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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

303 replies

shesgrownhorns · 25/09/2019 08:12

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 25/09/2019 09:34

Yes you were being unreasonable and only showing her that it's OK to lash out as long as you are bigger and stronger that the other person.

GeneHuntLover · 25/09/2019 09:34

Your writing style is very strange, cold and detached OP

username108 · 25/09/2019 09:36

You will be told by all the left wing extremists and do-gooders here that you assaulted your daughter and she will now need counselling and therapy and probably has PTSD. You did the right thing. The reason so many young people have no respect and society is going to the dogs is because of left wing parents like those on here.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 25/09/2019 09:36

Honestly OP, while it was obviously not a good response from you, it will have given her the clear message that she won't get away with violence. You've both apologised, a line has been drawn under it; I think you're ok.

I've read a fair number of parenting manuals/advice sources which have stated that children need to be reminded steadily as they grow up that their parents will not routinely put up with being treated like shit. Provided it was a one-off, I don't think you will have done her any lasting harm.

Teacher22 · 25/09/2019 09:41

When I was younger (I am 62) children were smacked for crossing red lines. Some parents overused physical punishment but it was generally accepted that a small smack for a bad misdemeanour - or endangering behaviour like running into a road or putting fingers into sockets or on cookers - provided it was for the child's benefit and not to indulge the parents' sadistic or vengeful impulses, was a necessary evil.

Everyone accepted this and I know of no single rational adult who ever grew up and resented their parents. In fact, I can recall many who have acknowledged they were very naughty and would not have behaved had not their parents had an ultimate sanction. It was always thought that a short, light smack on the back of the legs was better than a child dying in the road. The fact that a sanction was there meant it was rarely resorted to.

However, over time all forms of physical punishment have become anathema and unacceptable. I can see that there are arguments for this as some parents would have taken it too far and there might be some truth in the 'you shouldn't meet violence with violence' argument - though you could also argue that a small warning tap does not constitute 'violence' if well meant.

Personally, while I would never go against the law in such matters, I think that alternative punishments such as emotional coercion could be as bad or even worse and punishments which go on and on rather than immediate and tied to the misdemeanour in the way a small tap is, are soul destroying. They are also pointless when children are very small and cannot conceptualise an abstract continuing punishment being consistent with a sudden burst of naughtiness.

I think we have all got our knickers in a twist about this issue. I find it very sad that a loving, caring mother whose ten year old daughter has kicked her (which is off the Richter scale in terms of poor behaviour) should be so wracked with guilt that she is considering reporting herself to the SS for reacting in a totally understandable way. The reaction was immediate and without premeditation and will certainly make the child think twice about her behaviour. In the grand scheme of things it will have had no adverse effect on her daughter unless the child is so badly behaved she uses the mother's guilt against her.

This last contingency is quite likely in the climate where children are indulged and parents do not support each other in matters of discipline for the children's own good. After all, no spoilt, selfish, mannerless child who takes these qualities unchallenged into adulthood will be employable or make and keep friends.

OP, there will be no lasting ill effects from this incident. It's a one off. Do not let it wrack you with guilt.

chemicalelephant · 25/09/2019 09:41

The reason so many young people have no respect and society is going to the dogs is because of left wing parents like those on here.

In fact, the opposite. Studies have shown that prisoners (particularly, violent offenders) are disproportionately much more likely to have been hit as children than the general population.

PhilCornwall1 · 25/09/2019 09:43

Not unreasonable in my book, she may think twice next time.

StoppinBy · 25/09/2019 09:44

I don't believe in hitting kids but even I am thinking what happened isn't a huge deal in itself.

What I do wonder though is why a 10 year old would consider kicking her mum in the first place. Do you usually use hitting/physical punishments in your house hold? Because that would be an issue for me, but a one off reactive swipe to the leg with what you are holding not so much.

PhilCornwall1 · 25/09/2019 09:45

Oh gawd I clearly need help. Should I call social services on myself?

You don't need help at all, chill out!

GeneHuntLover · 25/09/2019 09:46

you did the right thing seriously???

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 25/09/2019 09:46

I wouldn't have sat down for a week if I'd kicked my mum. I used the get a wet hand to the back of the legs if I was cheeky. Which was rare because it bloody hurt. My siblings are older and got the wooden spoon. We were pretty well behaved and any smack was usually well deserved.

No, violence is never the answer, but we are human and it's instinct to lash out when someone hurts is physically.

CoolCarrie · 25/09/2019 09:46

My mum hit me with a hair brush once, it broke the brush; and frankly we laughed! Your dd is clearly a bit of a madam, so a thump with a brush is not going to scar her for life, but is isn’t ideal that either of you got so heated up.

