To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

Sauce read the thread. It's explained multiple times in different ways. Why should people repeat themselves because you cba to read?

It is a RACE issue. Not for you. Because you're white.

Nonsense

How can it be a race issue, but not for the (many) white people it happens to.

It’s a type of hair issue.

Peoples want to be able to label everything as being related to racism, sexism etc these days is bonkers.

People comment on long hair - whatever the race of the person.

People comment on curly hair - whatever the race of the person.

People comment if someone is unusually tall - whatever the race of the person.

Take a dog for a walk with really long curly coat and you will get more attention than one without. People aren’t being doggist, people will just be admiring the coat.

Not saying any of the above is the way people should behave, but to try and make out it’s related to race is just madness.

It's a race issue because people with afro hair often report unwanted touching.

This is a good piece in the Metro from a black woman on why it's not okay.

metro.co.uk/2019/09/09/i-dont-care-if-youre-fascinated-by-my-afro-stop-touching-it-10708877/

Ultimately prejudice is about "othering" and if black/mixed race people are saying "please don't touch my hair because it makes me feel this way" I don't think it's really on for other people to blithely them why they're wrong.

Thanks for your help Henry. I have read the thread but I must have missed the posters explaining why it’s a race issue and how it’s different to a white child being touched instead all I’ve seen is posters being accused of being dim if they don’t know it’s racist.

So once again thanks for your shitty little post.

It isn't madness @Newsheet, nor is it "political correctness gone mad".

It's about respecting people's personal boundaries and experience. Some people with afro hair don't mind it being touched of course. But it's not up to you to tell those who are uncomfortable with it whether their reasons are legitimate.

I totally agree that nobody should be touching anyone’s hair whatever colour their skin is.

Thanks for that link violet.

No worries @NoSauce

Get why people are saying that people are drawn to curly hair regardless of race, which may be true, but it's how it impacts the person on the receiving end and how they perceive it that matter ultimately, I think.

I had no idea until recently that this was a race issue. I have touched my friend's daughters mixed race hair previously and now feel awful that I may have inadvertently added to an issue they experience.

I would just like to say that I think I was an idiot to touch it because I didn't ask for personal space reasons. I don't think I was dim for not realising it was a race issue, but now I know I won't for that reason too.

This woman's research indicates the issue affects black women most of all.

Just tell them not to touch her hair. Simple, be prepared to lose a few party invites though from offended people.

It is a race issue as it is mostly accompanied by a comment on your race. If you took away the race comment then maybe the association to race would reduce.

My child is white. He has lots of tiny little blond curls and people have always touched his hair as they like the feel of the curls. It’s nothing to do with race or culture but it is very rude and people are invading another’s personal space. He learned very quickly to say don’t touch my hair. He’s even gone to do it back to people and they’ve ducked out of the way or stepped back in shock. He’s then said “you see you don’t like it, neither do I.”

Newsheet - Great post. You’ve hit the nail on the head

@pinkstripeycat why don’t you read @VladmirsPoutine’s posts to understand that it is a race thing. Imagine a man coming on here and saying touching a woman without consent isn’t a sexist thing as he’s had it done to him by another man. People are telling you it’s a race thing, it’s a race thing. Why is we believe you only valid if it’s something that affects white women.

I have a good friend/colleague at work who has just had a great new hair cut. When she walked in the office I thought 'wow! I love your hair!' I told her so and she seemed happy.

She happens to be black.

Just wondering based on this crazy thread, if this was somehow racist and I should have kept my thoughts to myself? She didn't seem offended...

FWIW a black woman came up to dd a few months ago and stroked her hair. She asked me if she was mixed race as she has 'African hair' (her words).

So much idiocy on this thread

@Newsheet comparing the unwanted touching of Afro hair to the petting of dogs in the park

And this corker

It's similar to people touching pregnant women's bumps - people are Tactile

Not in the UK they’re not. Tactile cultures are typically Mediterranean where it’s much more culturally accepted to squish the faces of babies, touch bumps, double kiss on greeting and departure etc.

Unwanted hair touching is not exclusively an issue affecting those with Afro hair but it is (as evidenced by this thread) most likely to affect those with Afro hair.

And no matter how innocent the intention it IS a race thing as it’s othering and makes that person a source of unwanted fascination, much like an exhibit to be goggled at and prodded and not treated like a human with personal boundaries.

@anon1234789 did you touch her hair? Don't be idiotic no one is saying you can't compliment a black woman's hair. The issue is that throughout our entire lives we get people trying to touch our hair.

And no last time I checked in Britain is it not common or normal to touch people you are not related to or have a close relationship with.

Eurggghh, it’s the worst. I used to get it all the time when I was little, and my DS, who is 2, does now. In fact his first sentence was “NO TOUCH MY HEAD” to an overzealous lady in M&S. We don’t have Afro hair, but both have quite riotous ginger ringlets. It’s always little old ladies in shops. I do our food shop online now :)

Oops - I can see the tread moved on from the OP! I get it a lot and so does my DS, and we are white. BUT it is a vastly more common occurrence to people with Afro hair and it’s very unpleasant - all those people saying “it’s not just black people” - no, of course it’s not JUST black people. But it’s something that happens to MOST black people and very few white people, so of course it can be considered a cultural issue.

Also known as exactly what @PaulHollywoodsSexGut said. Ok I need more coffee, clearly!

I totally know how your DD feels. We lived in Japan for 18 months when I was a child. As blonde haired blue eyed children my brother and I would constantly be touched. Usually by other children but my brother was 2 and it affected him for years. I think you have to be clear with people but PP who mentioned saying she doesn't like it has a good point. They're making her feel uncomfortable and I think any parent can empathise with that.

@FenellaMaxwell yes to the little old ladies but public transport seems to be the worst place for us which we can't avoid and there is no escape 😆

My ds says people queued up to touch his hair when he first went to his secondary school. He said people would touch him all the time when walking between classes.
He didn’t particularly mind, but now he won’t let anyone touch it now.

Mind you... majority of pupils can’t actually reach it now..

Wow. How hard is it to grasp:

Complimenting (speaking out of your mouth) is not the same as touching (with your hands).

People with curly hair are not the same as dogs in the park, i.e. pets. Although at one time black people were the property of whites when they were enslaved.

Just let people be, they aren’t here to be gawped and groped by you.