To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

You can also encourage your daughter to tell people she doesn't like people touching her without asking her if it is okay.

If you want to speak as others have said, just say, 'please don't touch her hair, she doesn't like it'.

This is a good opportunity for your daughter to learn how to assert her boundaries, and to see you modelling asserting them.

Should add - my son is mixed race and has curly hair. I have noticed people doing it to him but no more than they did to me as a child.

I have a ringletted boy. He used to growl when people touched his hair! He hated it.

@painauchocolat84 I am mixed race. I can categorically tell you it is a race thing. Or am I just lying about my LIVED EXPERIENCES?

Actually, all your daughter needs to say is, 'don't touch my hair, I don't like it'.

Reanimated.
That’s an really interesting and chilling comment about status and touching people. I’d never thought of it like that. But then I don’t tend to touch people without their permission. Adults don’t like it so it makes sense that children wouldn’t either.

A race thing or just a 'different' thing?

We were living in the Middle East when dd1 was a very blonde toddler. Strangers would often touch her hair, in e.g. the souk or the street. She was a novelty - it didn't occur to me to be offended, and she didn't mind. Anyone pinching her cheek, however.... why people do that to little kids I just don't know - it hurts!

I had long blonde hair and women would occasionally touch mine, too.

Op I think you should tell people. Sod them if they don’t like you saying something. This is about boundaries and bodily autonomy.

Considering blonde hair is common in the Middle East and most kids have light hair as kids I really doubt it

Why is it a race thing????? I really, honestly, don't understand why touching curly black hair is racist, but touching straight blond hair is not?

This is sooo weird? Surely its just that people feel drawn to touch your child's hair. Nothing.to.do.with.race.

I know this will sound inflammatory - but sometimes it feels like when you've experienced something horrible (racism for example) you then start to see it everywhere, even where it isn't.

It's a curly hair thing. My friend had long red (natural) ringlets and people were always touching it.

@ColaFreezePop I hadnt fully read the post when I commented sorry. I missed the part the OP said people actually mentioned the fact she is mixed race. Obviously that is different!!

It can be experienced by both white curly haired people and be a racial thing.

This.

But to the subject matter OP, don't let your daughter react the way I did when growing up. I sort of laughed it off and stood there feeling really awkward. Don't be polite about it: "Don't touch her hair." As soon as your DD is able to defend herself, and yes I use that term specifically, 'defend' herself then she'll need a few choice sentences as this will happen all the time at school: "Don't touch my hair, I'm not your pet." Also get her prepared for questions like "How do you manage it?" "Can you wash it?" etc etc

Ha, I just remembered when someone apart from DH and hairdresser last touched my hair! It was a 4yo Ni-Van child in the kindergarten where I was volunteering a few months back who climbed onto a table to reach out and finger my hair (straightish, shortish, silvery, boring) in sheer fascination. Some of the kids were curious about the skin on my bare feet and arms, too, and wanting to touch. All of them had probably seen the odd white person before, but just not that closely.

I didn't mind - they were little and I looked a bit unusual. It's natural curiosity, not racism, not at their age. So adults touching random children's hair are actually behaving like toddlers!

Why is it a race thing?

Well, the fact that the "touchers" mention race kind of gives it away in this instance.

I don't see this as a race thing, just a hair thing. I think bringing race I to it is a bit mad.

My son has long blonde hair

Well there you go then. You're not qualified to comment are you.

It is a race thing. You can't go about denying it's a race thing. People will think you're an arsehole.

My DD uses to get this a lot, she had blonde ringlets and old ladies in particular would make a beeline.

I used to just move her out of the way and say can you not do that please, she doesn't like strangers touching her and.it also messes her hair up. There was never any drama over it.

Please step in and say 'stop' I have very curly hair and get touched all the time. Even as an adult, it's fucking rediculous.

After your first post, I would have said that this isn't a race thing because I think most children with very curly hair experience this to some extent. BUT.... having read (open mouthed) the comments you get and a better sense of the sheer regularity of it, I have completely changed my mind.

DD has the most incredible, tight curls (as my hairdresser, who has a mixed race daughter, likes to say, "it's even more curly than DD!! ) and we get a LOT of people commenting on it. But only a relatively small number of people touch it, the ones who do tend to be people we know rather than complete strangers and certainly we don't get any other comments around her hair (she's pale skinned but with dark eyes).

I think you, and DD, have every right to say, "Please don't touch her without her permission". And if people give you a hard time, just tell them that caressing a person's hair is generally considered pretty intimate so why should it be okay for a child but not an adult.

I'm sorry to hear you have this extra irritation with such curly, high maintenance hair (I have a LOT of irritations as a result of DD's hair but didn't realise I was missing out on a few...)

Why can't I hennypenny?

It's racism due to the comments about race that go along with it. The comments are othering and treating the child as a novelty.

My youngest gets comments galore about her hair colour, it's a burnished copper colour, all comments are positive but this is not the comments that the ops daughter gets and its that which makes the difference.

And how do you know I'm not qualified to answer. What assumptions are you making about me and my son and my family based on his long blonde hair? You may well be wrong

Not sure why you've made this an issue about race. My child has long blond hair, if we have it out everytime several people, complete strangers, people at parties, friends will stroke it and say how lovely it is. People are just trying to be nice, if she didn't want it touched I'd put her hair back it's no issue and no need to make it into one. To the same extent my adult friend who has short very tight curled hair is always getting it touched when she has it out and actually loves it because she always questions if it looks nice and this gives her a boost.

I haven't read all the posts, but I was listening to a podcast yesterday (Gulity Feminist episode 166) and Emma Dabiri was on and she was discussing the book her had written called - "don't touch my hair".

Have a listen.