To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

www.redbubble.com/people/collegeanthem/works/29126158-dont-touch-my-hair?cat_context=w-tees&grid_pos=1&p=womens-relaxed-fit&rbs=faf1c664-59ec-43ff-afc9-7e6eda555fac&ref=shop_grid&searchTerm=dont%20touch%20my%20hair This tops cute but loads on the website x

It's like strangers touching you when pregnant. I bluntly told them to keep their hands off. If it continues start touching their hair then tell them it's not nice when strangers do that is it so how about keeping your hands off my child.

I think its a curl thing too. My DS who is 2 has white blonde curls and everywhere we go with him somebody mentions his hair and usually touch it. I have started telling people he doesn't like being touched. He gets very stressed when he is tired and people try and touch his hair.

Of course it’s a race thing. Are some people still really so dense they don’t realise that? That biracial children are often fetishised as being incredibly unique and exotic (bleurgh) and treated like a curiousity? I can’t work out if people are that dumb/uneducated or baiting disingenuously to be dismissive of other people’s experiences.

OP: every single time ‘don’t touch her hair, she hasn’t told you you can’. Let your daughter see you standing up for her bodily autonomy. Don’t be afraid to be firm, it crosses a line to think it’s okay to reach out and touch someone’s hair. I’d say ‘they wouldn’t do it to an adult’ but ask black women and sadly you’ll find people very much do.

It’s gross, you can stop it from happening, and give your daughter the words to ensure when you’re not there she can stop it too.

Honestly side eyeing the ‘it’s a curly hair thing not a race thing’ people. If you’ve realised you’re missing context because you’ve never considered it might be race related before, at least open your ears or do some research instead of sticking to your ignorance.

My daughter is white and has big red ringlets and when she was little people used to just walk by in the supermarket, for example, and just touch and start playing with her hair.

I simply just used to say "please don't finger my daughter's curls".

Some people even asked if it was "natural"??? No, actually, I perm my 3 years old's hair on a regular basis!!!

It was frustrating and I suppose people were only being nice and complimentary but you can compliment a child without physically touching them.

Most definitely say 'don't touch her' - don't just say don't touch 'her hair' but 'her'. It might make people think of how they are grossly overstepping her personal boundaries. If anyone tries to make you feel bad then you ruffle their hair - mess it up a bit - and see how they bloody well like it. And make sure your dd can say it too - everytime someone approaches her and loudly enough to embarrass the twat who tries to touch her!

My mum was white but had big curly hair that people loved to touch when she was little. She bit them. Seemed to work

I don’t think it’s entirely a race thing, as my nephew has blond curls and he also gets it. Old people rave about his ‘bubbles’ apparently!

Obviously black and mixed ethnicity people will notice it more often because they’re likely to have curls.

I grew up with this and it did my head in. Along with questions like "how do you manage it?! Like..do you have to brush it??! How do you wash it?" As if afro hair is a bizarre entity from another planet. So rude. I wish my mum had told people to keep their hands to themselves.

I have heard a lot of black/mixed race/BAME people say that white people touch their hair and they dislike it, as well.
But as a general rule I would just say 'Don't touch her hair, she doesn't like it.' Because no one should have to put up with having their hair - or any other part of them - touched against their wishes. However 'lovely' they look.
It's definitely a race thing but it's also a status thing. People feel entitled to touch those they consider lower-status than themselves, without asking permission. So white people will touch BAME people's hair like men will touch women's bodies (not necessarily sexual touches, but taking a woman's arm when she's perfectly able-bodied, or steering her with a hand on her back) and adults will touch children that they don't know, without asking either the child or the parent.

Irrespective of whether it’s a “race thing” or not, the child doesn’t appear to like it. She’s a bit too young to advocate for herself at the moment (many adults struggle to) so her mother has to step in for now.

It does sound like you know a lot of rude ppl, OP.

I can imagine it is annoying for your DD. My DD also has curly hair and her hair gets touched a lot by strangers. I hate to generalise but I notice it is often the older generation who do it. If it bothers your DD definitely say something.

