To have hit her on the back of the leg with my hairbrush

[shesgrownhorns]

Dd10, is angling for a day off. I gave her the day off on Monday because she was surrounded by snot rags and was hoarse. Some would've dosed her up and sent her in, but I'm a softie. She knows this and is today clearly swinging the lead. After listening to her loudly complaining while I'm trying to dry my hair I stopped the hairdryer and said 'You're not having a day off'. She KICKED ME and started to flounce off. I (still holding round spiky brush) swiftly administered a hard rap to her calf region using my brush. Screaming ensued. I told her she'd asked for it and that's what happens when you kick people. She didn't kick hard, but I don't think that's the point.

It's not very right on and I know I'll get flamed, but WIBU?

My HT would laugh me out of the office for such a trivial thing.

Your HT is an idiot if that’s true. Staff should never feel they won’t be taken seriously for raising concerns.

I think longer term you need to think about what sort of relationship you want with your daughter - people I know whose mum's hit them don't tend to have very warm relationships with them as adults.

Were you hit as a child and is that why it is your instinctive response? Maybe have a proper conversation with your DD, explaining why you reacted as you did, but that hitting and kicking is wrong, no matter who does it.

As an aside, it is not 'soft' to keep a child off school with a cold. It is considerate - keep germs at home, please.

Madein1995 so sorry that your school did not help you. I’ve been teaching for over ten years now and in recent years, safeguarding has become increasingly prominent and robust systems have been put in place due to terrible tragedies that have been missed. It absolutely is the case that schools have become very much more vigilant about these issues.

And hitting children with implements is not ok. Not to teach them a lesson or because it’s what they deserved or because it was an instinctive reaction - none of those are acceptable reasons. It is not an effective form of discipline and it’s not ok to do it.

That was in response to pp, not the op.

OP seems to have realised she was wrong and has apologised which is the first step.

I find it interesting that people are so quick to defend lashing out at children "in the spur of the moment" when they would never condone reacting in such an aggressive way towards a colleague or adult family member who was irritating them.

I would have done the same OP. I think it’s an instinctive reaction.
Forget about it and move on. She will think twice about kicking you again. My mum would have put me through the wall for kicking her ( grew up in the 70s)

Holier than thou and weird for finding physical violence against a child unacceptable?
Teacher with three children, two with additional needs. Happy to be standing in opposition to you, whatever the insults.

Sorry, but I do not believe that any headteacher would laugh at this kind of report being made. The kind of training that all school staff undergo every year emphasises over and over to always, always report any concerns and to never trivialise them. That comment is dangerous and extremely misguided.

I think school will phone SS if she tells anyone - legally they should. Hitting a child is not illegal but I believe hitting with anything other than your hand is. A child told me she’d been hit by her father with a similarly small item, I reported to our safeguarding lead who was forced to phone social services. The parent was raging at me, but I’d have lost my job if hadn’t reported what the child told me, and more importantly, there have been high profile cases where multiple professionals didn’t report what seemed like minor concerns - added up they were serious signs of abuse/neglect and some children have died as a result. Not saying that’s the case here of course, but that’s why schools have a duty to report what seem like minor things.

I doubt it will go anywhere with SS, just one slap, but if school find out I think they will be involved.

Best not to make poorly days too desirable . When my DC us too ill to go to school he has to lie on the sofa with the poorly blanket. He is not allowed any electronics and is forbidden from watching cartoons or tat tv. He has to watch educational documentaries....he never fakes illness!

Yes schools may raise a concern but for this I’d be suprised if OP was visited. SS are snowed under dealing with children in need of protection.
Yes OP was wrong - but she knows this.
Holier than thou posters who do not live in the real world.
There are many ways to harm a child. If it’s a one off the child will be ok.
Children are annoying and push and push and push.
Apologise to your daughter, tell her your behaviour was unacceptable and teach her to do the same.
Be kind to yourself OP - I’ve been there.

