To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

It’s the assertion that the issue is that ‘obviously’ black people will notice it more because their hair is more likely to be curly that has astounded me. No understanding whatsoever of the wider context and fetishisation and othering of biracial kids/people, the power structures that make people feel emboldened to reach out and stroke a person like they’re a dog without even seeking consent, no it’s simply a numbers game. More biracial/black people have curly hair than white people so they ‘notice’ it more. It doesn’t even make any sense, why would one person who is black and has curly hair ‘notice’ their hair being touched more frequently than a white person with curly hair notices it happening? If it happens to both equally often?

I suspect it may well be race-related, but the people doing the touching would probably deny it to their last breath.

You are perfectly entitled to tell people not to touch your child, but you are not always going to be with her and sometimes it will happen so quickly you won't be able to stop it.

I think you could usefully teach your daughter a strategy or two to protect her personal space and then role play some interactions until she feels confident. After all, she has years of this ahead of her!

How about teaching her first to duck away, turn and face the person she feels touch her hair, and say clearly, "I did not give you permission to touch my hair." That should stop most adults in their tracks. If anyone persists, you could teach her to yell "Stop touching me!" That will have them running away.

If people like the ridiculous woman at the wedding fuss and try to shame you, would you feel brave enough to reach out and ruffle their hair? They won't like it one bit but it's exactly the same. They can see how it feels! Children are people too, not toys or pets, after all.

And if anyone politely asks you whether they can touch your child's hair, refer them to her. If they have to make eye contact, introduce themselves and interact properly, they will have a chance to think about what they're doing.

She sounds lovely, btw, and you are clearly a great mum.

However 'lovely' they look.
It's definitely a race thing but it's also a status thing. People feel entitled to touch those they consider lower-status than themselves, without asking permission

That is absolutely fucking nonsense and you’re helping no one by promoting that idea.

I literally just say 'don't touch my child's when strangers try to ruffle or play with my DD's hair

OP - if you have Instragram I'd massively recommend following @thevitamindproject - it's the account of a woman called Africa who is a black mum from London with two young kids

She talked about this topic a few weeks ago on her Insta stories and has saved it all under "Afro's HandsOff" on her page. African had similar responses to the ones you've had on here (both the support and otherwise).

I found it really interesting and insightful as a white woman.

She's a great person to follow generally too - so stylish!

It's clearly about race here - but it does happen to other people

DS is has a head of blond ringlets. If we're out and about he wears a hoodie with the hood up (he even has lightweight ones for summer!), along with a very stern face - he hates that people just reach down and touch it all the time. He shouldn't have to, and neither should your daughter, but people are unthinking, so we work around it.

It really isn't nonsense, you know. Like I said, how many people touch the hair (or any other part) of large men - or people with percieved authority over them - without asking, or introducing themselves?

Africa - not African! Fat fingers

If it’s a curly hair thing then I assume white kids with curly hair get the same number of comments about their ethnicity as black kids do then, Itsnotaperm.

It’s the only way you can argue the woman stroking OP’s daughter’s hair like a dog while saying ‘isn’t half-caste hair lovely?’ isn’t a ‘race thing’.

Yes, people will deny it stems from racism until their dying breath. They may not even realise it, but there’s no excuse for continuing to maintain it has absolutely nothing to do with racism when people who experience it are explicitly telling you it’s accompanied by remarks about ethnicity. It amazes me how many people are unable to acknowledge that even if a specific individual isn’t thinking racist thoughts they are still influenced by the culture and society they live in and the messages they’ve absorbed since birth.

Hello I'm not sure on the race part but my first has red hair and people would touch and comment about her hair alot when she was a toddler. Also my second is a contrast in that she has thick very blonde hair and blue eyes and that also gets alot of attention too so who knows maybe it's when things are different they stand out which draws attention.

On the touching if you are not happy kindly say my daughter doesn't like her hair being touched please don't 😊

My Dd is 4 and has red curly hair and has this all the time.
I have two sons with straight red hair and people always did this when they were small
They wouldn’t try it now they are an adult and a teenager.

I grew up in Africa and I am white.I had long thick dark wavy hair. Many of my African classmates were fascinated with my hair and 'played' with it at every opportunity.In fact there were twin sisters in my class who used to tell me to sit in front of them at assembly so that they could plait my hair .All my life people have remarked on and touched my hair even now and I am in my 50's.Nobody means to offend .

