To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

Pain because it's the height of ignorance to hear black people say "it's a race thing" and then deny that it's a race thing.

My nieces are mixed race and they get this a lot. Of course it is a race issue if it’s accompanied by blatant race related comments. This doesn’t mean that it never happens to white people, but it clearly often happens because children are mixed race.

And how there can be so many comments saying ‘it’s not a race thing’, when there are poc on this thread giving their own experience of how it blatantly is, is beyond me.

I was in your DDs shoes as a kid - redhead, white in a country where red hair is not common at all. Neither my mum nor me were/are afraid of confrontation but it usually happened so quickly that there was no time to react. Part of the issue was that once they had touched it, they stopped, so throwing a tantrum did nothing to improve the situation.

I wish I could tell you that we have found a solution other than me wearing hats but we never did. People stopped when I was around 10 but until then it was just something to put up with.

But of course it's racially inspired - what sort of culturally tone deaf person would insist it isn't?

My children are bi-racial and their particular mix means they've all inherited quite unusual corkscrew curls. I keep my son's hair long - he's seven - and I just tell people not to touch him as he doesn't like it. He's getting to the age now where he beginning to be able to tell people himself.

You just have to stand up for them until they can do it themselves. I don't go round touching random children's hair because you know - boundaries.

I'm an actual adult and people still try to touch my hair. . It happened just the other day. I'm pretty sharp about telling them to back off. I'm not exotic and I will not be othered and I'm not your plaything. Go buy a doll if you want to play with hair.

It isn't always - I think that's the point some are making.

YANBU. She needs to trust that no one has permission to touch any part of her without her permission, I would continually remind everyone that tries to touch her. My future kids will be mixed and I’ll be doing the same.

And there is a degree of nuance. I'm not saying every instance is racism. There are things called micro-aggressions. So it's all that follows, touching a mixed kids' hair then curiously wondering how we 'manage' it. It is the 'othering' and fetishization of being mixed race.

One or two people touching my hair and finding it cute isn't the issue. The issue arises when as a mixed race woman with quite wild curly hair, having to chemically straighten it so that I'm not considered untidy/disorganised for e.g job interviews.

It's not about finding her hair cute... it's a lot bigger than that. And that some people are willing to dismiss this actually makes me rather envious of their privilege. I can't tell you enough how much I wish it wasn't a race thing. Your cute curly haired blonde white kids won't face the same prejudices as OP's kid.

I love afro hair
I have never felt mixed race hair before
Oh it is dryer than I expected mixed race hair to be
I have always wanted to feel mixed race hair
Compare those comments to

What a beautiful colour
Oh you're really lucky
I wish I had that colour

Those saying it's not racist can you not see the difference in the attitudes towards the hair

Considering blonde hair is common in the Middle East and most kids have light hair as kids I really doubt it

What a bizarre thing to say - I used to live in Southern Spain, and my friend's kids were white blond with blue eyes and when we'd go out for the evening (very normal for kids to be out a bit late, and run around in the square while the adults have a drink), he would be touched by so many people - they used to put him in a buggy when he was really too old for it, so they could drape a blanket and give him a break from it.

There is a difference though - there's a patronising element to what's happening to OP's daughter that isn't there when all the people in the town square would reach out to touch the little boy's blonde hair.

Why can’t it be a race thing and a curly hair thing? In this instance race clearly has a lot to do with it. I’ve also wondered if people are more likely to do this to girls? it’s hard but you do need to start telling people to stop touching her, and in time she will need to learn to tell people herself (not that she should have to). I’m white with very thick curly hair and I do remember it constantly being fondled and commented on by strangers. It’s actually given me a bit of a complex in adulthood and I never ever wear it down, which is a shame. I feel like I’m somehow drawing attention to myself, so guess I can’t break out of that thinking that random people will accost me and I’ll have to have the whole conversation ‘lovely hair, is it natural, did it cone from your mother blablabla’. Obviously, being white I know they are just being nice and there isn’t that more sinister undertone to their actions but it’s annoying enough.

So hennypenny - if my son is white and says his hair being touched is a race thing, does that then make it a race thing even if the person touching it meant no racism by it at all ?