OP, it’s a shame your entire thread will now be derailed by posters comparing it to their white children with curly hair having their hair touched on occasion. I hear ya anyway.

Currently pregnant with a child who is biracial and since the week my DH and I got together we’ve had constant comments about how beautiful our kids will be (before we ever even expressed wanted them), cooing over how our features will ‘blend’, whose features our babies will have, how gorgeous they will be, how unusual they will look, in a way I have NEVER experienced in any of the non interracial relationships I’ve been in. People could easily learn about this stuff if they wanted to put a few minutes effort into opening their eyes and ears, but they won’t. Because it’s easier to pretend to be blind to racial issues.

Obviously black and mixed ethnicity people will notice it more often because they’re likely to have curls.

Speechless that this is your take on this, 30to50FeralHogs, that you’re happy to openly share with everyone.

Also, ask yourself how often such people touch the hair of a big, sturdy black bloke without asking...

Can't you say "please don't touch her hair she doesn't like it?"

There was a previous thread where a woman was also very fed up with people ruffling her sons hair, a man in church in particular.

I think we as adults do it from mostly a good place, but it is patronizing and annoying and we should stop!

No kid likes their hair ruffled and it’s really annoying!

Although I don’t think you can stop it 100%, jus keep calling it out, ‘hey, she hates that hair ruffling let’s ruffle your hair see if you like it’ or something....

It can be experienced by both white curly haired people and be a racial thing. No one can deny the experience both have.

There is a strong fascination with mixed race people particularly children. My DS is white and carribean and people get obsessed with him and are fascinated by his looks and hair. Everyone loved to speculate what he would look like. Yes it's ignorant he shouldn't be fetishised like this but I do believe most people mean it in a complimentary way even if it comes across insulting.

Agree with OP just say simply and firmly, she doesn't like her hair touched please could you not. You don't need to say anymore. As she grows up she will then learn to assert herself.

How awful for your daughter. Its like people can't resist touching pregnancy bumps and should be treated in the same way, with a firm telling No! Of course it's worse because she's a child. As I child I had very long straight hair and a creepy uncle that used to stroke it. I never did tell him to stop, I wish I'd known that was okay to say please don't touch my hair!

@Usernamewillautodestrustin For sure! I'll even admit that I occasionally touch close friends or family members' hair. After a compliment, a request, and an indication of how I intend to touch it (scrunch ONLY).

Your concerns are valid. Your daughter has bodily autonomy and people aren't respecting it. Help her realise she has the agency and control over herself.

When I switched schools there were 8 year olds who had no problem if anyone came close to their hair saying, "Noooooope! Don't touch my hair!"

Don't beat yourself up about it, it's an awkward social exchange. Lots of folks here have reasonable ways to navigate it. Sometimes you just have to have the awkward conversation. Happy to support you how you need!

sure! I'll even admit that I occasionally touch close friends or family members' hair. After a compliment, a request, and an indication of how I intend to touch it (scrunch ONLY).

Wtf. Do you realise how weird that is? I’m trying to imagine someone asking me if they can touch my hair. What do you get from this behaviour?

I knew exactly what this thread would be about before I opened it. Much like your DD I am mixed race and have people touching, stretching my hair etc etc. Drives me mad. Don't be polite about it: "Don't touch my child's hair, she's not a pet, she's not on display." Also get your daughter to be assertive about it. She has a life ahead of her with this so get her on the offence as soon as you can!!! YANBU! Drives me fucking mad!

@CrystalShark, Naturally curly hair is less common among white people than it is among black people, though, isn't it? And a mixed-race person who has at least one grandparent of African/Caribbean heritage is likely to have curly hair. Because African hair is always naturally curly whereas most white people's hair isn't.

I had very long hair with nautural ringlets when I was a child. (Yes, I realise that sounds hideous but...)

People would often pick up a ringlet and say, 'ooh can I have one of these?' to me. I rather liked it

@PrincessDaff if it was just a curl thing why would they mention the fact she is mixed race?

People like you don't understand it is the mention of race that makes things racist.