My son is mixed race and has the most amazing jet black ringlets. When he was little people did use to touch them but a majority always asked first and my son was happy to let them. Even now my son is 9 and people still ask to touch his hair and he happily says yes. I have always drummed it in to him that he doesn’t have to say yes it’s his hair and he can say no.

I have never had anyone mention his race though, it’s usually just how amazing his curls are and that a girl would love them etc. I have friends with white children with curls and they too get asked by people to touch them.
I have always thought people just love a natural curl?!

I'm sure those doing it are trying to be nice and complimentary but it must be very annoying for your DD and maybe comes across a bit patronising. I don't know what you can do other than people not to after they do it but then it's already happened and annoyed your DD hhhmm

I agree with the poster who said to say 'Don't touch her', rather than her hair as it might make people think that they're overstepping the mark. If anyone tells you not to be so silly again, tell them that rhyme wouldn't like a stranger to touch them uninvited & your DD deserves the same courtesy. You need to stand up for her now & have her see you do it, so that she knows that it's ok to tell people no.

The most interesting part of race discussions are all the people who fall over themselves using a traditional debate technique: whatabouttery... 'well there's white kids with ringlets', 'I have ginger hair', 'my black friends love it when someone touches their afros' and on and on it goes.

Just erasing lived experiences so they don't have to accept an uncomfortable truth. People seem to think racism is only if someone uses the N* word, and even then probably not as 'black people use the word'. This debate is so tedious!

*they not rhyme - strange autocorrect

I don't see this as a race thing, just a hair thing. I think bringing race I to it is a bit mad.

My son has long blonde hair and people feel the need to touch it and comment on it all the time!

I love his hair too and love giving it a good ruffle!! I am not a fan of curly hair and therefore probably would never wish to touch your daughter's hair.

Yes, it's annoying for kids when adults think they have a right to touch their head, but then again, I think it's usually always meant in an innocent, affectionate, 'ah isn't she/he cute' kind of a way, rather than anything else.

I know it's harsh but she needs to learn to either be assertive and ask people not to touch it, lump it, or keep it in a bun.

Ive had the same conversations with DS - if you don't like people touching it, ask them not to. You could cut it or wear a pony tail, but if you choose to have it all dangling in front of your face - and that's your choice and your right, then you need to be brave and say no, or put up with the hair touching, or cut it/put it up.

@CrystalShark you are so right...the speculation about our DDs before they were born was awful at times. one family friend even told my mum 'I hope they don't get his nose...but his lips would be nice'.

But even though I totally appreciate each and every comment I know in my heart that the majority of the time it is a race thing...please feel free to read my previous posts about the comments we get.

@ReanimatedSGB that made me laugh. My DH is 6ft6 and I could just imagine his face if someone tried to touch his hair lol

@VladmirsPoutine totally agree with you. My husband an I have experienced racism from the very blatant N word kind to the very casual - do your white towels go black when he dries himself (No joke!)

But if I talk about it or have an opinion about it then I am a snowflake.

But I knew when I started this thread that it would be culturally sensitive and not all would agree.

Story of my life, one of a few BAME kids at school and loads of white adults would touch my hair. It’s horrible makes you feel like a zoo animal.

With my DCs (mixed race) I tell people not to touch and explain why when needed.

VladmirsPoutine yep. It’s really disheartening if MN is reflective of the general level of discourse/understanding around race issues in the population. Had to laugh at your post being immediately followed by a perfect example from IFeelYourPainToday though!

It’s not a race thing. It’s a curly haired thing. I have curly hair and sometimes people still touch it even as an adult!

And it’s MN so obviously loads of people who have no fucking idea will insist it’s nothing to do with race.

Its partly a curly hair thing, with 3c hair people often feel the need to touch my curls and I hate having my hair touched. But I think its probably exacerbated if you are mixed race etc as there is a greater change in curl pattern texture as you go through from type 1 to type 4 hair.

Honestly its rude, and inapproriate especially when there is a race element involved. I am good now at telling people firmly not to touch my hair, but i still get people behind me picking up and pulling at curls before I even realise they are there, honestly sometimes its just creepy

If you are in a situation where you feel uncomfortable telling someone it inappropriate you could alternatively tell people she has a sensitive scalp and having her hair touched makes her uncomfortable?