Oh god I'm in turmoil over what to do for the best now. Have I damaged her forever? Will she get into an abusive relationship? I'm so worried now!

At ten she's way too old to be hitting or kicking ffs. She got what she deserved. You shouldn't have apologised.

Totally agree.
Also a brush is not a weapon ffs.

Drifting how long is it since you were working as a teacher?

A one-off incident won’t condemn her to a future of abusive relationships, OP. You could talk calmly about the whole incident, address the ‘you asked for it’ comment and make her understand how bad her behaviour was but also that your reaction wasn’t the right one and it won’t happen again.

modfepodge is absolutely right on the way schools are required to deal with this kind of thing. Certainly no trivialising or laughing it off.

Surprised at the number who think this is fine! Really surprised.

She is a child, OP is an adult - OP needs to have more control over her impulses than a 10-year-old Or is parenting a tit-for-tat thing?

I don't normally comment on parenting posts as normally there are lots already saying what I'd say. But this seems 50-50 so far, for some reason.

No, it's rubbish to respond to violence from a child with violence to that child.

Er, that’s abusive.
No excuse to hit a child.
You didn’t teach her not to kick, quite the opposite. You just demonstrated to her that you are bigger and can hurt her more through physical violence than she can hurt you.
Kids are still working on controlling violent impulses because their brains are not fully formed- you are an adult. You have no excuse.

I don’t see the problem in her asking to stay home if she’s recovering from a severe cold. Often, if you go back too soon you just end up sicker. At ten, she knows how she feels better than you do.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles
Thanks for picking that up.

I told her she asked for it

No she didn’t. You lost control. Your daughter didn’t ask you to lose control. She needed you to help her regulate your emotions.

Most of us have done / said something we aren’t proud of with our kids. However the decent thing to do is to learn from it.

You absolutely must to apologise to your daughter. Explain you were totally wrong to hit her and that she didn’t ask for it and you reacted and said that out of anger. You are very sad that she kicked you. You don’t want to either incident to be repeated. And you won’t be hitting her again.

You reacted and know it was wrong.

I agree with others - talk to your daughter explaining that you were both wrong and it's never right to use violence against another person and that your sorry you let your emotions get the better of you. Learn from it and move on.

Have I damaged her forever? Will she get into an abusive relationship? I'm so worried now!

My mum gave me the odd smack to the back of the legs and while I think she's an arsehole (for that and other things), it didn't do any permanent damage.

Yes. YABU No wonder she kicked you. You're normalising violence.

Fucks sake, then people come on MN saying “oh my dd bites kicks and punches me I think she’s got adhd/autism/”

NO, they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with that behavior sod that and not every form of discipline other than “naughty step dear” is frigging child abuse. SHES 10, OP although it weren’t the best way to deal with it you’ve not scarred her for life just apologise and set VERY clear boundaries about what’ll happen next time she physically does something to you.

You need strategies to deal with challenging behaviour as it is likely to be repeated as the hormones kick in for puberty.

Maybe look at
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene
Or
Calmer,Easier,Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton

@DriftingLeaves - care to identify the school whose head has such a lax approach to their safeguarding responsibilities so we can all avoid it?

OP, you were wrong. Your daughter should not have kicked you, but she's a child. You are the adult. You have to be able to control your emotions, and use your considerable power over her appropriately. Hitting her is not on, ever, for anything. Ground her, take away her tablet, ban TV, cancel a planned activity, whatever you think is the appropriate punishment. But hitting her is just an out of control, instinctive reaction to your own annoyance, and encourages her to see violence (particularly against those who are smaller or otherwise in your power) is a reasonable response. Sets her up to be a hateful bully at school quite apart from anything else. You're the parent. Be in control of yourself.

Of course you shouldn't have hit her back! Jesus....you should have dealt with it much better. Your reaction now 'Will she get into an abusive relationship' is equally over the top and frankly ridiculous.

MrsA not every form of discipline aside from the naughty step is abuse, absolutely. But hitting a child with an implement is illegal.