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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

314 replies

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 13:04

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

OP posts:
Geminijes · 24/09/2019 13:07

Just say 'Please don't touch her hair, she doesn't like it. I know she has lovely hair but it's really not nice for strangers to keep touching it.'

NoSauce · 24/09/2019 13:08

I know a white child with very curly hair who gets touched a lot too so I’m not sure it’s down to your DD being mixed race. People are drawn to lovely, curly hair.

I would just ask them to not touch her as she doesn’t like it and isn’t comfortable, obviously people will probably be a bit shocked and embarrassed by you mentioning it but that’s there look out.

RedHelenB · 24/09/2019 13:08

It is gorgeous no doubt. Personally I think it is human to touch one another and to say ruffle a kids hair . And on the whole id say that kids like the attention. It certainly is on the continent where on the whole they love kids. But on mumsnet children seem to be viewed as personal property.

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 13:08

Is it not common knowledge that this is a grievance that many people with afro hair experience? And that is known to be an unacceptable way to behave? I would 100% be telling people that it is rude and actually rather racist. Your daughter is not to be touched and that's the end of it. I do also agree that you need to be her voice in these situations and let her know it is totally OK to stand up for your personal space and boundaries.

There was a whole storyline about a manager touching a black employees hair on OITNB and that the employee hated it and it was unacceptable behaviour (sorry, I know its not exactly the best example of a public platform for such things, but my point is that it is certainly global viewing and therefore a known issue).

Lagatha · 24/09/2019 13:08

YADNBU

managedmis · 24/09/2019 13:09

You need to say every single time 'don't touch her hair'

No please, no thank you, just don't touch her hair

MissMooMoo · 24/09/2019 13:10

You need to tell them to stop touching her hair.
My son is 2 and has very curly strawberry blonde hair, we constantly get strangers touching and ruffling his hair. He physically flinched the other day when our neighbour did it.

Goodlookingcreature · 24/09/2019 13:10

It’s not a race thing, it’s a curly hair thing

LolaSmiles · 24/09/2019 13:11

Where I live it's common for adults to ruffle kids hair all the time, twiddle curls etc. I wouldn't automatically assume it's race based unless they never go near anyone else's hair.

But I'd just tell them straight that your daughter doesn't like it and can they stop.

Teddybear45 · 24/09/2019 13:11

Just tell them not to touch your daughter - no need to be polite about it or offer an explanation.

managedmis · 24/09/2019 13:11

Personally I think it is human to touch one another and to say ruffle a kids hair .

^

A total stranger? Nope.

Funghi · 24/09/2019 13:11

YABU

Kanga83 · 24/09/2019 13:13

Tell them not to touch her hair, put your hand in to block theirs if you have too. Don't ask, just tell them. My girl has thick curly and very, very long red hair and I have no time for anyone that thinks it's ok to touch without asking.

SarahTancredi · 24/09/2019 13:13

Yanbu

And please dont think you have to attempt to avoid any kind of mention of race in order to have this taken a certain way.

If no one is touching white kids hair the way they are touching your dds hair then very clearly there is a racial element to it.

Shes a child and they deserve to have boundaries. Sometimes it's ok to not be polite.

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 13:14

Thank you for your comments so far. I don't totally agree that it is a Curly hair thing and not a race thing. My niece (White) is the same age as my DD and has the most beautiful ringlets. At legoland in the summer her hair was not touched once! My DDs was touched by several strangers. One in particular did it whilst saying - ooh I love afro hair!!!

I do agree it is nice to playfully ruffle a kids hair, but surely not ones that you are not related to or very close with.

Thank you for your suggestions. I definitely have to be firm about this.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 24/09/2019 13:15

You're overthinking this. Just say don't touch her hair. What are they going to do, start shouting? Grab her and do it anyway? Swear at you? What are you actually afraid of? It's not ok to touch people without consent, whether they're children or adults. Your DD needs to see you standing up for her.

LavenderHills · 24/09/2019 13:18

I'm sure there are many white children with curly hair who experience strangers touching their hair, but that doesn't mean the OP's daughter's race isn't a factor here. Many of of the people invading your daughter's space probably know better than to do it to an adult woman who is mixed race, but think they can get away with touching your daughter's "exotic" hair because she is a child.

I agree that you need to be her voice, OP. Just say "Please don't touch her hair. She doesn't like it."

Ekefox · 24/09/2019 13:18

How do people still think it's okay to do this?? There's no part of me I'd be OK with a stranger reaching out and touching even less so just because they thought it pretty.

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 24/09/2019 13:19

@Preggosaurus9 I totally agree with you. I definitely need to grow a pair of balls. I just hate confrontation. But In future I am going to put my hand in the way and just ask them kindly not to touch.

I did this once at a wedding and the old lady told me not to be stupid and it embarrassed both me and DD so I was trying to avoid that.

I have told DD that she can tell people not to touch her. And I will be a better mum to her in future.

OP posts:
Grannybags · 24/09/2019 13:19

I really don’t understand people thinking this is ok? It might ‘only’ be hair but you don’t touch anyone, child or adult without permission. I had to stop using the bus when I was pregnant as people, particularly older people kept touching my bump.

ShrimpingViolet · 24/09/2019 13:20

It is a race thing, it's common knowledge as a previous poster said.

I have a friend with afro hair who is fine with people touching it, but that's her personal view.

I don't think it's done with anything other than friendly intentions, but if your DD doesn't like it that's the end of it.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 24/09/2019 13:21

My daughter had very curly hair in ringlets when she was little and people would touch her hair too. It's not a race thing, it's just what people do to nice hair.

If you are not happy, just ask them not to do it.

PhilomenaButterfly · 24/09/2019 13:22

I'd comment on someone's lovely hair, but I wouldn't dream of touching it. Confused

SarahTancredi · 24/09/2019 13:24

It's not a race thing

A couple of posters have already explained it's a thing. And op has first hand experience of it. Seems a bit off to try and make out it's not happening in the way she has experienced it happening

OneAutumnMorning · 24/09/2019 13:24

I LOVE this type of hair I think it's awesome but I'd never go sticking my fingers in someones.

I think it's okay a teacher at school helping tie up a kids hair but a random stranger touching her in any way? Nah.