To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

My son had very blonde very curly hair and everyone used to touch it.
Now, I would say it’s not a race thing BUT I think it actually is. Many people questioned his heritage whilst touching his hair comments like ‘ooh his colour is coming in now isn’t it’ (from lady who had mixed race children) and ‘where’s his dad from then?’ Etc

Excuse the complete lack of punctuation in my last post. No excuse!

I am not saying that it is 100% a race thing. But the majority of the time people are touching her hair because it is mixed race. To name a few comments we get..

I love afro hair
I have never felt mixed race hair before
Oh it is dryer than I expected mixed race hair to be
I have always wanted to feel mixed race hair

People also feel the need to tell me in front of her how difficult and painful it must be to manage her hair...to which I always respond 'it is a pleasure'.

Funnily enough people do not tend to do it when my husband is around.

@Usernamewillautodestrustin YABU and over sensitive.

Several of my nieces and also several children of my friends, have long thick, curly hair, and they always used to get people ruffling their hair, and commenting on how beautiful their hair is.

They are not POC and they used to get it. Still do sometimes.

People touching your DD's hair is nothing to do with her being mixed race, so stop making it about that, and creating an issue where there isn't one. If you don't want people touching your DD's hair, that's fair enough, but stop saying it's to do with her being mixed race. As I said, many children who are not a POC get people trying to mess about with their hair if it's long and curly.

@whocanbebothered

Is it not common knowledge that this is a grievance that many people with afro hair experience? And that is known to be an unacceptable way to behave? I would 100% be telling people that it is rude and actually rather racist.

Don't be so ridiculous.

She's not a doll, people shouldn't just touch her hair!

"Don't touch my daughter without her permission" makes your reason clear. It is likely to suprise/shock some people, but that's their problem. I also think you aren't likely to need to say it often ifyou say it at the start of a party like that. It's completely reasonable to block their hands if you can too. Your daughter needs to know her whole body belongs to her and that you will support her in that.

I’ve got very curly hair and people do touch it. Mostly old ladies! Annoys me no end, I’m not a touchy-feely person anyway and I hate my personal space being invaded.

Actually @bluegreengirl it was considered racial harassment at the senior school I worked at, not one off cases but constant ruffling/poking etc

She's not a doll, people shouldn't just touch her hair!

A great quote for you & her to use next time ...

It's true though. No one would do it to an adult. Would they?

I can attest it’s definitely a curly hair thing. Someone randomly pulled a ringlet on my head when I was in a shop recently and even though she kind of asked, she was springing towards me as she asked so not much chance to say no 🙄

Infact it was that experience that made me apologise to my mixed race friend when I saw her later the day as I do tend to always rave at how beautiful her hair is when I see her (but I would never touch it).

I’m 44 OneAutumnMorning. So yes they do do it to adults.

100% YANBU. Grew up in a white community, moved to a school that was mostly black (60%) and the rest was other POC with a handful of white kids here and there. Got to be 16 and my hair went full on ringlet curly after a 14 year hiatus. Luckily, I already had a sense of how to care for it and where to look for advice.

First instance: Don't touch her hair.
If they argue, say it simply: It's super offensive to touch a black person's hair.*
If they argue past that, feel free to say: You can ask permission. If she says no, that's it. People who don't know how to care for curly hair shouldn't mess with someone else's.

Because there are so many levels to it. The long and short of it is don't touch a person without their permission. When it comes to circumstances with heavy colonial/racist tones, act doubly careful. Friends, strangers, makes no difference.

At the shallowest level, people touching curly hair who don't know how to deal with it ALWAYS mess it up and that lasts until the next twist-out/wash/plaiting.

It took years for me to get it into my husband's head that he is only allowed to run his hands through my hair at the end of the day.

*I get it, they didn't mean it offensively, but considering it's a friendly environment, if you have the bandwidth, make it a teachable moment: touching the hair of a POC is NOT OKAY. Even among friends. Folks who never have been close to POC never get taught this for reasons that blow my mind.

@PablosHoney really like that...it is true.

One old lady stroked her head like a dog and said that 'half cast' hair is just lovely.

Every person is allowed an opinion. As I said I am not saying this is 100% about race, but when other white curly haired girls are ignored and her ethnicity is commented on whilst they are touching it then it very much is about race.

Anyway - thanks for the support. At the end of the day I just need to step up and make sure my DD is happy :)

bluegirlgreen In this case there is a racist element to it, given the comments the OP has posted that people make when they touch the hair.

Just because something happens to white people, doesnt mean it isn't racist! Eg white people get falsely accused of shoplifting, but if its 10x more likely to happen to someone of another race, that doesnt mean the shop security aren't racist. There are people on here with experience of Afro hair saying it is racist, why are some people not listening to them given they know best?

Anyway you can just say 'DD prefers not to have her hair touched, thanks'. If you get a response like the old lady, just remove her from the situation. I'm sure the old lady wouldn't have liked it if youd started messing with her hair.

Just firmly say "don't touch her hair, she doesn't like it".

If they even need telling then politeness should be the least of your concerns. Don't give them any chance to argue, no kindly, please or thank yous.

@sheshootssheimplores

Uh that would drive me mad having random peoples fingers in my hair. Talk about personal space invasion. Does it happen often?

It is a race thing.

Can I add a cute anecdote?

I used to work for a little disabled boy who had cerebral palsy. He couldn't walk or talk but could use his arms and hands to a certain extent. If I say near him he would always reach out and feel my hair. He was mesmerised by it.
And one day it dawned on me, it's probably because it's the totally opposite of his.
His was short, Afro and black in colour.

Where as mine was long, straight and blonde.

Very sweet. He's the loveliest kid, so gentle.

My son had beautiful long golden curly locks and people did touch it but not strangers. Mostly people commented how lovely it was and how much they envied it.

I would be inclined to say something firm but polite such as “Please don’t touch my daughter’s hair. It’s not appropriate”.

My friend has a little girl with very red, curly hair. People touch it all the time! Similarly I had a friend who had naturally bleach blonde hair, as did her sister. They used to holiday in Spain a lot with their parents and the Spanish people touched their hair constantly, apparently for good luck. She hated going there. YANBU, next time just say, please don't touch her hair. You don't even need to say she doesn't like it, you don't need a reason and neither does your dd for not wanting strangers randomly touching her hair.

@zinrepus thank you for your response, it's so strange because the people who I think she wouldn't mind touching her hair (like our very close family and friends) would never dream of it...maybe because they know how much product and care goes in to it...as you said :)

Buy her one of these t-shirts: hauseofcurls.com/products/please-dont-touch-my-hair-t-shirt

It may not explicitly be a race thing. But the fact is that it's more likely to happen to a black or mixed race child in a mainly white environment. It is a form of 'othering' which, when experienced alongside other micro aggressions, does have the effect of being strongly associated with race.

In any case, I'm sure it's just highly annoying!

OneAutumnMorning people normally don’t touch my hair no. Used to happen loads when I was a teenager but not so much as an adult. However I do field a lot of comments about it from strangers. Always complimentary so very well intentioned, it’s just often I don’t want the attention. I’m quite a strange person in that I can come across quite extroverted but am really an introvert and embarrass easily.

You can buy don’t touch my hair shirts, I’m mixed race but not obviously but when I was pregnant despite saying no everyone thought they could touch me so I wore a hands off the bump top. Hopefully a couple of parties/play dates wearing that and people will learn some manners.

@ImogenTubbs omg this is amazing :)