by your daughter.

I think you need to wait until things have cooled down - I hope she's gone to school! - and discuss what happened. She crossed a line by kicking you, you crossed one by using an implement to smack her. You were both angry but you are the adult here and should have resisted escalating the situation. Easier said than done, I know.

It's not the end of the world. You don't need to go reporting yourself! You may find yourself in a sticky place if DD disclosed what happened at school though.

Has she apologised for kicking you, and for the pestering I wonder? I hope your loving DD comes home from school with a hug and you can both rebuild. She does need boundaries but not enforced with physical violence. On the other hand, people are not for kicking!

You should apologise for losing your temper and reacting, but she should apologise for purposefully kicking you.

In another situation, school clubs park, she could do the same and get it and more thrown back at her. So she needs to learn now that if you give violence the chances are you will get it back, be it push, punch, kick or at worst knife.

She probably felt safe to do it to you, expecting none back so it's going to be a shock. In some ways it's better she realises now before doing it to the wrong person who will really hurt her back, in others it's not great to lose your temper and lash out.

You need to talk to her and both of you need to work on your tempers.

Eeeee, that brought back memories. Must be at least 30 years since I was clouted With a hairbrush. 😁

Your use of language “ swiftly administered a hard rap” is as though you are trying to pass it off as a something like a dose of medicine, a beating from Mallory towers days and you say “ in the calf region” like you are totally disconnecting from what you have done. The calf region is your daughter’s little leg for goodness sake! Don’t try to pass this off as a necessary dose of horrible tasting medicine. You shouldn’t have done it but you need to explain in more detail to your daughter what made you do it and again why it is wrong.

OP get the book “10 days to a less defiant child” by Jeffrey Bernstein it is really good and will help you next time you are in a similar situation. I was brought up in a very physically abusive home and it has helped me with my DC. Good luck.

Go on parenting teenstweens courses and learn different strategies to control yourself
And learn how to negotiate

I am staggered by the amount of posters victim blaming. OP, it's obvious you deeply regret what happened, you realise how serious it was and I can't imagine for a moment you'd ever do it again and you and your DD will get past it. The rest of you should be bloody ashamed of yourselves and I feel sorry for your kids if your attitude is it's okay to abuse them because they're getting what they deserved.

Well it wasn't your finest hour for either of you but kicking her mum at 10 years old is really out of order.

@DriftingLeaves I thought you retired ages ago. Times have changed in schools, what was OK in the 80s is now not acceptable.

So much pearl clutching and frothing. Stop it. You're frightening the op about something trivial that happens thousands of times every day in homes in the UK.

It wasn't abuse, it wasn't planned, it was an impulsive reaction which OP now regrets.

The end.

I wonder what responses a thread where a wife kicks her husband and he responds by clouting her with a hairbrush would get.

She hit you and you hit her back, the lesson she will have learnt is if you hit someone they will hit you back. Good because its a lesson she needs to learn, cause and effect is something under 16s dont seem to understand

OP you need to apologize to your DD for shouting at her and hitting her, You also need to apologize for not listening to her. Your whole post is very dismissive...saying you were a “softie” for “letting her have a day off” when she was very sick! How is that “soft”?
By ten, I took my kids word for whether they were too sick or not. I even take into account mental health/stress and do not require a physical illness for them to stay home. And guess what? My 18yr old has the grades for Ivy League. So it’s a complete myth that a day off school now and then is dooming a kid to poor grades.

I am staggered by the amount of posters victim blaming.

Who is the victim here? The vulnerable child or the adult op?

Get the book
how to talk so teens will listen