CoolCarrie · 25/09/2019 09:49

And she certainly should not have kicked you, our backsides would have been tanned if any of us had done that, but then none of us were as bloody cheeky and self absorbed at 10.

amusedbush · 25/09/2019 09:50

I wanted to crawl on my bended knees and beg for forgiveness

You need to calm the fuck down.

LaserShark · 25/09/2019 09:50

Teacher22 what is a tap? Does it hurt? Is it frightening? What’s the point of it?

Running into the road is always brought upon these threads but OP’s daughter did not run into the road. My child did once when he was three and I grabbed him and told him off. I neither ‘tapped’ nor hit him. He never did it again.

Using physical punishment on a child is to show them that you are bigger and stronger and will cause them pain and/or fear if they don’t obey. Don’t call it a ‘tap’; that’s not what it is.

bibliomania · 25/09/2019 09:54

I could see it as being an unthinking reflex. I don't think you've damaged her - I think it's a good chance for a discussion with her "Okay, neither of us should have done that. How should we both handle a disagreement in future?"

savingshoes · 25/09/2019 09:55

You disciplined your child and stood up for yourself.
You didn't beat her senseless.
The majority of us were brought up with a clip round the ear or a smack to the back of our legs when we played up and the majority of us thrived.
Stop being so hard on yourself.

Butchyrestingface · 25/09/2019 09:58

For context and imagery - she walked past and kicked me, I reached after her and smacked her on the back of the leg as she was walking away. It certainly shocked us both - I've never retaliated like that before

Hopefully she’ll think twice about kicking someone again. 🤷‍♀️

Really can’t get worked up over this.

StephenKing · 25/09/2019 10:00

The mistake you made was apologising, what message does that send? She needed disciplining and you do so, never apologise.

Nicolamarlow1 · 25/09/2019 10:02

I am of an older generation, and I got hit with a hairbrush many times as a child. It didn't teach me that violence leads to violence, it taught me that when I was naughty, there would be consequences that I didn't like. Far too much pandering to children nowadays. Sometimes they need to learn that some behaviour is unacceptable.

BookwormMe2 · 25/09/2019 10:03

Every poster minimising what happened is overlooking the simple, basic fact that hitting a child with an implement is illegal in this country! Why are so many parents happy to break the law to discipline their children? I'm not a left-wing, perfect parent or do-gooder by any means, I just find it staggering that so many parents commenting here think it's okay to wallop a child with a spiky hairbrush and think the kid got what she deserved!

Butteflyone1 · 25/09/2019 10:03

For goodness sake how many of us got a slap or something similar as a child? Did it affect us for the rest of our lives? NO!

This is exactly why some children are absolute brats these days because they feel they have rights/protection and that allows them to do whatever they like.

I've witnessed my nephew hit my sister and she can't do anything about it. It's completely not right.

Yes we should never react out of anger (which clearly the OP did here) however I do think as parents you should be allowed to discipline your children. There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse.

chemicalelephant · 25/09/2019 10:08

I've witnessed my nephew hit my sister and she can't do anything about it. It's completely not right.

Well, she can do something about it. She can learn to parent. Hitting a child is cruel, pointless and rarely leads to the desired outcome.

Teacher22 · 25/09/2019 10:09

Teacher22 what is a tap? Does it hurt? Is it frightening? What’s the point of it?

Running into the road is always brought upon these threads but OP’s daughter did not run into the road. My child did once when he was three and I grabbed him and told him off. I neither ‘tapped’ nor hit him. He never did it again.

Using physical punishment on a child is to show them that you are bigger and stronger and will cause them pain and/or fear if they don’t obey. Don’t call it a ‘tap’; that’s not what it is.

In terms of definition, I would say a 'tap' was a small smack administered to a part of the child where it might sting for a second (because there would be no point if it were not felt at all) but would do no lasting damage. The law says that no mark (such as a red mark) may be left which is perfectly reasonable. I am not talking about beating or indulging selfish, sadistic appetites but, instead, a sudden and reactive, unpremeditated warning that behaviour is dangerous or unacceptable. A ten year old kicking her mother is way out of order. Misbehaving on a busy road or other safety issues are also cases where debate and negotiation are inappropriate and immediate obedience required.

I am well aware that I am in a minority on this one but I read daily of a snowflake generation mired in depression and suicidal thoughts and I inevitably link a failure of discipline and principle with sad, lonely and lost children.

meccacos2 · 25/09/2019 10:10

@DorotheaHomeAlone

So ah lashed out in a temper and you responded by lashing out in a temper? What lesson do you think she learnt there?

I believe she learned a lesson in reflexes or to be technical, a demonstration of the human fight or flight response.

OP ignore the vipers. You acted perfectly rational. If she could kick you then she was well enough for school.