Ps. Admit I've not read the full thread and was basing my comments on the OP, which I've read twice (admittedly quickly) and not seen any reference to racist comments. However, if there were comments too, obviously that changes my opinion and brings race into it, i'll go back and read the full thread (sorry)

@IFeelYourPainToday is touching your son's hair coupled with comments about "I've never touched a white person with blond hair before" or similar?

That's the difference between someone touching your son's hair and the OP's.

should say OP's daughter.

My son is white and years ago when he was a toddler , people were alway touching his curls, It seems to be a thing . It does peter out once they get past the cutesy stage , Just point out she doesn't like her hair touched with a smile .

@inesj you would be surprised by my daughter's hair and she is bi-racial. So being of a particular mix doesn't mean anything.

It really isn't nonsense, you know. Like I said, how many people touch the hair (or any other part) of large men - or people with percieved authority over them - without asking, or introducing themselves?

Although I agree it is very rare, my rather large, 6ft2 dp with ringlets (out kids are fecked for unmanageable hair) regularly has people touch his hair, especially when it used to be halfway down his back

I know your DD is still pretty little, but guide her to be able assert some physical boundaries, so that she is able to step back, or vocalise that she doesn't want her hair touched. I was outraged to read that someone told you that you were being stupid to not let them touch her...tough shit...on her, she doesn't have the right to enter into your daughter's physical space.

Good luck OP...and stand your ground!

The title of the thread, and the original grievance in the OP, was about the parent being annoyed at people touching her daughters hair. I DO NOT think the touching is race related on its own.

Obviously if racist comments are added, then the whole thing (the comments and touching (if touching is related to the comments)) may well be racist (but to me, that's an entirely different issue and should have been a different post - "AIBU to be annoyed at people making racist comments to my daughter?" - in which case I'd have said, of course you are not being unreasonable, that's awful)

The OP was about touching curly black hair, and without the presence of racist comments, I would not see that as a race thing, just a hair thing

(It would help if people.made their OPs contain all the relevant information rather than drip feeding)

While this doesn't happen exclusively to black people it is most definitely a race thing. A very well documented one, there are whole comedy sketches and cultural references which surround white people touching Afro hair..

My son is mixed race. I actually ended up cutting his hair short. He is autistic so found people lurching towards him extra stressful. He has kept some nice curls on top and people still feel the need to reach out to the top of his head. I definitely feel like there is a human zoo feeling about Afro hair 'ooh look at that, look how big it is, look how curly it is, what does it feel like?' I think this also partially falls into the category of making children kiss or hug adults when they don't want to. Children have the right not be touched if they don't want it.

I went to a Christmas performance when my son was in reception where I watched another child constantly playing with his hair and pinching the back of his neck where the hair was shorter. I reached in and took my son away as he was starting to get really upset, the teachers didn't think it was a problem at all which is worrying.

I was brought up in Hong Kong where my bright blonde hair and my sisters red hair was very attractive to local people, this was 40 years ago and not a common sight. I remember once getting so stressed about someone touching my hair in a restaurant I bit though a glass.

I think you have your advice, ask them not to do it, she doesn't like it.

Haha, "it's not a race thing", ok then Yes it is.

My niece has beautiful, absolutely GORGEOUS blonde, shiny, tight ringlets down her back. Nobody touches it. Not a soul. They'll comment on it, say how beautiful and shiny and lovely it is. Tell her how lucky she is. They never touch it.

My daughter is mixed race with big, beautiful shiny coils. Her hair gets touched CONSTANTLY.

The other day I was at a birthday party of one of her friends. She was sitting at the craft table, painting something. The woman who worked at the venue walked behind her, ran her hands through her hair and bent down and sniffed it. She sniffed my daughter. I was sitting nearby, saw the whole thing, saw my daughter's very uncomfortable expression and walked over. She seemed to realise she was being inappropriate, but no apology, just "Oh it's so gorgeous and it smells so nice!"

Mixed hair = public property of white people.

I can't imagine someone doing that to a white child, I really can't.

how bloody weird that people think this is ok.

The people touching might not mean to be racist but not having any cultural awareness at all, to not know that you do not touch a black persons hair without permission, is quite ignorant.

@teddybear45, WTF?.
Just what Middle East are you thinking of? I can assure you, where we lived for 13 years, the usual hair colour of the local population - small children included - is black!

Are you perhaps as confused as an American we once met, who asked whether the Middle East was near the (American) Mid West?